Annie Lalla is a ‘cartographer of love’. She met her soulmate in her late thirties, after committing to never settle for less than true love.

When I first read her post, “5 Things He Must Feel to Fall in Love,” I became that annoying schoolgirl who raises her hand every five seconds, all like, “Sir! Sir! I have a question!” She clarified everything and I now see the light.

Consider the updated version on how to make him fall in love (after you’ve identified he is the one for you of course).

Become THE safest place for him to go on the planet. 

It can be a scary world to your partner’s inner child. If he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will not choose to build a life there; you can never be ‘home’. I asked Annie why I need to take on the role of mom when he already has one.

Annie explained that a man’s long-term mating signal only gets turned on when he meets a woman who can create a safe haven for their future children. He susses that out based on how safe he feels around her. In order to meet his safety needs, we must first learn to soothe ourselves by getting versed at regulating our own nervous system. Tools like conscious breathing, meditation, mindfulness and shadow work can help us access the grounded stability of our souls, from which we can source our safety.

If we expect safety from our partner and get angry or entitled when he doesn’t provide it, he’ll pull away because he doesn’t want to enable this dependant behaviour. Once we’ve learned to meet our own safety needs, he’ll be delighted to be our emotional hero & chase us down with nurturing love. Go figure.

Learn what his love language is and deliver consistently.

I questioned the idea of stoking a guy’s ego and how it violates the rules of being mysterious and playing it cool (a short-term mating strategy). Annie clarified that employing the right love languages (like words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or physical touch) are integral to playing the long-term mating game. Generally we give affection in the love language we most want to receive. Rifts form when partners feel unloved, despite their best intentions. So skip the fancy watch and get down and dirty if he values physical touch over gifts.

Act from a place of high self-esteem.

I’ve employed love language tactics in the past and it didn’t seem to make a difference. It turns out that these tactics are only effective if you are operating from a place of high esteem.

Annie defines ‘esteem’ as how much you trust your future self to handle whatever life throws at you. It is a never-ending journey. So if a compliment to him is also a passive aggressive insult to yourself, the mission of true love is not accomplished. Or if you treat him like gold, but treat yourself like shit, Houston, we’ve got a problem.

You know yourself better than he does, so if you don’t think you are good enough for him, he’ll trust your assessment and eventually back away. We train men on how to treat us. They watch how we treat ourselves, and copy.

Deliver on a great sex life

Keep developing yourself and your sexuality so that you can have a non-shameful & exciting sex life. Sex is the litmus test of a relationship working long-term.

But how can I do this if the guy won’t have sex with me, four months in? In our hyper-sexed society, I’m shocked to come across guys who can’t get it up or ejaculate or simply don’t initiate, but it exists. Her answer was simple: if the sexual cadence never gets off the ground, something is not being communicated about the underlying relationship. If you aren’t getting any action, there’s always a reason.

Annie suggests consciously creating a safe, non-judgemental space where your partner can talk openly about what might be inhibiting their sexual interest. Whether or not he is able or willing to share in that space is another story.

Let him hear you

Share your fears, pain, desires and dreams with him. Show him your humanity. He’s looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land. If you cannot own & express yours, you definitely won’t be able to help him with his.

I had never gotten as personal as quickly as I did in my most recent relationship (spoiler alert: it ended). One of my many takeaways was to pull back and slowly reveal my fears and pain over time, once he’s already smitten. Here’s why Annie thinks this line of thinking is wrong: Revealing your truth is always a gamble. He’ll either run or stay and neither reaction is good or bad, right or wrong. The more honest you are up front, the faster you’ll learn how you played the hand. Being authentic is always the right move and just because you lose a hand (a specific relationship), you’ll win the game of finding true, lasting love.

And if he runs, it just means he isn’t the one.

Want more Annie? She’s hosting a live workshop, Falling & Staying in Love: Activating Your Highest Self Through Relationship in Toronto on Wednesday April 22nd. Click here for more info.

Vanessa Danielle is finally shaking off the QLC (ahem…quarter life crisis). She emotionally eats blogs at www.daremytruth.com