There is something decidedly twee about Bachelor Canada. On the American version of this franchise, villains get physically violent and threaten their fellow contestants. By contract, on Bachelor Canada, Brittany M. the Beauty Queen became a villain for…baking. I’m starting to see why the rest of the world sees our country as dorkily adorable.

As Chris and his entourage entered their second week in Costa Rica, the ladies of the house became convinced Brittany was guilty of a giant “power bar” conspiracy. You see, the power bars Brittany generously baked for her fellow competitors were – gasp! – not sugar-free. Apparently this was an unforgiveable faux pas. Irate, the women accused Brittany of trying to “fatten them up” so they wouldn’t look hot on their dates with Chris.

The idea that Albertan Beauty Queen Brittany is sabotaging her fellow competitors by offering them food that isn’t sugar-free is predicated on multiple problematic assumptions. Firstly, the idea that weight gain makes a woman categorically less attractive is sizeist and false. Secondly, do these women not realize it’s unlikely that consuming a couple servings of sugar will noticeably alter their appearance? From my perspective, Brittany isn’t sabotaging the other women. Instead, she’s doing something most Kindergarten students would understand: she’s sharing. I’m not sure why everyone is projecting so much Machiavellian malice onto Brittany, but I guess someone needed to take Shanti’s place as the resident “bad girl.”

Anyway, the first date of the episode was a group date where Chris took four of the girls ziplining in – you guessed it – their bikinis. I doubt even Sports Illustrated swimsuit models spend as much quality time in their bathing suits as the contestants of Bachelor Canada. Chris seemed particularly excited for this date, because he likes “adventurous women.”

The ziplining expedition started out well enough. Everyone seemed to enjoy the experience until it came time for Meghan’s turn. Poor Meghan’s fear of heights reduced her to a sobbing mess as she soared between mountains with a camera doing a close-up on her petrified face. Her cries of terror were so disturbing, I was surprised she was required to participate in the challenge at all. Couldn’t Meghan have just met up with the group for drinks later? Poor Meghan already has imposter syndrome, fearing Chris won’t choose her because she doesn’t have an “official occupation.” She’s also worried aloud about being less conventionally beautiful than the other women. Sobbing through a ziplining session cannot have been good for her self-esteem!

The episode’s second group date involved a mechanical bull riding competition. No, I’m not making this up. And yes, it looked exactly as provocative as it sounds. At least for this challenge the women were permitted to wear booty shorts instead of bikinis. Yay for small victories!

During the bull riding date, Brittany was once again vilified. This time, the other contestants criticized her for having the audacity to “try.” I’m not sure why putting effort into winning a competition is so sinister. It looked to me like the other ladies were also doing their best not to get thrown off the mechanical beast. Brit’s only discernible sin was that she went on to win. She’s REALLY good at not getting thrown off a mechanical bull. She should go pro or something.

Chris is another person who inexplicably seems suspicious of Brittany. He told her off for not being “authentic.” During their alone time, Chris admonished the young woman that she didn’t always need “to act perfect.” So yeah, Chris mansplained Brittany’s personality to her, diagnosing her as a pathological perfectionist even though they’ve probably spent a combined total of twenty minutes together.

For her part, Brittany conceded she should let her guard down, which made me want to reach through my TV screen and scream, “Stop letting Chris gaslight you! You are a wonderful baker who rides mechanical bulls with aplomb. Don’t let Chris make you ashamed of your awesomeness!” Sadly, my TV is not like that magical closet in Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Instead of giving Brit a pep talk, I stuffed my face with more Skinnypop.

Despite his belief that she’s insincere, however, Chris rewarded Brittany with the coveted “date rose.” I mean, say what you will about Brittany’s methods – they really are effective. Then she walked around the house with the rose in her hair. Apparently, Brittany is POWER MOVE master. I’m excited to see what she gets up to next week!

Finally, it came time for this week’s one-on-one date. That honour went to Cait, the woman’s whose chyron says she’s a “Luxury Travel Nomad.” That is a #goals job. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like it involves lots of massages and room service, so sign me up! Hell, you wouldn’t even have to pay me. I’ll do Cait’s job for free.

While Cait has an awesome career that allows her to live at five-star hotels, she too has her insecurities. This just proves no matter how perfect someone’s life seems on the outside, we’re all just neurotic messes on the inside. Cait has anxiety because she was ghosted by her ex, which is a very zeitgeist-y hang up to have. It’s 2017; anyone who’s been single for a hot minute knows how sh-tty it feels when your date evaporates into thin air. I myself was once ghosted by a guy who looked exactly like Chris. In fact, the resemblance is so uncanny, I’m wondering whether they could be cousins. Does anyone out there have access to Chris’ family tree?

Despite Cait’s qualms about committing, she was a smitten kitten. They enjoyed a beachside make out session that lasted so long, I cannot believe they had any saliva left in their mouths. I was pleased by this development, as I appreciate Cait’s pixie cut. I do not think a shorthaired woman has ever won The Bachelor, but that could all change when Chris gives out this season’s final rose! It’s sad that a woman with a “pixie cut” is this show’s idea of body diversity.

While my beloved Beauty Queen Brittany got to stay, April and the other Brittany were ultimately sent home. This surprised me (and made me feel guilty), as I’d forgotten there was a second Brittany. The other Brittany is blonde, from BC, and seems like a nice person. I wish her only the best, but I am relieved we get to keep Beauty Queen Brittany for another week. Maybe next episode she’ll bake with butter. I cannot imagine how controversial that would be.

Have a good week! I’m off to bake some sugar-laden power bars of my own.