The other day, while reading nine thousand essays dissecting Aziz Ansari’s disturbing sexual encounter with Grace, I came across this comment by a man: “WE’VE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE WE NOW NEED LAWYERS BEFORE CONSENT IS UNDERSTOOD.” ALL CAPS! HANDS IN THE AIR! THERE IS CLEARLY NO WAY TO INTERPRET SEXUAL COMMUNICATION ANYMORE! Oh, but sir, there is.
For that man, for Catherine Deneuve, and for others who fear the end of flirtation, the demise of foreplay, and the rupturing of all heterosexual pleasures as we know it, may we remind you that consent is pretty damn hot.
Here are some simple primers to help you get started:
Example 1: THE ASS GRAB
“I want to grab your ass.”
“Let me help you do that.”
Done. It was the best ass grab of their lives. The end.
Example 2: THE FIRST DATE FUCK
“I want to fuck you. Would you like me to fuck you?”
(Nods yes) “Come upstairs.”
They fucked fabulously for about eight months until one of them realized they’d rather fuck and love another. It was an amicable breakup. The end.
Example 3: STEAMY INSERTION
“OMG, your pussy feels so good. I want to bend you over and fuck you from behind.”
“Put your cock inside me.”
Bam! Just like that, they had super hot consensual sex, followed by brunch and then a movie. It was a very nice 24 hours. The end.
Example 4: ORAL FOR HOURS
“I want to suck your cock right now.”
“I would love it if you did.”
“Would you? Would you like that?” She teases, and then forcefully unzips his pants to grab him firmly.
It was a lovely dick-sucking session, and then he licked her until she trembled in ecstasy. The end.
Example 5: THE BAR PICK-UP
“May I buy you a drink?”
“You may. Thank you. I’m Jane.”
“Nice to meet you, Jane. I’m Sean.”
“Do you think I could sit beside you and ask you a little about yourself?”
“Please, ask away.”
Now they are happily married with a bedside drawer full of kink. The end.
Example 6: INTRO TO S&M
“I’m going to put three things in front of you, and you can nod or tell me which one you’d like to play with, okay?”
Lays out a rope, a crop, a candle, and some cuffs.
She points at the crop. “This one.”
It was a night of consensual bruises, and the beginning of a newfound desire. The end.
Example 7: YES YES YES
“Do you like this?”
“How about this?”
“OH, FUCK YES.”
“Mmm hmm, yesssss. YESSSSSS.”
A couple feeding each other raw oysters. The exact same dialogue transpired at 2:45 a.m. during anal sex.
Example 8: MIDNIGHT HORNDOG
“Would you like me to come over and do dirty things to your body?”
“Yup. Text me when u arrive.”
They ended up washing each other’s feet and eating noodles from a cup…but it was nice that the option to orgasm on/in each other was still there.
Consent isn’t a roadblock to a good time; it’s the gateway to sexual bliss. We challenge you, All Caps Man, to get creative with how you ask for it. There is no need to read minds when you can read lips and bodies. Proceed with care and enjoy the process.