Lately I have been unhappy.
It’s a feeling I don’t feel very often, outside of the day or two after a breakup or when I’m missing out on something I really want to be a part of. Or when you see him with another girl for the first time and get that sad little pang in your heart.
And even then, it’s a moment of sadness. A feeling of loss or rejection or a few fleeting days of feeling bummed and lonely. But then you down some wine, take a bubble bath and snap right back.
I haven’t been able to snap out of this one for awhile. A few weeks. A month, maybe. It’s hard and exhausting.
I think it’s a combination of a lot of things, both major and minor. Back-to-back funerals. That guy ignoring my message…er, messages. (And yes, I KNOW you’re not supposed to text back to back but I did anyway and no, it didn’t work). The fact I’m knee deep in Breaking Bad right now and can’t stop watching it even though I know it’s going to fill my mind with irrational ideas and keep me paralyzed with fear that someone is about to bust through my door and knock me for a secret drug trade.
Maybe it’s simply the fact that this winter weather is fucking brutal.
Regardless of the reason, the fact is I’ve been bummed. Not in an all-consuming way where it’s a chore to get up in the morning or facing the day feels unbearable. I mean, if anything, I think I’ve been loving my life more than usual. This is more in the way where in moments when you least expect it – when you’re waiting in line for coffee or doing your dishes before bed – you simply have an overwhelming urge to cry. To get something out. You feel a little shaky inside and don’t know why. You’re missing people and you want someone to hug you but you’re simply not sure who and you’re too ashamed to ask.
I used to fight this feeling. I fought it to the death. When I was feeling down or self-conscious or had zero confidence in my capabilities as a living human I would absolutely not admit to feeling this way. I was the happy one, and I was going to fulfill that mould.
But I’ve finally realized that letting yourself be unhappy is weirdly beautiful. It’s throwing a big ol’ finger to the world and saying fuck it, this is how I feel, and this is how I’m going to feel. It’s not caring if you break your vibe or have a day where you need the girls to cheer you up rather than the other way around.
Sometimes, whether we care to admit it or not, we have days where we think we’re ugly. We’re going to hate our bodies and our hair and feel genuinely bad about ourselves by the amount of left swipes we’re getting. We go through times where we second guess every decision we ever made and think if ONLY I had said this when they said that my life would be perfect. We’re going to have days where we miss people so much our hearts literally hurt.
Whether we like it or not, we are going to have times where we simply feel unhappy.
I’ve relied on people a lot lately. I’ve been up and down and side to side. I’ve laughed uncontrollably from a Friends episode I’ve seen 100 times already and bawled my eyes out at a lyric video on YouTube. I have felt the feels inside and out and it has been completely and utterly exhausting.
But at the same time, this has all led up to an overwhelming feeling of peace. Of acknowledging that being happy doesn’t have to mean all-day smiles. I think the happiest people are simply the people who don’t give a fuck; who let themselves be. Who accept that sometimes they are going to cry because of the stranger who was rude to them in Bulk Barn (girl, I hope you’re reading this and I hope you know you had my tears flowin’ all the way to Joe Fresh).
These are people that accept that they’ll wake up feeling amazing on Monday and stressed out on Tuesday and they’ll always float between feeling liberated and empowered and scared and lost. And that’s okay, and that’s what makes life interesting, and that doesn’t mean you’re lost in your life. I think, in fact, it means quite the opposite – that you’ve figured yourself out enough to understand you’re going to have feelings. And they won’t always make sense. And you’re going to let yourself feel them and keep on loving your life despite the fact that things feel a little rocky right now.
Lately I’ve been feeling unhappy. And in this moment – in this moment of embracing it and admitting that I don’t give a fuck who knows – is the moment that I’m finally feeling myself snap back into place.