I politely declined an invitation to join a threesome last week. I was unsure about it from the start and deep down, I knew that jumping into a threesome with a casual fling and a wild girl he used to “date” (sort of?) could make for a VERY weird shared orgasm. Side note—does everyone orgasm at the same time? Or is it in sequence, like left to right? Who’s cleaning this up (as shouted in my 1995 stern mom voice)?

Before I replied to him, I did what any girl at work on a Tuesday would do following an invite to a threesome via email: I Googled the shit out of “threesomes” to see what I was potentially getting myself into. So for any lady thinking about jumping into a threesome on a Tuesday night in Toronto, here’s everything I learned, for your future reference.

Interesting facts about threesomes everyone (or at least I) didn’t know:

  • According to Urban Dictionary, threesome is defined as, “when a group of three people join together for sexual pleasure”. Well, that was obvious. Next.
  • A nationwide sex study from Playtex and Environics reported that 22% of Canadians admitted to having a threesome (Nina note: Um, 22% is a big number and all, but what kinds of people are completing this survey? Sexually frustrated prison inmates? Horny teens from Dance Cave? The dude who works behind the counter at Bed, Bath and Beyond? Sorry Google, this doesn’t sway me.)
  • This isn’t about threesomes, but I’m including it anyways for the sake of interesting sex facts: The study also reported that 8% of Canadians have had sex in a canoe. Okay, forget about threesomes, I want to have sex in a canoe on a lake in the middle of nowhere!!
  • AskMen posted an article – so of course I read it, because the same rules apply to women, and AskMen is pretty much a boy’s Cosmopolitan with less nail polish and more bold blue print. In short, keep your hands busy, don’t be selfish and after everyone is finished it says to “lie around in post-coital bliss” – this term is hyperlinked to another article explaining pillow talk to grown men, advising the guy I’m sleeping with to say my name after sex, because I’ll feel closer to him if he repeatedly says “Nina, Nina, Nina” over and over again. So does everyone say my name in a threesome? Or just the guy? Do we take turns repeatedly saying each other’s names? Wait, I don’t even know this other girl’s name, what if I forget it after we’re “all finished”??
  • Apparently “couple swaps, group sex, and orgies” are “usually much better.” Thanks, Metro.

Following some hard mouse clicking, I came to the end of my black hole threesome research on Google and found myself reading about “three thumbs fresh”, a phrase heard when something is really, really, really good. Example being, “Hey Charlotte, have you watched Laggies yet? It’s three thumbs fresh girl.” And so there I was, a fully Google certified educator on threesomes – and what did I have to show for it? An embarrassing search history and a list of questions unanswered:

  1. Would I be able to get a background check on this other girl?
  2. Is she Jenny from the block or is she Crazy Eyes from OITNB?
  3. Can we have a pre-threesome meet and greet? I’m all about chatting about boys and periods with my close girlfriends, but touching someone else’s Vivian before seeing this girl’s Instagram? It’s just not right.
  4. Do I have to be bisexual to make this threesome work?

That’s when I decided I wasn’t ready to take on a threesome.

Firstly, I’m a terrible multi-tasker. Meaning accidentally poking someone in the eye or kicking someone in the face is GOING to happen. Secondly, I’ve never been one to share my clothes (even with close friends) – so if I’m going to pay a Grande worth of Starbuck’s coffee to ride the streetcar over to this guy’s apartment, I want the attention on me, and me only. Plus, the last thing I want after a long day of “creative collaboration” with my colleagues, is more “sexual collaboration” with an old fling and a girl he says “would probably go down on you or something”. Thirdly, I just know I’m not ready for it yet. And that’s okay.

At least I can say that I did my research, learned about my boundaries and wasted approximately 45 minutes Googling the words, “threesome, Canada, three thumbs fresh and posit-coital bliss” during my lunch break. You’ll also be happy to know, I politely declined using the peace sign emoji and later left his apartment, extremely satisfied by a fierce “twosome” of oral therapy, followed by three positions and a flushed “guess what I did?” smile. Maybe a threesome is in the cards for me at some later date, but it wasn’t last Tuesday.