Bitchin Kitchen

by Therese de Grace
This year has been by far one of my favourite holiday seasons, amidst all of the normal festivities I got to celebrate the biggest culinary achievement of my life.  The evening started out with some civilized cocktails and pub grub but ended up some what different.

Feeling like a superstar with all of my biggest cheerleaders around me we headed up to a Karaoke bar for some hardcore 80’s singing and proceeded to do shots that paid homage to the rainbow itself.  Around 4am when my mom and sister sang a “Push It” duet and my two friends, who I have nicknamed the “Arthur Fonzarelli’s” of the lesbian world hence natural enemies, started singing” We are The World” I new it was time to go home.  Once I managed to get to my bed after doing gymnastics over the occasional body lying comatose on my floor I knew the only thing that could start off the next day would be an old school classic that would feed the masses of hangin’ people in my house.  

So on the Eve of the New Year my suggestion is to stock your fridge with the ingredients listed below, after a night of getting totally Jammered you will gladly surrender to coffee, juice and your new bestest, greasy, fatty friend…………….Coccodi! 

Coccodi AKA Lazy Ass Hangover Breakfast 

You will require the following ingredients:

12 large eggs slightly beaten with 1 tablespoon of milk
1 minced white onion
1 cup of sliced mushrooms
1 teaspoon of salt
2 tablespoon of butter
¾ cups of grated Swiss cheese
2 cooked and chopped turkey sausage
4 roma tomatoes diced
Rye toast 

Method: Lightly toast two slices per person (this recipe will feed 4 people with hangovers or 6 regular humans) and lay out on a plate.  In a frying pan lightly heat your butter, and brown your onions.  Turn the heat to medium and brown your mushrooms, sauté your tomatoes and sausage and cover with your egg mixture.  Move eggs around in the pan and when they are half way cooked (about 2 minutes) add your cheese and cook to your desired firmness.  Scoop cheesy eggs over toast and serve with orange juice and strong coffee.

by Therese de Grace

What is with the whole Christmas card thing? With the state of our environment do you really think we should be wasting the paper sending yuletide joy to people we really don’t give a flying fajita about?  Then there are the “Jones” who send you a bullshit Christmas card along with a novel size letter detailing with a great deal of exaggeration the happens of the last year and then if that isn’t abusive enough your eyes start to sting as the family photos is in your hand and every child looks traumatized gazing back at you as they wearing matching Barf-mass sweaters.  Ah, what would Jesus do? 

Last week I received the most disturbing Christmas card of all.  Underneath the signature of this person they listed every accolade, title and competition they had ever been a part of.  Are you fucking kidding me!  I was shocked he didn’t include Master of the Universe along with his placing during his first elementary school Science Fair.  I am going to buy this Douche Bag a Christmas card and under my signature it will read: 

Therese DeGrace

Lesbionic Cage Fighter

Winner of Rose of Tralley Lovely Girls Competition

Manager of Straws and Napkins

Champion Luvah and Chick Sacker

Activist Against Pompous and Arrogant Wind Bags 

Anyhow, this Shit head makes a great Christmas Afternoon Tea Dish that I wanted to share with you and if he dares to read my article and decides to comment I would advise him to take note of the limited space before he signs off.

High Tea Christmas Scones With Whipped Cream and Cranberry Compote 

For the Scones:

2.5 cups of flour
2 tablespoons of sugar
2 teaspoons of baking powder
2.5 teaspoons of baking soda
½ a cup of cold butter cut into cubes
¾ cup of 35% cream (plus a bit extra to brush scones with)
Zest of one lemon 

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Combine all ingredients except for the cream and run the mixture through your hands until it resembles coarse meal, put your dough on a floured surface and knead it 4 times or until it becomes a ball.  Roll out your dough and cut into ½ and inch by 1 inch pieces using a round cutter.  Place on your scones on a cookies sheet; brush the tops lightly with cream.  Bake for 35 minutes. 

For The Cranberry Compote:

2 cups of white sugar
2 cups of cranberries
1/3 a cup of water2 tablespoons of whisky
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 cinnamon stick
½ a teaspoon of freshly grated ginger 

*Put all ingredients into a pot and bring to a boil.  Reduce heat and allow to simmer for 20 minutes.  Remove from heat. 

For the Whipped Cream:

1 cup of 35% cream
¼ cup of icing sugar 

*Sift your sugar and beat the 35% cream and icing sugar until your cream resembles soft peaks.

by Therese de Grace
From before I was even born the Southern Italian side of my family has celebrated the 24th of December as “The Vigil.”  Basically this Canadian/Italian interpretation of an old world tradition involves a fish feast without any meat in sight and a prep list as long as your arm.  My Nonna has spear headed this event every year for as long as I remember and as neither of her daughters showed any interest in cooking I naturally became her helper. I remember vividly my first trip to the Fish Monger, he had live eels in a tank the size of a swimming pool and it retrospect it looked like a grotesque Gaggle Of Peni.  If you were lucky every once in a while you could witness the suicide jump of a flying eel followed by shrieks of horror before some poor bastard who worked there had to pick up the one of his associates for the hundredth time that day and toss him back into his death chamber. 

The truth of the matter is that Nanny is in charge.  It would be like me trying to take over Jabot Cosmetics I would think I had the power but than the Matriarch would come out of nowhere and bam! I am back in the Copy Room.  This yearly undertaking involves serious debate; you see as talented a cook as my grandmother is her portions are seriously askew.  Our loving argument regarding pounds and ounces with the occasional interjection from my grandfather can go on for about two days until she finally gets fed up and says something like “That’s fine, you know everything, you big Chef you.”  This guilt trump card wins her the yearly debate hands down and I succumb to going to the market and purchasing fish aware that I will be eating leftovers for days on end. 

Honestly, my grandmother is a kindred spirit and a keen lover of cooking and entertaining.  If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t even have my culinary passion, the receipe below is a dish that my grandmother created and that I have changed slightly over the years.  We both love it’s simple, rustic and healthy style and the best part is that the ingredients are available all year round. 

Broiled Tilapia with Cracked Olives and Grape Tomatoes 

You will require the following ingredients:

5 x 5oz portions of boneless skinless tilapia fillets

2 tablespoons of pesto

Extra virgin olive oil (have on hand)

Juice of one lemon

1 pint of grape tomatoes cut in halves

2 cloves of crushed garlic

1 small diced white onion

1 tablespoon of chopped capers

1 cup of cracked black Sicilian Olives (others will do but these are preferred)

¼ of a cup of white wine

¼ cup of water

¼ cup of butter

Cracked pepper to taste

A bunch of torn fresh oregano 

Method: Set your oven to a high broil, brush your tilapia with Pesto that has been mixed with a little bit of olive oil so it is loose.  Take the baking pan you are going to use for the fish and brush the interior with olive oil.  Lay your fish in the pan and set aside.  In a skillet over medium heat add 2 tablespoons of olive oil and sauté your onion and garlic until golden brown.  Deglaze with lemon juice, wine and allow half the liquid to dissolve.  Toss in your grape tomatoes, olives and capers, sauté for another minute and finish with ¼ cup of water, butter and cracked pepper.  Turn off your burner and cover your pan with a lid.  Broil your fish for about 5-6 minutes and serve topped with your olive mixture and top with scattered oregano.   I do not add salt to this dish as the capers and olives provide ample salt factor. 

Tip:  Serve this with Portuguese Cornbread which is easy to get at any European Bakery in Toronto.

by Therese de Grace
Christmas for some it is about family, the Messiah, a decadent meal and is regarded as the epitome of all holidays.  For others it’s about credit card debit, getting presents and exhibiting enough self control not to go postal or down a bottle of Advil with a Buckley’s chaser.  For me it’s about work, my Cherub like nieces and the fact that I can guarantee I will get a minimum of one day off during the craziest “Hungry Hippo” Hospitality financial windfall of the year. 

Much like birthdays this is a gift giving holiday, which for me is about as comfortable as sand in my underwear.  I appreciate a gift, who doesn’t, but they make me feel awkward, pair that with the fact that I have received the most bizarre tokens of affection and you will understand my pain.  One Christmas I received Granny Panties from my aunt that were so big and so much larger than I am that they could have been used as a wind sail, a family friend gave me a “Barefoot and Pregnant” looking nightgown that had a doily neckline and my favourite of all time had to be the size zero jeans that my cousin in the States (the southern states) lovingly decorated with her bedazzler.

My mixed bag of crazy family had an epiphany this year, we all have too much crap and we all spend far too much money at Christmas time.  We have decided to make homemade gifts and buy farm animals for a family in Africa instead.  The receipes below are simple and well received and if you don’t want to go down the altruistic path this year, no worries, the LCBO has gift cards. 

Spiced Nuts

You will require the following ingredients:

2 tablespoons of melted butter

1 tablespoon of olive oil

1 cup of each pecan halves, whole cashews, whole almonds, cracked walnuts

1 tablespoon of tamari or Soya sauce

½ a teaspoon of Cajun spice

½ a teaspoon of cumin

1 teaspoon of white sesame seeds

1 beaten egg white

Zest and juice of one lime

*Toss all ingredients in a bowl and allow to sit for 10 minutes* 

Method:

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and bake in a preheat 300 degree oven.  Allow to cool and package in cello bags with ribbon. 

White Chocolate Candy Cane Bark

You will require the following ingredients:

1 lbs of melted white chocolate (preferably Callebaut or Lindt)

1 cup of sliced almonds

1 dozen candy canes that have been smashed (I put mine in a zip lock bag and use a mallet)

*Mix in a bowl”

Method:

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper, and pour your candy cane mixture in the centre.  Use a spatula to spread the mixture out over the cookie sheet.  Allow to cool in the refrigerator for 1 hour.  Remove bark from the parchment paper and break into wedges, put the pieces into snap jars and tie with ribbon.

by Therese de Grace
The idea of serving the public as one’s chosen career is closer to being a prostitute than one might think; our income is dependent on the pleasure of others and even after a demoralizing ass screw we wake up the next day and try again to earn a living doing the same thing that made our butt sore the day before. 

Chefs in particular, do not choose their line of work for the benefits, huge amounts of money, vacation weeks etc.  They work like Sherpa’s to try to perform their craft for the sole purpose of pleasing other human beings, this could explain the plethora of colorful Sybil like cooks I have worked with over the course of my career.

In the restaurant world we refer to customers as, Peeps, Covers, and Rubes and for the super unpleasant “Day Passer.”  A Day passer for example is a customer that tries to steal the silverware, asks if there are free refills (do you see a human size dancing mouse anywhere asshole?), why wine isn’t included in the overall charge, snaps their fingers at the wait staff when they want attention and changes the menu with a myriad of modifications that render a once well thought out culinary masterpieces into a Jenga tower of f*%ing flavors that is no longer recognizable to the creator.  You see, you can’t really blame them, they were given this pass by their case worker and they weren’t really ready to be in public interacting with other humans.  They are also oblivious to the basic manners and modes present in society from all the time living under a rock in the depths of Mordor. 

One of the craziest but most pleasant Rube’s that will sticks with me forever is named Gabby, she was a regular and her saving grace was that she tipped well and was sweet about her obvious neurosis.  She would in detail describe a salad she wanted prepared, particular slices, choice of tomato size and I made her this same dish every week for about two years.  Out of curiosity one day I tried her crazy bowl and much to my surprise it was awesome, I polished it up and put it on the menu in her honor…she immediately started to order a new bowl of crazy.  Her original salad creation is the receipe below, I changed it a little bit and feel free to let your freak flag fly while eating it. 

Rube Salad 

You will require the following ingredients:

For the Salad:

2 cups of baby arugula
1 cup of romaine hearts cut into threads
3 tablespoons of raw flax seeds
1 cup of small grape tomatoes cut in half
1/3 of a cup of finely shredded carrot
3 tablespoons of raisins
½ a cup of sprouts
½ a cup of orange segments
½ a cup of shredded cooked smoked chicken
2 spring onions cut on a bias

*Put into a bowl* 

For The Dressing

You will require the following ingredients:

1/3 of a cup of warm goat’s cheese
¼ cup of balsamic vinegar
1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
¼ of a cup of olive oil

*Blend until creamy* 

Method:

Pour your mixed dressing over top of your salad and toss well, serve immediately. 

Chef’s Tip:  This salad is more of a meal than a starter, serve it with crusty bread and in a pasta bowl.

by Therese de Grace
In my early 20’s I was lucky enough to live in Ireland, it ended up being a fantastic career move but I won’t lie to you I chased a boy there and my quest landed me in a tiny half ass Hamlet of a town. Straffan was about an hour away from Dublin City and the surroundings consisted of two churches, two pubs and a gas station that doubled as a corner store that seemed to sell nothing but beer and cigarettes that could be purchase at either of the two pubs. After moving into a time warp that smelled like Guinness and stale cigarettes I was put into a state of what only could be described as North American Panic: the bank was two towns away and only open every second Thursday from 10-4. The only way to get to the bank was the local town bus that had no schedule so you waited in hopes that it could possibly arrive even though some days it just didn’t. No one accepted interac as a payment but it was acceptable to write cheques, which was awesome but cheques generally took three months to arrive if you could possibly get to the bank every second Thursday in the small amount of time the bank was open, if the bus came and you weren’t working and the bank manager was around as she was the only one who could process a request of that nature.

My neighbours thought I was a true American slut (I told them I was a Canadian slut but they wouldn’t listen) living in sin with my boyfriend and I could get nosey neighbours to scatter in an instant when I mentioned that my parents were divorced as it wasn’t legal there at the time.

After I got my head around the fact that the humidity would forever make my hair look like a Chia Pet, and that the locals would think of me as “fecked in the head” because I was a vegetarian I started to have the time of my life. As soon as I understood the game and ditched my boyfriend I became the mysterious foreigner and a hot commodity. You see, it was all about “keeping warm”, drinking loads (even at lunch , if you could work no one cared if you were hammered), chain smoking, eating the most delicious deep fried food and having a good time and since Irish people are some of the friendliest and nicest people I have ever met it was easy to make friends. learned swear words like “Gobb shite”, got arrested for drunken disorderly for the first and only time in my life and deflowered a lovely rosy cheeked bloak named Aidan.

Then there was the food. I worked at a Michelin Star hotel which served food that was the epitome of perfection but my fondest memories are of the toasties, pub grub and warm fresh bread made from real butter that was almost orange it was so filled with goodness. My favourite Ireland find was the Irish Soda Bread receipe below, it is like cake/bread/sex and simple perfection all rolled into one and it smells like heaven.

You will require the following ingredients:

3 cups of all purpose flour (plus a bit extra for kneading)
1 and ½ cups of whole wheat flour
1 and 1/3 cups of oats
2 and ½ teaspoons of baking soda
1/3 of a cup of granulated sugar
6 tablespoons of cold unsalted butter cut into 1 x 1 cubes
2 and ¼ cups of buttermilk

Method:

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Combine all dry ingredients together using your hands until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Pour your milk into your dry mixture and mix lightly, turn mixture onto a floured surface, knead the dough for 2 minutes, divide dough into two balls and score the top of each loaf with a knife. Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour or until a skewer comes out of each loaf without any residual dough.

Allow to cool for at least 20 minutes before cutting.

Chef’s tip: This bread is wonderful for up to three days, you can also add cranberries and walnuts to turn this bread into a breakfast loaf.

by Therese de Grace

You don’t have to be a kid to love Halloween, but having one around make things a lot more fun.  My niece and I love this time of year, I use her as my reason for creating haunted gingerbread houses, crazy costumes and the over indulgence of candy consumption that puts me into a sugar coma.

During this festive time my 7 year old niece who has always been more of a short adult, drops pearls of wisdom on me with the most unabashed honesty. From the moment she could speak she has made me painfully aware of how OLD I am, whether or not my fashion choices are “Yucky” and continues to express her utter disappointment in the fact that neither my partner nor I have produced a cousin for her, there are two of us after all! 

When I claim to be her favourite aunt she reminds me that it is wrong to assume, she makes those decisions on a daily basis. I am shocked to admit that she is a mini-me in many ways and will no doubt give my sister a run for her money in a few years. 

The Awe, fright and fun of Halloween is amazing at any age but seeing through the eyes of my sassy-ass niece just makes it all more fun.   Halloween crafts and baking are not just for kids, they are cool accent to any Hallow’s Eve party.  The recipes below are only a few of the Ghoulish treats my niece and I prepare, we have a ball creating them and these snacks are well received by all. 

Happy Haunting! 

Witches Finger’s and Pumpkin Tears 

Witches Finger Cookies

You will require the following ingredients:

1 cup of butter

1 cup of sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon almond extract

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Zest of one orange

2 and ¾ cups of white flour

3 tablespoons of raspberry jelly

¾ cups of sliced almonds 

Method

Using an electric mixture cream together your sugar and butter, whip on high speed for 4 minutes and add in your eggs, extract, orange zest until well combines.  Lower your speed and add flour slowly.  Turn dough out onto a floured surface and kneed for two minutes.  Roll dough into 1 oz balls (about the size of a golf ball) and then use the palm of your hand to roll the dough into 3 inch finger width cylinders.  Place your cookie fingers onto a greased cookie sheet and use a paring knife to make little slits to represent knuckle lines, put a dab of raspberry jelly at the top of each finger and press a slice of almond on top for a bloody nail effect.  Bake for 20-25 minutes and allow them to cool for a half hour before serving. 

Toasted Pumpkin Tears 

Scoop the pulp and seeds out of a pumpkin, butternut squash or acorn squash (pumpkin seeds are definitely sweeter and preferred but the alternates work well) and separate the flesh from the seeds. Wash your seeds and spread them out on a clean cloth for a few hours to dry off.  Toss your dry seeds in olive oil, Cajun spice and sea salt.  Toast on a lined cookie sheet for 10-12 minutes at 375 degrees until they turn golden brown.

by Therese de Grace
Whenever I turn a year older my partner and I have a tradition we follow, we write down our top ten lists of bizarre moments.  I find it helps to hum the American Circus theme song while reading each one. 

1. Spending last Christmas dinner sitting next to my Great Aunt who is hard of hearing and had a rotting cyst in her head that smelt like twice dead ass.

2. Walking in on my grandparents having the loudest sex ever followed by me running around screaming “My eyes, they burn!”

3.  Watching Team America with my mother-in-law and her asking me why the puppets were pooping on each other during sex and me explaining it!

4. Going to my first sex shop with my partner to buy porn and much to my delight an old friend of my mother’s was working there. She told my girlfriend about how cute I used to be in my footy pj’s and proceeded to sell us some girl on girl porn.  

5. Taking a pee off the side of a secluded road in the backwoods of Peterborough and losing my balance while squatting, rolling down a hill onto a golf course. 

6. My client regaling me with the story of how he swallowed his dental Crown, pooped it out, washed it and put it back into his mouth.

7. Having a Chef create his specialty dish for me to try, it was a round 8 lbs fish ball filled with mayonnaise and American Cheese, I thought it was going to sprout feet and run away! 

8. Being in the check out line and whispering to my girlfriend that it smelt like old people only to turn around and see a gaggle of elders glaring at me.

9. My niece telling me that she thinks Panty Liners should really be called Pee-Pee liners. 

10. Getting chewing gum stuck in the most inappropriate place. 

**The Recipe below is one of my favourites and it was part of my celebration dinner this year, it is simple, delicious and  perfect anytime of year**

Roasted Citrus Glazed Trout with a Tomato, Avocado Salsa, Served With Steamed Broccolini

For the Salsa: 

You will require the following ingredients:

3 diced roma tomatoes
2 diced avocado (toss in lemon juice immediately)
1 minced green onion
1 tablespoon of minced capers
Pinch of cumin
Pinch of cayenne
1 teaspoon of olive oil
Juice of two limes
Salt and pepper to taste

Method:

Toss all your ingredients in a bowl and season with salt and pepper to taste.  Allow to sit for 10 minutes before serving on top of your trout. 

For the Fish:

You will require the following ingredients:

4 pieces of skin on, boneless salmon trout (about 5 oz a piece)
1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon grated fresh ginger
1 clove of minced garlic
Juice of 1 pink grapefruit
Pinch of sea salt 

Method:

In a bowl whisk together all ingredients except for the trout. 

Brush each piece of trout with the wet mixture and arrange the pieces ¼ of an inch apart with the skin side up (this will give your skin a beautiful roasted crust).  

Roast fish in a preheated oven at 375 degrees for approximately 8 minutes or until the flesh is easily flaked with a fork.

Served the trout on top of broccolini that has been steamed, tossed in sea salt and extra virgin olive oil and top with salsa. 

Tip:  The combination of hot fish and cool salsa gives this dish an amazing twist of temperature, taste and texture!  Serve this dish with an off-dry Riesling for a perfect marriage of flavours.

by Therese de Grace
Thanksgiving in my mind is the only real holiday, it doesn’t matter what son of Christ, coconut or chocolate Buddha you worship we should all be Thankful at least once a year goddamn it!  Having a family with a population of a small country I have the pleasure of celebrating both American and Canadian Thanksgiving.

Our friends and family to the South share the turkey as their Icon of this Fete, but that is where the similarity ends. Our holiday envelops the concept of the harvest with fresh vegetables, succulent roast turkey and various pumpkin concoctions.  The Americans kick off there Christmas shopping season, deep fry turkeys and finish various once healthy vegetables with marshmallows.

The Culinary spectacle of deep frying a turkey must take place outside but the adventurous (I imagine them from Arkansas, no reason) decide to ignore this advice and this is what happens: the cavity of the turkey fills with oil sort of like lava and a similar volcanic eruption takes place. The result of this fiasco is several home fires and third degree burns all for love of moist turkey breast.  Dude! Roast that bitch in your oven, make some gravy, or just go to f*&king Denny’s for Christ’s sake, it’s just Turkey!  The alternate is trying the recipe below which involves brining your turkey, a safe and easy way to ensure moist turkey meat.

Happy Turkey Time! 

Roasted Turkey with Smoked Bacon and Chestnuts

You will require the following ingredients:

For the turkey:

One fresh or defrosted 8-10lb turkey
3 Tablespoons of sea salt
1 lb of melted butter
2 bottles of beer
2 lemons cut in half
3 bay leaves
1 teaspoon of crushed peppercorns
6 cloves of crushed garlic
Whole sprig of rosemary 

For the stuffing:

2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil
2 small white onions minced
6 stalks of minced celery
2 cloves of minced garlic
½ a cup of brandy
1 lb of melted butter
1 loaf of bread cut into one by one chunk
1 bunch of chopped sage
1 cup of uncooked smoked bacon minced
3 cups of chopped cooked chestnuts
Salt and pepper 

Extras

1 lb of melted butter
3 medium carrots cut into long strips
6 stalks of celery cut into long strips
Whole sprigs of herbs 

Method:

Preparing and brining your turkey:

The day before you are set to cook your turkey remove the giblets (the bag with the organ meat) and discard.  Take a container that will fit your turkey and make sure that has enough of a lip so that you can fill it with liquid, place your turkey in the centre of your container.  Pour in all of your ingredients and then add enough water to at least partially submerge your turkey.  Allow your turkey to sit in the brining liquid for a full day before cooking flipping the turkey at least once during that time. 

Stuffing:

In a sauté pan heat your olive oil and add onions, celery garlic and bacon, cook until you achieve a golden brown colour and deglaze with brandy.  In a large bowl add your bread cubes, chestnuts, chopped sage, sauté mixture and cover with butter tossing until every piece of bread is coated.  Adjust with salt and pepper to taste. 

Stuffing and Roasting Your Turkey

Using plastic gloves remove your turkey from your brining liquid.  Arrange Slices of carrot, celery and herbs along the bottom of your roasting pan.  Begin to stuff the turkey filling the cavity fully and using the extra flap of skin to cover the opening.  Place your turkey in your roasting pan and brush fully with butter. 

Allow your turkey to cook in a 400 degree oven for at least 3 and a half hours brushing with butter every 40 minutes.  To safely ensure your turkey is fully cooked a meat thermometer should read 180F or 82C when pushed into the inner thigh of the turkey.  Allow your turkey to rest for at least 20 minutes before carving.

by Therese de Grace
Riding the Crimson Wave, it is like a scheduled monthly audience with the devil followed by amnesia from one month to the next.  Your jeans have shrunk, you begin to believe that a moo-moo is the fashion choice of the century, you are horny as hell but god for bid your partner touch you, all followed by the fact that you would eat the tail off a pig as long as it was deep fried and covered in chocolate.  My unsuspecting partner has no idea that once a month she is dangerously close to the end of her life.  Her sweet suggestion of us taking an after dinner stroll for example becomes distorted in the Menses machine that I have become and I hear “take a walk fatty,” and the crazy in unleashed.  The mere suggestion that my tantrum could possibly be related to Aunt Flo’s visit is grounds for divorce.

The scary phenomenon is that statistically 80% of us ladies suffer from PMS, pair that with the fact that we sync up and it is amazing we don’t have more triple homicides or midnight B and E’s at Dairy Queen. 

In my kitchen we are all female except for Edgar, he has the patience of a saint and should be given the Purple Heart for tolerating our new level of crazy particularly now that we have all synced up. As if our periods aren’t bad enough, the thought that we oddly all start to get them at the same time is a sick Fuck You  from Mother Nature!

I would find it completely acceptable during our quarantine if he came to work in fatigues, with an elephant tranquilizer gun strapped to his back and a turbo size can of

Bitch-Be-Gone repellent because no one’s  getting fed and theirs only one man left standing.  

During this three day Hormone-Pooloza you will find one lady chef systematically shoving truffle cake into her face, the other on the verge of tears banging food items to be chopped onto her work station because one of us hateful bastards is using her favourite cutting board and I decide that my employees are a bunch of loose lip fascist and I am moving to the forest to eat berries and get away from these soul suckers.  The insane part is that we rarely acknowledge that this is in fact our reminder of woman hood, we laugh about it when we are out of the bubble, yet amnesia sets in upon repeat of this process every month just to put our young colleague into a state of bewilderment and terror.  Our diets during this time are manic, ghetto fabulous and a constant meal that begins in the morning and ends when we are put into our straight jackets at night.  I created the receipe below as a quick an easy way to get my salty sweet fix without succumbing to Easy Cheese and Smarties.  If your hunger or anger doesn’t subside after a couple of these suckers I suggest you call the local authorities for your safety and the safety of others. 

White or Dark Chocolate Clusters 

You will need the following ingredients:
2 cups of white or dark couveture chocolate (preferably organic)
1/3 cup of raisins
¼ cup of  of dried cranberries
¼ cup of sliced almonds
¼ cups of salted sunflower seeds
¼ of a cup of salted peanuts
¼ cup of flax seeds 

Method: Melt chocolate either in a double boiler or in the microwave until completely melted and runny.  Remove from heat and combine all the remaining ingredients.  Drop spoonfuls on a greased cookie sheet and allow to harden for 10 minutes in the refrigerator. 

These clusters will keep for up to two weeks in a airtight container. Line the bottom of your container with wax paper and lay a sheet of wax paper in between each layer of clusters. 

Chef’s tip:  This is a wheat free recipe but feel free to add muesli or granola to this mix for a richer snack.