Free Angelina!

A manifesto dedicated to releasing the reluctant bisexual.
by Radcliffe U. Hall

Angelina Jolie, Pink and the chick that played Marcia Brady. All of these women have something in common. They are all non-practicing bisexuals. Or, more specifically, they are retired. I know people believe that sexuality is “fluid” but you have to draw the line somewhere, like how would you react if Charo said she was a non-practicing Mexican? When a sexy girl announces that she is a bisexual but then fails to show adequate proof, it is like dangling a sexy cookie in the face of all lesbians. I understand that you want to marry your boyfriend, but please have sex with me first! But I too, blame myself for just standing by while hundreds, even thousands of bisexuals retire. So that is why I have vowed – and I urge all lesbians, even the married or engaged ones – to do something good for the world and convert one. The hardest part however, is recognizing this specific type of bisexual. In order to assist in this important civic duty, I have compiled a guide on how to best locate and seduce these elusive creatures.

In terms of the easiest method, it would have to be Craigslist. You might think that Craigslist is only good for selling used overalls, but it is actually chalk full of girls with boyfriends looking for a new “experience”. They are basically just asking to be converted, for a small fee. If you are more of a highbrow lesbian, then I cannot recommend anything better than Fine Arts University students. Just sit in on a sculpture or an art history class and guaranteed you will find many non-practicing bisexuals releasing their frustration through their hands or in a feminist Renaissance essay. A less classy, but no less productive spot, would surely be the Dance Cave. It is in the Bloor Annex, which is very artsy and undecided. The Dance Cave is a beacon for the young, hot and confused who will make out with you after the obligatory shot and hipster dance marathon. You might be revoltingly sweaty, but you will definitely have scored one for the team. If you are feeling lazy, then any bartender will also work. They are naturally flirtatious and work for tips, which is always good. The absolute last resort, as it is apparently illegal, is the Private School. During their lunch period they might be more reluctant, but nothing can beat the school dances where – if you are really lucky – you can catch and convince them even before they retire.

But these helpful suggestions are not really enough – if you truly want to convert a non-practicing bisexual than you will need some tricks up your sleeve. You can’t just storm onto the dance floor and lick the first girl you see. You must carefully and strategically assess the situation. Then whip out your sweet tricks. Bisexuals can be extremely cold, so you often have to butter them up a bit. If you really want to help support this worthy cause then you will have to throw yourself out there and be brave. Start with soft and non-threatening touching, generally restricted to the arm and shoulder region. Do not, under any circumstances, go straight for the labia. Once you’ve established a connection with the touching you can then proceed to the waist, and if you are courageous, the inner thigh. For these kinds of bisexuals, sensual touching is very exciting because generally their boyfriends are about as caressing as the Taliban.

You must also note that touching is not enough. You must also be able to spot which girl is on her way to becoming a full-blown then retired bisexual. Hitting on any old girl in art class will probably end in a restraining order. Keep you eyes open! For example, Sarah Palin, no. But Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, yes. You must see the distincting! Being a successful converter requires a certain aggression but mainly it requires good foresight. If you can’t spot a potential bisexual within 100 feet, you might want to step back and let a more experienced individual take on the task. You do not want to give a bad name to our kind.

Now that I have given out my best advice, I hope that this epidemic will finally see a happy ending. Let’s all take a page from Katy Perry’s book of knowledge and work towards the cause of awakening the bisexual spirit. Not so much about kissing girls with cherry chapstick but more about liberating perfectly hot and able bisexuals from marrying their boyfriends without first experiencing the electrifying touch of a woman.

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