Author | Illustration Sarah Brown

How a Magic Ritual Can Save Your Sex Toys

So, it’s over. That relationship that you had come to count on. Whether you were soulmates, regular bang buddies, or anything in between, what was is no more and it suuuucks.

Now you’re left with a bunch of their old crap: that t-shirt you never really liked, that cologne that you always thought was a bit much, their dog-eared copy of Catcher in the Rye (seriously, what adult carries around Catcher in the Rye who isn’t Mark David Chapman?) Now it’s time to go the Beyoncé route and put everything they own in the box to the left. (Extra points if you can do that and execute her perfect hair flip at the same time.)

But what happens to the innocent victims in your broken connection? The part of the relationship that sustained you? The part that was always there, ready to make you happy. I’m of course referring to the sex toys that you bought while you were still together.

What are you going to do? Throw them out? That’s wasteful! Put them in a box in the back of your closet? Unfair banishment! Turn them into a giant sculpture as part of a larger performance art piece that you then guilt all your friends into seeing? You can only do that so many times. The best solution? A magical ritual that will cleanse your toys of any memories that may stop you from re-using them.

Step 1: Go ALL IN. Don’t smirk at the ritual or half-ass it. Your future, and your genitals, are counting on you. Set your scene: I’m talking candles, incense, low lighting, one of those swoopy Stevie Nicks-style shawls. Really go for it. Think 1997 goth-level decorating, then double that.

Step 2: Choose someone or something to make an offering to. Perhaps Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love and pleasure. Or heck, why not Stevie Nicks? If anyone knows about trying to deal with the memories of bad relationship choices, it’s the woman whose bad relationship choices made it to Time Magazine’s All-Time 100 Albums shortlist.

Step 3: Say a few words of thanks. Or recite the opening scrawl of Star Wars. Or sing a few bars of something pretty. Anything that feels thankful. (Actually, maybe don’t do the Star Wars thing. Lucas is very litigious and is ALWAYS LISTENING.)

Step 4: Realize that you feel like you are choking on Sandalwood fumes. Wonder if this is what living in a 60s commune was like. Shudder. Put out some of the incense and a few of the candles, but silently congratulate yourself on your level of commitment.

Step 5: Ask for what you want. (“Dear great and glorious 70s Stevie Nicks. Please cleanse my sex toys of the memories of the mansplaining comedian, the beautiful dancer who ghosted on me after three dates and the hippie chick who ate all my bacon Pizza Pops despite spending hours lecturing me on veganism. May your voice always rise in triumph and your tunics always remain gossamer.”)

DONE-ZO! Your toys are now free and clear. Sure, your apartment smells like a head shop, but you did it! Now you are free to use your toys with someone great who deserves a person as amazing as you. Even if right now that person is you. Heck, especially if that person is you!

As you may have already figured out, all of this was totally unnecessary (though, you have to admit, pretty fun). The truth is, the ability to reclaim your sex toys (and your confidence) was inside you all along. And so is the ability to choose someone, casual or not, who treats you well. Someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, even if that person is you.

1 Comment

  1. MonokandilosaJuliana
    March 20, 2016

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