Like many of you, I occasionally go on first dates. And being an expert in human interaction, I have decided to share with you the fine science of preparing for such a date, so that you can approach your potential romantic partner as calmly and confidently as possible. And so, without further ado, I present to you the best ways to prepare for any first date:
1. Choose your outfit. Remember, you don’t want to look like you’re trying to look good. Try to look like you put in absolutely minimal effort. Wear your pyjamas. Roll through some garbage. Anything to avoid giving the impression that you have been trying. Remember, trying is the worst.
2. Wait until the night before to attempt personal grooming, preferably 11:30pm or later. Try to trim your pubes with a beard trimmer. Realize your undercarriage now feels like sandpaper. Attempt to fix it by shaving. Realize that your pubes are now uneven. Shave more to even them out. Realize they’re still uneven. Attempt to even them out again. Eventually give up when all you have left is a sort of patchy scalene triangle. Go to bed. Realize your crotch has already begun to itch.
3. Have a make-up routine that works for you? Now’s the time to switch it up! Choose a bunch of random colours and attempt a difficult application technique you’ve never used before! Make sure you do this as close to the time you’re meeting your date as possible to ensure you won’t have time to reapply if it all goes horribly wrong.
4. Read through your date’s Facebook page to figure out what all their interests are. Be careful not to accidentally like any statuses from five years ago while executing this step. Do extensive research into the interests you uncover, gleaning enough information to write several dissertations on their favourite subjects. Take notes. Resolve not to mention any of these subjects during the course of the date so as to avoid looking as though you’re trying (see above re: trying and the worst). The slight glimmer of knowledge in your eyes if they mention any of these subjects should be enough. You want to give them the impression that you’re more intelligent than they are, and that you’re refraining from intellectually destroying them out of pure kindness.
5. Remember, any evidence that you find them interesting as a human being is guaranteed to be taken as evidence that you are crazy/possibly a stalker. Try to give the impression that you really didn’t want to see them, and are meeting with them out of politeness at best.
6. Make sure you have a good meal before your date, so that you are not hungry and irritable. Something involving chili or mysterious sauces is best, as this will allow you to be well fed but also gassy and uncomfortable throughout. Getting too comfortable is guaranteed to ruin any relationship, and if you can’t be psychologically tortured, you can at least be slightly nauseous and constantly in need of the bathroom.
7. Remember, if there is a lull in the conversation during a date, it means that the person you are with hates you and never wants to see you again. Make sure that you have a list of anecdotes which you can use to babble through any silence. Even if the only stories you can think of are about times you got diarrhea, started vomiting, or at the very least suffered severe public flatulence, anything, ANYTHING, is better than silence.
Armed with these tips and tricks, you can approach any first date in complete confidence, knowing that the person you’re on a date with will get the impression that you couldn’t care less about them or any of their opinions. And if after all that they’re still not in love with you? Never underestimate the power of desperate 3am texting.