I don’t know about you, but the allure of summer is starting to wear off in my mind. Sure, I can appreciate ice cream melting down my hand, a good pair of jorts, and spending all day in a park as much as the next person, but few things make me as aware of the fact that I exist in a very limited, very flawed body as humid heat does.
I crossed some sort of invisible line this year from “Oh, it’s cool. I’m young and all of my cells are super good at doing what they’re supposed to be doing and my body will do what I tell it to do,” to “My knees make this weird popping noise when I bend down and I am pretty sure that I am going to die tomorrow.” It’s fuh-reaking me out. My metabolism also seems to be slowing down, which dovetails nicely with the increased dosage of SSRI’s I’ve been taking and the circumference of my thighs has increased quite a bit this summer.
Today the heat is in the thirties and the humidex is off the charts. By the time I made it to the subway my thigh area felt like it was on fire, and not in a good sexy way. Millions of humans have to deal with this phenomenon that we call “chub rub,” and nobody wants to talk about it because it’s embarrassing to admit that your body is acting up in all sorts of unpredictable ways. Well, I’d like to address some ways to alleviate the problem, and encourage people to talk about it. Here are some ways to deal:
Bike shorts (the barrier method). If your clothes are long enough to hide them, these are a great option because they add an extra layer between skin. Shorts can be worn under skirts and dresses, but brave souls can try letting them peek out from underneath shorts.
Clear deodorant, is there anything it can’t do? Try rubbing this bad boy on your inner thighs for some relief, but I advise you to keep a stick on your person at all times as the product can wear off quickly. Make sure you get the stick and not the gel that you have to crank out of the container. My mom bought me a five-pack of clear deodorant last time she went to Costco and it’s become part of my morning routine to glide some on my thighs as well as my underarms before heading out.
Monistat. This one is harder to find in Canadian drugstores, so you may have to visit a couple of locations before you can get your hands on it, but I promise it’s worth the wait. Monistat anti-chafing gel has the most fascinating texture, and it reminds me of the cornstarch and water combination that’s provided hours of entertainment to children everywhere. This was formulated to provide relief to sufferers of yeast infections, but it’s got so many uses beyond that. Makeup die-hards will realize that the texture is similar to most primers, and if you’re making a face right now I think it’s a great testament to irrationality that people will get icked out by the idea of using something that’s for yeast infections on their face. I mean, it’s not like you’re transferring it from your crotch to your face so please calm down, there are bigger problems at hand.
Talcum powder, for when you want to feel like a fancy grandmother. I also use this on my underboob area on the days where it feels as if a lake is forming there. One thing though: don’t use it to make your vagina smell fresh because a) you don’t need to and b) there have been a couple of studies that link use in intimate areas with a heightened risk for ovarian cancer. Just dust a little bit on external areas and you’re good to go.