June 2, 2008

Dear Diary,

I just got home from the most anticipated chick flick of the year. Of course I mean Sex And The City: The Movie. It was a week ago that things ended with Matt, formerly known as Mr. X, and this movie seemed the perfect way to start my first weekend of being single… yet again.

I loved every second of it. The movie, that is. The thought of things being done with Matt feels like a knot in my gut that is starting to loosen, but won’t go away. I also bawled my eyes out – during the movie and over him. As I walked out of the theatre I couldn’t help wondering, could Mr. X have been my Mr. Big?

Last Friday I thought it was time that Matt/Mr. X and I have another talk about where things were going with us. Well I should have listened to my horoscope that Friday, which had warned me not to bring up commitment issues. He started by saying he just wanted us to be more “real” to what the relationship truly was. The conversation ended two days later with him saying he basically just wanted to be friends. Carrie and Big go through some tough times in the movie (go figure); he just wants to be with her, but she wants to define the relationship by taking it to the next level. In the end, the lovely Carrie Bradshaw realizes that we all need to make our own rules when it comes to love, and that all relationships are different. We don’t always need to define things by traditional standards.

Matt didn’t want to be defined as a “boyfriend”, but did I push him away, and ruin a chance for us still having something special? Something that maybe didn’t need to be defined? He made me happy, so why was I complaining? What the fuck did I do, and why didn’t this movie come out before I brought up this whole “talk” thing???

Last week I thought that maybe moving on to a new guy would be my best bet at avoiding heartache. I quickly realized that was a shit idea, and cancelled my requests for random hook-ups with two gentlemen from my sexier past. I haven’t felt love in a long time, and I think I pushed Matt away because I was afraid of falling too hard, and then getting hurt. I’d been the one to end all my significant relationships in the past. I don’t know how I would have handled him maybe breaking up with me a year from now.

I keep trying to remind myself of reasons why this is probably for the best, and why we aren’t good for each other. The problem is, we hadn’t been together that long, so how could either of us really know that yet? I definitely was being a nut last week when I showed up drunk for us to discuss ending the relationship. I told him that in my “five year plan” I wanted someone I could move in with, marry, and then have a baby with. I said if he couldn’t be a boyfriend then how could he ever be that person?

Well, maybe he never would have been that person, but how can anyone know in less than three months the answer to that? Oh god, my head is spinning. This has been the longest week ever. And the horniest. I can’t help thinking of fucking Matt all day long. Riding the bus I was fantasizing about him going down on me. At my desk yesterday I couldn’t stop imagining sucking his cock. I’ve been waking up wet every morning after having sex dreams about him! I need to just take a couple of weeks where I don’t talk to him, stop over-analyzing everything, and realize that “some labels are best left in the closet”.