It’s Friday night. You two are staying in. You’ve lit your one scented candle. Things are gettin’ sessay, and smell vaguely of “calm vanilla,” but your guy is not interested in keeping things calm OR vanilla. He wants to get this party started… with his mouth. And you’re not into it! FOR SOME REASON. Gals, what’s the reason? So many ladies are not into a casual bit of oral these days and I just do NOT understand. Before you start brainstorming different, breezy ways to say ”keep your face where I can see it,” take a second and ask yourself what’s stopping you. Unfortunately, a lot of women have been led to believe, via advertising or bad jokes or jerk ex-lovers, that things downtown are… weird. That it smells down there or the shrubbery is overgrown or the city planner made a few weird lines when she was laying it all out. It’s a real front-bummer. The good news is, none of this is true! Ack, we’ve already given away the first tip. We’re too excited! And you’re about to be. Let’s go:
1) Chill out, you’re a snowflake.
Everyone’s ladyparts are different. Some are bigger, pinker, darker, longer, wetter, fuzzier, whatever. There’s nothing inherently wrong or right about any of them, they just are. Do you know how many vaginas there are in the world? Billions. And they all look different. Comparison is literally impossible, so put this reservation out of your mind, lie back, and think of England…’s rugby team.
2) Be your best self, whatever that means to you.
A fun thing about your downstairs hairs is that they are entirely 100% customizeable! Not into leaving it to nature? Whip it off! Like a more 70s look? Grow it proud. Sitting somewhere in between? Landscape! (Carefully.) Feeling your best is a scientifically guaranteed calmer-downer. That’s your best, mind: Big Wax is really trying to push the totally bare look, which is fine but not for everyone. Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of shag carpeting.
3) Freshen up if you gotta!
If you’re really nervous or uncomfortable, just hop in the shower! It’s relaxing in there, plus you’ll emerge feeling fresh as a daisy. No one’s asking you to go for a long jog in yesterday’s trousers and then let them go to town. In fact, they’d probably appreciate it if you didn’t. Although…
4) Repeat after me: “My partner is into it.”
If your man is heading that way in the first place, it’s because he wants to. His brain (ETC.) is saying to him “bet it would be fun if you pulled a bit of the ol’ southmouth right about now.” His brain (ETC.) knows what’s down there. And is excited about it. Next time he gives it a go, try to relax! Remind yourself that it can be as fun for him as it is for you, and hoo, boy, will it be fun for you. As Petula Clark counsels us, wisely: forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, and goooo DOOOOOWNNNTOOOOWNNNN. Things will be great when [he's] dowwwwwntooowwwn! Trust me: there’s no finer place.