May 26th, 2008

Dear Diary,
I haven’t eaten in over a day, or left my bed in 24 hours. As you may have guessed, Mr. X and I are over.

It started a while ago, these feelings of dread, but I kind of knew what we were heading for after the finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other night. These two kids with terminal brain tumors are saying goodbye, and the guy says, “I’m not finished loving you”. After the episode I stood in the shower and cried. Matt is never going to be in love with me. At least if we end it now, I will be ok. If we wait any longer, I might be in love with him, and I just can’t handle that. Oh, Mr. X was really named Matt. I feel he’s finally deserving of a real name after two and a half months.

The next day I called him to see if we were going to do anything that weekend. He was being a bit cold and distant, same as he’d been for the past week or so. After we got off the phone I texted him saying we needed to have a “talk”. “I agree. Call you after work”, he replied. I started to cry. It was over. He called, and said he knew he couldn’t give me what I wanted, but he still wanted to be friends. “You’re doing this to me while I’m at work over the phone?!” I cried. He said he’d meet me to Yonge and Bloor at 6:00. It was 4, and Beer O’Clock at the office had just started. I needed to get drunk. I went to the kitchen and sat with some co-workers chugging back coolers. I told them what happened, and they passed me more bottles.

I met Matt in a bar and he saw that I was drunk. I told him it was good, at least I’d probably laugh now instead of cry. We talked for a couple of hours, and I continued to drink. He said he didn’t want this to be a break up, that he still wanted to hang out just as much, but that he couldn’t be a boyfriend. He just wanted us to be more realistic about what this really was. I thought I understood. We went to the Liquor Store, bought some pear cider, and sat outside on a bench to drink while I waited for K-Dubb to pick me up. “Can I kiss you one last time?” I asked. He laughed, and said it wouldn’t be that last time, but we kissed like it was. I now think it really will be. We actually hadn’t kissed, never mind even slept together, in two weeks. We would sleep in the same bed, spoon, cuddle, he’d kiss my neck or forehead, but that was all most of the time. I had brought it up before, and he said ever since his ex he’d used sex as a way to escape, but he couldn’t do that any more. That since he cared about me, having sex with me just seemed too intimate.

I know he wasn’t seeing anyone else, I believe everything he said, and he had been honest from the start about his feelings…so how could I be mad? After we parted ways I went home with my girlfriend K-Dubb to drink the rest of the cider. We went for dinner, then to The Madison. I was depressed, beginning to feel hung over, and no one looked as hot as Matt. I wanted to go home. By midnight I was sound asleep. He called Saturday morning, asking if I was ok. I said I was fine, but I’d probably call Sunday. I stayed in bed the rest of the day crying, nursing my hang over, and sleeping so I wouldn’t have to think about what would never be.

Sunday morning I wake up, and I know I need to talk again. I call, he’s asleep, but when I start to cry he says he’ll listen. “I just need to know – are you wanting me still in your life as just a friend…or as the person you’re seeing, but just without the pressure of it heading somewhere?” He basically chose friends. I cried some more, and said I still wanted him in my life, so at least now I could let go of hopes for something more. I then emailed that guy who’d written to me weeks ago with the proposition for sex, asking if the offer was still on the table. Following that I texted Goldilocks asking if I could use him for sex next week. He said that sounded good. If you fall off the bike and scrape your knee, just get on a new bike and ride again, right? Oh shit…am I just trying to get rid of this pain with meaningless sex? Oh well.

I think I’ll actually wait a couple of weeks before any new bike riding. I should make sure Matt is totally in friend mode before I sell my soul to sex (again).