Dear Lana Louise,
I went on vacation last summer, and was seeing a guy for the three month trip. Everything was great, and at the end we went our separate ways. We recently met up again for another trip, and on night one he said he just wanted to be friends. I thought I was cool with it, but as we were hanging out in the hotel room, it hit me-I’d never been in a hotel room before with a guy who didn’t want to have sex with me. For some reason, I became obsessed with seducing him, going as far, over the duration of the trip, as to buy little costumes I knew he would be into to try and whip him into a horny frenzy. The weird part is, I can’t tell if I really wanted him, or if I just needed to prove something. Was it him, or the challenge? I’ve never become that single-mindedly obsessed with seeing another person naked before in my life.

Was it him, or the challenge? Well, the way I see it you got yourself into a triple-whammy of must-seduce-now situations. It’s a scientific fact that hanging out at a hotel room in a sexy foreign country automatically makes people get it on. It’s like hot tubs or meteor showers. Don’t even try to fight it. [Side note: if you’re ever going to watch a meteor shower from a hot tub in Belize or something, I don’t care if you’re with a group of gay celibate monks, bring some goddamn condoms. Side-side-note: Gay Monk Hot Tub Gang Bang IV is not a bad porn setup, actually].

Well, anyways. You’ve got your hotel. And we all know that hanging around an ex can turn the most level-headed female into a sex-crazed psycho. On top of which, you’ve got the ole’ I-want-what-I-can’t-have, which is a proven theme of relationships, lunch gossip, and bad romantic comedies throughout the ages. So you’re working with a full hat trick of circumstances absolutely shoving your lady parts towards this fellow. On top of which, some people just make us go crazy. To this day there is one guy that makes me absolutely lose my mind. I don’t even like him that much anymore, but after years apart if you place me within fifty feet of him I will turn into a B-movie zombie slut and probably end up naked. Chemicals? Aura? I don’t fucking know. These days he lives far away and I try not to think about it.

So why did you get so obsessed? I can’t say for sure, but it sounds like you had a whole lot of possible reasons. The only thing that matters at this point is how you’re doing now. Was it all sort of ridiculous and fun, or do you feel like you actually lost yourself a bit and would like to avoid a repeat in the future? If it’s the former, then chalk it up to circumstance, have a good laugh, and keep the costumes for a theme party. If it’s the latter, then you’ve got to figure out exactly which parts of your behavior you didn’t like, and why. You need to learn how to recognize them in the future, and build an “oh-shit” switch to turn them off. Example: “Oh, shit! The thing I just said and the way I’m freaking out about it now is just like that time with the gay monks in Belize! Okay, I’m going to go for a walk real quick, calm down, and figure out how to not get so obsessed this time.”

Well, that’s it for now. It seems today I’m all about mind over matter. Losing control is amazing (and totally necessary) in small doses, but sometimes we’ve got to knock ourselves into shape a little. Stand up tall, ladies, and choose your own path. You’re the one that’s gotta walk it, after all.

Got a question for Lana Louise? Email asklanalouise[at]gmail[dot]com