Chronologic @ THE BOAT

by Jen McNeely
Upon hearing about the night CHRONOLOGIC at The Boat, a night of music starting from the 1940’s and jumping through every fun song in the soda pop 50’s, psychedelic 60’s, disco 80’s, cocaine confident 80’s, hip hop 90’s and finally to our current slosh of electro mash…I was instantaneously sold

However, this excitement crashed when I walked up the stairs of the semi run down establishment in Kensington and with one quick scan of the room, came to the conclusion that I would likely prefer to share drinks with the forty something dad like door guy versus the 20 year old toting a broken straw hat appearing to be drunk for the sixth time in his life. Sigh. It’s difficult to find fun dance nights in this city that fit somewhere between bankers at Cheval and 21 year old hipsters in clashing costumes.

I decided to not be an age snob, and grab a stiff drink at the bar. After a few texts of warning to my friends, “WE ARE DEFINITELY THE OLDEST HERE’ and ‘NO CHANCE FINDING A GUY AT THIS BAR’ we collectively decided to fuck it and stay put to dance. Although our posse of four girls on the verge of thirty was unable to mesh and with the youngsters; we did have a blast dancing to Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl, Whitney Houston’s “I wanna dance with somebody” and Run DMC’s or LL Cool J…was too drunk by the late 80’s to really take it in.

The dance floor was packed with shiny happy people. I couldn’t tell if they knew the songs or were just delighted at the prospect of getting a blow job that evening. Either way, this is certainly a fun way to spend a night, and aside from pulling out seven decades of different moves, you will find yourself playing trivia games – screaming over the noise “WAS THIS 89’ or ’90??”, and recounting old memories that are filed away with certain songs. I recalled two very vivid ones; some bitch at high school was bullying me so I made her a mix tap of UPTOWN GIRL on repeat. THAT’LL SHOW HER THAT SHE’S THE TYPE OF UPPER CRUSTY C*NT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR!! Also, I spent an evening doing a lip synch and cry fest in my bedroom listening to Whitney Houston’s, “I will always love you.” after my dog Trixie died. I was trying to contact her spirit in heaven.

The final analysis? If you are between the ages of 19 and 23 – head here for an entire night of fun, plan your best friends birthday around this night and co-ordinate your outfits so that each of your friends represents a different period in #`1 radio hits. If you are 27 and up, break loose for an hour and then have destination #2 ready; Ronnie’s Local 69 or The Ossington are good bets to follow your chronologic danceathon with a couple bottles of ’50 and flirtatiousness amongst swarthy 30 something indie rockers.

Chronologic is held every so often at The Boat, keep your eyes open.