I’m at the computer, wasting time on YouTube. He’s on the couch, drinking his orange juice. He stops mid-gulp to examine his glass and is quiet for several minutes, just staring at it. Finally he turns to me.

HIM: Did you do the dishes yesterday?
ME: (trying to sound non-committal) mmmmmmmm.
HIM: Well there’s a spot on it. Actually, there are four spots on it. There are spots PLURAL on it.
ME: (trying to sound interested) oooh?
HIM: This is, like, the fourth glass this week I’ve drank out of with spots on it.
ME: (trying to sound concerned) mmmhmmm.
HIM: In fact, I have also encountered spot sightings on the bowls, the plates AND the silverware. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe EVERY TIME you’re in charge of cleaning something it somehow ends up with spots on it – the mirror, the floor, the bathtub – ALWAYS! Seriously Lauren, is living in a spot-free environment REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!?

And this is where I can no longer regurgitate the play by play because it just gets too vulgar and nasty, even for She Does the City (and on a side note, yes, I am indeed in a relationship with a man who uses the word “silverware”).

I’m sure by this time it’s obvious I’ve come down with an acute case of PIGPENITIS. This illness is incubated in households where one partner is constantly nagging the other partner to: (A) Clean “that”, (B) Clean “that” more, and (C) Clean “that” again! So, if you happen to be the infected partner (who, if you’re anything like me, is happy as long as there aren’t fermenting nachos cultivating on the ceiling or earwigs breeding under the couch), how do you cope?

First take an objective look at the situation. If he’s a constant nitpicky hag who has never washed a dish in his life, then take a big dose of Goddess Empowerment and toss him like you’d toss last week’s Pad Thai. But if he’s the one doing most of the cooking and cleaning and is simply asking for a slight increase in effort on your part, then trust me honey – you’ve got a good thing going. Remove a chunk of your ego (surgically if necessary) and loose the spots so you don’t loose your dude.

Alternatively, you can prescribe a deal. Personally, I offer to do the grocery shopping while he cleans the apartment. This way not only do I get out of doing the dishes, but I also get to buy all the chocolate ice cream I want. This ensures we live in a spot-free, chocolate abundant environment – and that makes everybody happy.