A man bought a gift for his mistress at my store yesterday. How do I know this? There were clues. Blue’s Clues, if you will. (Well, not literally but I do wish a blue puppy would help me solve my problems. I’d name my puppy Pepe. He’d be a good dog. Good dog, Pepe.)

The First Blue’s Clue: The man said he needed a woman’s watch. I asked very politely if this was for a gift, as I have been burned in the past, what with men wanting women’s clothing for themselves, and vice verse.  When I used to work in a clothing store, there was a male customer who really wanted women’s shorts but wouldn’t ask for them outright. He tried on every pair of men’s shorts in the store but kept complaining conspicuously about the length and fit. Finally, I showed him the women’s shorts and he was all, “Well IF YOU INSIST,” and then bought them immediately.

A note to all: you wanna buy clothing meant for the opposite gender, no worries, just be quick about it! Anyways, this watch was indeed a gift. I asked if it was for his wife and he barked back, “No!” I then asked if it was for someone he works with. His answer to that was, “What do you mean work?” Ignoring whatever that was, we went on to looking at $9000 watches without speaking.

The Second Blue’s Clue: He was annoyed during the entire purchase. Every time I asked him what this mystery woman’s style was, he would say, “Spending my money.” (Charming, charming people come into my store.)  He then added that every time he buys things for her, they end up in the back of her closet. I made a light-hearted joke about maybe not buying her anything this year, but I said it quietly, and he responded with, “What?!” I lost my nerve and came back with a casual, “Does she like gold or silver?”

This gift seemed like more of an obligation than a joy. Not that the woman was forcing him to get her a gift. It seems like this might be the time of year when he realizes having a mistress is a bit of a mistake, because he now comes with a plus one, one. Because that’s what should stop you from committing adultery: the expense.

The Third Blue’s Clue:  My boss came out mid-sale and introduced himself to the customer. (To steal my sale, you see. Like I said, it’s a charming place.) My boss also asked who the gift was for. The client’s response was, “My wife,” with a wink and quick laugh. My boss gave a knowing look and asked him to join him in his office. DING DING DING, we have a mistress!

Okay, so it’s not a scientific method. He may have been buying a $10,000 watch for an uncomfortable acquaintance of his. Either way I really had no idea men still did that. Cheat, of course they do, women do it too! (We all do the cheat, I’m not condoning it, it’s just fact.) I just thought the whole ‘buying a secret gift for your secret lover’ move was kind of, well, old fashioned. What is this the 1950’s? And if it is the 1950’s, why can’t I find a good girdle anywhere?? I actually don’t know what the modern equivalent would be for buying your mistress a gift nowadays…  framed dick pic, perhaps?

I might not have a ton of mistress gift ideas, but I do know bad lying when I see it. and if this man couldn’t even come up with a good fake story for me, what is he telling his wife?! But hey, who are we to judge?

My winter holiday wish for you all is joy and appropriate gifts, from and for whomever you like: a watch for your mistress, a car for your comrade, a scented candle for that lady from work who got you something unexpectedly and now you have to get her something even though you don’t know her at all! Everyone loves a scented candle! Happy, happy Holidays everyone!!