Money Money Money

Here are three short stories of inappropriate behaviour surrounding money that I thought were important to share with you:

1. Over zealous boyfriend splurges beyond means on girlfriend's birthday

It was lovely of Damian to invite a dozen of us out to dinner for Sandy's birthday. After we had all been quite enthusiastic ordering apps, mains, wine and espresso's, he shockingly announced with a big grin:

"I'm going to pay for everyone's meal!!!"

Slightly flabbergasted, knowing we weren't in the company of six figure salaries, we graciously declined with an overwhelming unanimous harmony of "No, no no no no no no!"

However Damian insisted:

"I INSIST!! Please…yes yes yes yes yes yes."

Not wanting to wound his ego, we finally agreed to let him pay – and were quite satisfied leaving the restaurant pockets full of cash.

Not one, or two but THREE weeks later – the guests who attended Sandy's splash received this e-mail:
"Hi guys, I shouldn't have offered to pay for the entire meal. I actually need that money back. Please send $60 / each in the mail. Cheers, D."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

2. Woman having a burst of anxiety over newly gained weight viciously tears through closet removing non-fitting size 6 items and forcing them on thin co-workers

Luanne got into a habit of mowing down a donut every day before sorting company invoices. Along with this habit was a new love for greasy Thai food paired with renting 24 by the season. A few months later Luanne realized that her new routine was slightly fattening and, to her dismay, grew out of her size 6 wardrobe at an alarming rate.

Feeling discouraged, irrational and sorry for herself she tore through her closet and plucked out all the items she could no longer fit into.

Wandering through a maze of cubicles, she decided to pawn off the much loved small attire to those more toned and young.

Janice didn't want the wrap dress that was being forced at her, but finally took it for fear of seeming ungrateful and dissing Luannes taste in fashion.

Not one, two, three or four but FIVE years later, Janice gets this e-mail:

"Hey Janice, guess what – I'm thin again! After a year full of vigorous working out and watching my diet I'm back to a size 6. I know I haven't seen you in a few years – but do you still have that dress I leant you?"

Leant you? Borrowed? WTF – she had physically pushed that dress on Janice and now five years later, three apartment moves and two jobs removed she wants what?? Janice was shocked and somewhat nervous to respond but in her usual polite demeanour wrote:

"Hey Luanne, I feel really bad but I have moved a couple times and in the process of cleaning out my closets – think I may have given that dress away to Goodwill. Yikes! I'm so sorry."

AND THEN THIS WAS THE REPLY:

"Oh, well this is kind of embarrassing but since that was a Diane von Furstenberg and I bought it for $400, would you mind sending me a cheque for $200"

HOLY SH!T ????????????? CRAZY LADY!

3. Sex toy party hostess sloppily packs up her trunk of vibrators and three weeks later realizes she's missing a cock ring and vibrating bullet.

Cheryl threw a bachelorette party for her best friend Wendy. For months she wasn't sure what to do, as Wendy was a bit conservative – so getting her a cowboy to strip in the living room or cop to slam up against her with his billy club could possibly make her cry. In her practical way, Cheryl opted for a sex toy Tupperware party.

Martinis were being drunk faster than one could do the chicken dance, music was blasting and just as everyone was snickering about blow jobs and screaming "ME TOO, ME TOO" , Samantha arrived at the door with her box of tricks.

The "ME TOO, ME TOO's" turned to shrill shrieks of "OMG – WHAT IS IT?? HA HA HA" as the dining room table became a booth for phallic objects in every colour of the rainbow. Beyond this, there were tassels, erotic novels, sprays, lotions, candles and plugs. After an hour of touching, prodding and squealing at the array of naughty wares; Samantha took a couple modest orders for edible undies, packed up her suitcase and went on her merry way.

The conservative wasp ladies were left howling at the scene they were just privy to. This followed up with a few more cocktails, dancing to Stevie Wonder in their bras - and finally home to have unsuccessful drunk sex with their hubbies.

Not one, two but three weeks later, Cheryl gets this e-mail:

"Hey Cheryl, that was fun hosting the party for your friends. Listen, I can't seem to find the pink cock ring and the vibrating bullet that people were rubbing on their hands and playing with."

Cheryl was so stunned by this e-mail that she nearly choked on her coffee.

"Hi Samantha, I doubt very much that one of the guests would have wanted to steal the cock ring that you use as show and tell around the GTA, but I can ask around?"

"Well, I think you should pay half, approx $65."

"It's actually not my responsibility to pack your suitcase so I'm not going to pay you, but I will ask around."

Cheryl began writing an e-mail:

"If anyone accidentally put the vibrating cock ring in their purse last…."

But stopped and realized that in sending that e-mail out she was essentially saying that everyone who attended was capable of nicking a used and abused sex toy. She halted her communication and simply waited a day before relaying to Samantha that unfortunately no one knew the whereabouts.

Tsk Tsk.

Jen

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EVIL DEAD THE MUSICAL

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It's a wonderful night of laughs, shrieks of disgust; an absolute fun night of horrifying entertainment.

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SHOW HAS BEEN EXTENDED IN TORONTO UNTIL JUNE 14th - If you don't win then buy your tix here:

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