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Your May 2015 Horoscope

The May long weekend is around the corner and sunscreen is actually a serious consideration. With all the denim one-piece jumpers, Calvin Klein granny panties, white Air Force 1s and monster-size fedoras taking over street style, winter has crashed and burned. Now we can warmly look ahead to summer tans, College Street ice cream dates and pool hopping.

Ladies, May is about to penetrate your libido, bank account, style and mood–crossing fingers for the better. Here’s what to expect for the month ahead in the city:

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)

You know those obnoxious friends who blab on about their birthday for an entire month? Well, you’re awesome and plenty of people love you, so go ahead and plan multiple birthday dinners, birthday brunches and birthday outings. With your practical sense pushed aside until May 21st, this month is all about rewarding yourself with the recognition, manicures and highlights you deserve. If you’re looking for a place to celebrate your birthday, get freaky at Parts & Labour’s Brass Tacks with Diggy the DJ on May 8th. Throw your hair in a ponytail, hit on a bartender and braid a stranger’s man bun. Buy some organic lube and a mini-vibrator at Come as You Are for the road. You’ll be buzzing with birthday radiance all month. Happy birthday, bb.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

The Gemini sun is under the blankets of Taurus until May 21st. Leaving your bed may be the hardest challenge you face for the next three weeks. Rest assured, you need this time to collect your thoughts, sleep through a few alarms and heal yourself. Healing starts from within, so if you’re questioning yourself more than usual, remember that your spirit animal is an anaesthetized 20-lb. cat, so don’t be too hard on yourself. While you’re soul searching, drop by the Contact Photography Festival and think long and deep about the past, your relationships and the future ahead of you. Dump your jerk bag boyfriend, read Nabokov’s Lolita and clean out the garbage in your life. You’re about to take spring cleaning to the next level.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

This month, the sun is drinking Tromba Tequila cocktails on special at La Carnita while visiting Taurus, the eleventh house of group chat, brunch parties and bathroom bonding with strangers. Drop by the Drake Hotel’s 86’D tonight for the Guacamole Smack Down, tear up Ossington in a jean jacket and speed cycle to the after party in your stylish cashmere sweat pants. Your social activity is hitting the top of the planetary charts and chances are you’ll be flying off the walls with crack-like enthusiasm. Take this time to get in touch with your digital side too, expressing yourself through Snapchat, Instagram videos and sub-tweets about hunger, fear and loathing. You’re a unicorn on ecstasy, and nobody can stop you.

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22)

It’s going to be hard to concentrate on anything outside of work right now. You’re a career-driven sake bomb and with that you’re revved up for success, recognition and confidence at work. Buy some sassy red glasses, sign a cheque, and whip your hair back-and-forth in the office intern’s face–everyone wants what you got, Mama. Take the intern for a coffee after and tell him/her that experience is about dedication, maintaining nice hair and having a great attitude. They’ll understand. At the end of the month, buy yourself a power woman cake and eat it all by yourself, alone in your bed. You’re the boss, applesauce.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22)

The sun is having an orgasm in your ninth house of mini-vacations, exploration and travel. It’s time to try a new dish or switch up your routine, or cruise Google images for your next vacation. Your comfort zone is melting under May’s sunshine, so you’ll be inclined to get frisky, be dangerous and do something you’ve never done before. Be spontaneous and try the beef short rib platter at OddSeoul. If you’re a vegetarian, swing by Electric Island on May 18th, dance without a bra and find a food truck serving an avocado chickpea salad. Your split-second decision making, attitude for dance parties and risk taking will take you on a memorable journey this month. So take plenty of pictures and drink plenty of water; it’s important to stay hydrated under all the heated excitement.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)

“Money, Money, Money” by Swedish pop group ABBA is your anthem this month. Over the next few weeks, you’re tempted to wear a bright pink fur jacket and oversized black fedora and dance around your living room with a microphone in hand. With the sun investing extra bucks in the eighth house of mortgages, life savings and security, you’re ahead of the game with finances. If you’re in a relationship right now, consider taking things to the next level. This could mean getting matching rose tattoos by Glennie at Pearl Harbor, prompting a “relationship” text conversation, planning a destination wedding or adding a cat to the mix. Whatever the “next level” is, your partner will dig it and want to eat you out until sunrise. Keep up the good work. You’re a queen.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21)

Over the next few weeks, you’re going to have multiple occasions to sit down and have a quality one-on-one chat with someone rad. With your attention on listening to friends and being a better person for the long run, read Monica Heisey’s life guide book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better: A Woman’s Guide to Coping with Life, to rejoice in better decision making. Savour conversations with red wine, candles or an afternoon at Pages UnBound–a literary festival where you can chat books, movies and more with a close friend. You’ll be filled with kind gestures all month, and your friends will feel lucky to have you with them. Between work, friendship and extremely attractive romantic partners, your relationships across the city will be injected with a thick shot of awesomeness. You’re a very special weed brownie, and everyone wants to take a bite out of your magic.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21)

Ready to throw out that raggedy yellow crop top from 1996? Yes, you definitely are. This month, you’re cleaning up big time and replacing old shit with new shit. Take Fusion, a yoga/pilates class at MISFITSTUDIO and eat a bunch of chia and kale after. You’re feeling a splurge of health-infused life changes and you’re ready to see some physical changes. After cleaning your house, buy some new Nike Roshe Runs and experiment with green juices at home (try kale, ginger, celery and spinach). Join a swanky running clique and talk to your friends about the amazing soup you made for lunch. If your soup is really good, everyone will positively gossip about your killer soup skills and toned arms. We’re all jealous of you. Stay motivated.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)

It’s time to reward yourself for all the cool things you’ve accomplished lately. Maybe you’ve been too bogged down with brunch dates or events to truly acknowledge everything you’ve done this year. Whatever your recent win has been, treat yo self, lady. Grab a loofah, some moisturizer and a new face mask–it’s time to kick back and reward yourself with much needed solo-time. Pop some champagne for Yelloweek and ‘Let Life Surprise You’ while you bask in the glory of your brilliance. If you feel a little depressed mid-month, brush your shoulders off and stay focused on feel-good moments and face-slap sex. See the light, do some jumping jacks to snap out of it. You’ve got a lot to be happy about.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)

The sun is having a staycation in your fourth house of home hangouts and relaxation. You’re all about making the house a home, and with that, you’ll want to invite all your friends over for a girl’s night of banana bread, tequila and Indian food. This month, you’ll feel extra close to your fam jam. Call your mom and reminisce about TBTs, childhood and why people act the way they do. Take your sibling to the Burger Brawl Round 2 and catch up over the title of the best burger between Chef Eric Wood (The Beverley, Maple Leaf Tavern) and Chef Dennis Tay (DaiLo). While you’re vibing out in the crib, listen to Electric Relaxation by A Tribe Called Quest and concentrate on a fun hobby like painting, writing or sewing. Write a diary entry, make a plate of nachos and watch some weird documentary about the food industry. Home time is v. chill.

PISCES (FEB 19-MARCH 20)

Ideas are exploding from your ass, ejecting you into the air and locking the attention of employers, colleagues and anyone standing physically close to you. While the sun moonwalks into the third house of communication and brainstorming, you’re demanding attention with statement fashion accessories, awe-inspiring ideas, cute purses and more. If you’re dating a hipster, bring them to CraveTO at the Burroughs for craft beers, food and boogie-style dancing. Don’t be afraid to break dance or initiate a hug train–everyone will be into it. Challenge yourself to not talk about the weather on the weekdays and be fearless when walking through gangs of sidewalk pigeons. You are unstoppable.

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)

Your boss is hounding you for tangible results and you’re eager to deliver it on a fancy gold plate. Your motivation and money-making energy will hijack your life for the next three weeks while the sun rips through the second house of work, financial organization and basic bitch fundamentals. While you’re all work and no play, take a moment to smoke a joint and watch Planet Earth on Netflix. Watching nature shows will give you familiar comfort while work drives you up the wall for a busy month of meetings, action items and brainstorms. If you’re still feeling stressed, take an hour to float in a waterbed at Float Toronto on Queen West. It’ll do you some good to center yourself under the work stress. Try and get some sex, too. The more sex, the better.

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