Everyone get off Twitter, please. I’ve had enough! What are we all doing?! I will tell you what we’re doing. Or at least what some of us are doing. I will not name names directly because that is not the way things are done, evidently, because what everyone is doing is subtweeting.
You know, subtweeting? The fancy new buzzword for that thing you used to do in your MSN statuses and livejournal updates as a teenager, and in person as a bitchy tween? “Current mood: disappointed, you know why.” “Missin sum1, tho it can nvr b.” “Some people need to get over themselves, especially their dumb bitch hair extensions which we all know are fake,” etc. etc. etc. “Subtweet” stands for “subliminal tweet,” which seems a misnomer to me, as the purpose of subtweeting really seems to be a way for the tweeter to scream, “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID,” loudly, in public, while readers get to go, “Ohhhh we DO know what they did…MAYBE,” the same way that Blind Items in gossip columns are almost never blind. “Which of these former Spice Girls wasn’t looking too SPORTY when she came out of this current President’s house at 7am?!” Exactly.
I just don’t get it. We are grown-ups. We get to enjoy grown-up things like jobs and the freedom to eat whatever we want for dinner and home ownership (just kidding) and red wine. The only rule is that we have to behave like adults, i.e. generally comport ourselves with manners and some semblance of capability, at least enough to put on a show at being contributing members of society. And yet all of a sudden now, because we have a word for it, we’re allowed to trash talk each other or announce forbidden crushes or complain about our friends to their faces in a way that is also sort of behind their backs? No thank you. No please. No not at all. If you have a problem, take it up tactfully with the source of that problem! (Who sometimes is yourself, just saying.) If you have a crush, tell your crush like a goddamn adult! If you are feeling low, text your friend that you are sad. Do not text the whole world some Death Cab lyrics—the whole world does not need it.
I would like to offer you a piece of advice, plainly, to your face, with no clouded language: Subtweeting is for tiny baby children. You’re above it. #youknowwhoyouare #JKyouiseveryone #joinme