The Hills are Back

The Hills are back and more nauseating than ever.  This time around, the reality behind the ‘reality’ took center stage, drumming up some series publicity for the show’s premiere.

To start things off, much to our amusement and mild girl boners, last week we were treated to topless photos of a young and naïve Audrina…not much has changed. 

As countdown to the third season of our favourite guilty pleasure raged on, US Weekly ran a cover story with headline “Betrayed by Brody and Audrina: How I Was Stabbed in the Back.” 

Tail tucked between her legs, Lauren took to the blogs singing Brody and Audrina’s praises, and bashing the US story.  Way to bite the hand that feeds you!  After some words with father/manager (because the world needs more of these types) Lauren changed her tune and sucked some major US Weekly cock in an effort to redeem herself - it worked. 

Next in line was an interview with Wall Street Journal where LC was quoted as saying “I’m sure a lot of people don’t take me seriously,” and then proving why we’ve got it right.  The less than flattering piece chronicled her first ever fashion show, overuse of the word ‘cute,’ and sure signs of I-know-best syndrome, which often infects young privileged assholes.  What I found most appalling, however, was her inability to correctly spell ‘beret’ – curious considering her entire season is based around Parisian fashion. 

Last but not least, the cherry on top of my virgin Shirley Temple - Spencer and Heidi photo-ops.  From frolicking on the beach to holding hands under the stars, and going Easter egg hunting with matching bunny ear headbands – Heidi’s breasts have paid for themselves many times over by this point.  And who could forget - Heidi’s now embarking on a singing career, and Spencer (her manager) has been releasing her music videos online.  

(You may throw up in your mouth, but it’s totally worth it – promise!) 

Now for the actual premiere Monday night, it definitely did not disappoint! 

The episode begins as Lauren fills us in on Heidi’s troubled love life (via voice over), and then goes one to gush about her long-awaited trip to Paris.  Lucky bitch. 

Meanwhile, Heidi’s kicking it in Colorado, spending some time with the parents, and letting her abnormally large head air out Spencer’s funk.  She’s had her lips plumped, but there’s been more work done. Something’s different; her face is longer and more angular.  Is it just me? 

Back in LA Spencer gets a visit from his shoplifting sister, and they discuss the Heidi ‘situation.’ The sis suggests Spencer make a list of everything he did with Heidi and do the exact opposite.  BAH! Ok – I’ll give props where props are due! 

Lauren and Whitney arrive in Paris, and are on their way to style a photoshoot.  Halfway through, Lauren gets a call from Audrina, who informs her that Brody has acquired a new girlfriend (over the last two days!). 

Lauren does not take the news well, but luckily for her, gal pal of my dreams Whitney is there to lend a kind word, “I’m sure Paris is full of guys that are cooler than Brody.” Hells yeah! I’m sure any trailer park in middle America is full of guys that cooler than Brody. 

No episode of The Hills would be complete without Lauren trying to hook up with male specimen. And so, LC and Whit make plans to hang with a band they’d met in LA with most original name ever – Rock & Roll.  Lauren scours a sea of discount jersey dresses (from her self-titled line presumably), but can’t find anything appropriate to wear.  In an effort to demonstrate her designer chops, she ‘alters’ a gorgeous borrowed Alberta Ferretti gown.  (By ‘altering’ I mean raising the hem of her couture dress with a dollar store sewing kit).  Whitney does not approve. 

The group date goes well, and the gang moves their party over to the Eiffel Tower where they take turns declaring their love for the city.  One boy is especially enamored with Lauren. 

Back in Colorado, Heidi has dinner with her family and Spencer who has shown up unexpectedly to apologize.  Heidi makes a toast to her parents and spends the rest of the evening ignoring the sketchbag and looking miserable.  

Back in their hotel room, the girls get ready for a major ‘work’ function – they’re helping out at an uber-fancy debutante ball.  Suddenly, Lauren discovers that she’s burned her mega expensive Ferretti gown with a curling iron (you fool) and bursts into tears.  A little basting stitch doesn’t seem so bad now does it Whitney? Luckily for Lauren, the situation diffuses very quickly, and burnt gown is replaced by a white beautifully draped Grecian-inspired dress. 

Unfortunately, Audrina’s hills get no screen time this episode, instead we are taken back to more Heidi and Spencer awkwardness, where our teary-eyed popstar-in-training tells Spencer to move out.  She needs time to figure things out, blah, blah… The breakup would have a lot more impact if we hadn’t just seen them eating each other’s faces on TMZ. 

The debutante ball ends, and Lauren is whisked away by her new friend.  He arrives looking all James Dean, cigarette in hand (usually not sexy, but in this case…), sitting atop a Vespa wearing a bomber jacket – HOT.  

Back at the function, Whitney shares her dissatisfaction with work with a fellow Teen Voguer…could a storm be brewing?  Perez Hilton warned us about this! The girls were allegedly fired from the teen publication, however, at the risk of loosing credibility, struck a deal to make it look like they left on their own accord.  And on that note – aren’t you glad The Hills is back??? 

Till next week!