Weeding Out the Bad Cock

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell a bad boyfriend from a good one, especially if you haven’t been in many long term relationships. We asked the guys to provide tips for University students on how to detect the keepers from the assholes:

John Smith: There is no magical way to tell if someone is going to be a crappy boyfriend, at least right off the bat. If someone is a shitty person than they will probably be a shitty guy to date so the same rules sort of apply for both. That being said maybe you suck too so, for instance, while I would generally say that “homeless drifter” is a bad sign maybe you’re the drama-loving type that enjoys having someone leech off you for a few months than waking up one morning to find that all your stuff is gone and it burns when you pee. Different strokes, right? Well, with that in mind, the following are a few quick questions to ask yourself about your new guy if you’re fairly sane.

Does he put some thought into your dates?

If date 1 consists of a few beers at a dive bar don’t read much into it as he’s just seeing if he likes you. If dates 3 and 4 are much the same or, worse still, consist of ordering a pizza at his house you can look forward to a relationship of him not giving a crap. You know those coupon books that little kids make for their parents in lieu of a real present with “I will mow the lawn” or “I will clean up after myself”? That’s the sort of half-assed present you can expect for your birthday or Christmas. Every anniversary will end in tears because he either forgot or decided it would be “romantic” to spend a night in and rent a video. He will become fat and wear jogging pants and you will follow suit.

Does he want to do stuff with you on the weekend?
A few years back I was dating this girl and we’d always get into arguments about hanging out on the weekends. She’d always be bugging me to do stuff and I’d say ridiculous shit like “you don’t own me” or “don’t try to change me” and go get wasted with my friends and see her when it was convenient for me. Of course, I was just being an asshole because I didn’t really like her that much and I was keeping my options open. She should have dumped me.

Does he talk about himself a lot?

At the outset these types are quite alluring. They appear confident, interesting and will probably choose the restaurant/bar/activity with no input from you which is attractive on a first date in a take-charge, manly kind of way. Beware though, that who you are is probably of little interest to him and as long as you look good, laugh in the right places and don’t embarrass him in social situations you will serve your purpose. Prepare to be a sounding board with no personality of your own. Don’t confuse this asshole with someone who talks a lot because they are nervous, completely different guy altogether. Nervous is good, it just means that he likes you and really cares if things go well.

Al Batrosse: I know that back when I was a struggling advice columnist I was guilty of thinking of girlfriends as instant cash machines with magical powers. I secretly paid male friends back on minor debts but held back on paying down the bank.

Bonus Answer: Watch out for a new bf asking repeatedly about the evenings you spend with your "gay husband". Especially if your new dude makes awkward commentary on how you might be doing some conversion.

An experienced woman weighs in:
If a guy always asks you to suck his cock and never returns the favour – he’s a selfish pig.
If you buy him dinner and he whines about lending you bus money – dump the cheap asshole.
There’s never a need for someone to hang with their ex on a weekly basis. Movie nights because she’s sad actually means regular sex behind your naïve back.
If he belittles you in front of his friends then exit the relationship immediately.
Unambitious pot smokers who spend all day long with their hands on their cock eating chips and watching Family Guy…c’mon you are better than that.
That all said, Uni is for experimenting and sifting out the good from the bad. It’s okay to have a crazy relationship full of wild sex but poor manners – just know when to end it.

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