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An imperfect life guide for women
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What to Do When You Have a Crush on Someone

I have never been particularly boy crazy, but when it comes to crushes, I freakin’ crush at them. From summer camp to waitressing jobs to – well – right now, I have always managed to find that special someone who gets my heart fluttering, and then crush the shit out of them (from a restraining order-safe distance, of course).

So how do you know when you’re crushing on someone? Basically, you daydream about them and think up outrageously sexy scenarios that involve them (probably a secret closet, some whipped cream and a few feathers). Every Justin Bieber song reminds you of them. You find yourself easily distracted at work, consumed by the thought of brushing up against them again the elevator. They are your BAE whenever they say hi to you (which is basically the extent of your conversations). Do they know your name? Who cares? A crush is your uncertain destiny until it ultimately crushes you into utter despair, and excessive Netflix and pizza consumption.

Crushes are perfectly normal, but what do you do with all those feelings in the meantime?

  1. Make Up a Stealth Nickname – How else can you GChat your friends without the fear of getting caught? The chances of your crush looking at your computer or phone are pretty slim, but WHAT IF he did? WHAT IF he has secret government access and can obtain your blubbering emails about him? You’d surely have to quit your job and/or move across country. And, no, initials don’t work. That is way too obvious. Think of something unique, like Green Eyes, Walks With A Limp, or this fave: Marriage Material. Get those creative juices flowing!
  2. Go to Facebook – Duh. I mean, how else will you discover their relationship status and birthday? Go through your crush’s photos and make up excuses for their not-so-hot pics (“Everyone has a bad hair day,” “He’s just drunk…a lot.”). Do a quick comparison on the bands, movies and TV shows you both like (“We both like Breaking Bad? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?”). Refrain from looking up friends and family and exes because “Fatal Attraction” isn’t exactly a cute look.
  3. Screenshot a Pic of Your Crush – And send it to a friend so they’re able to weigh in on his godliness. When they say you can do better, unfriend them. Or, at least, don’t talk to them until they finally say to you with an exasperated sigh, “FINE! Your future kids would look adorable! Can we go for sushi now or what?”
  4. See If You Are Astrological Soulmates – You have their birthday and perhaps even their full birth name (thank you, Facebook). Now plug in their details in a very reliable compatibility system like Café Astrology. If your results scream SOULMATES, text a screenshot to your doubting friend and tell her, “Toldja! We are meant to beeee!” On the flip side, if your results are less than satisfactory, scream “Bullshit” at the computer and try another legit-sounding site, like AstroMatrix.org. Your love will triumph somewhere!
  5. Imagine Conversations With Your Crush – You haven’t actually had a two-way convo IRL, but you just know it would be THE BEST. Your crush would say something intoxicatingly clever and your rebuttal would be just as sexy and on point. He would look at you with stars in his eyes, take you by the hands and say the words you have been dying to hear: “What’s your name again?”
  6. Wear Special Outfits For Your Crush – Some cleavage, a form-fitting skirt, a flirty thong JUST IN CASE HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU IN THE JANITOR’S CLOSET. And then the fucker doesn’t even show up to work. But, of course, he shows up when you’re wearing your fat jeans and have a zit the size of Manitoba on your nose. Ah, l’amour.
  7. Search Facebook When You See Him With Another Woman – WHO IS THIS BITCH?!
  8. Stare at His Twitter Pic For Hours– You picture him naked. And then you immediately picture him with clothes on because penises are weird. You picture the two of you together on your wedding day. On your honeymoon. On Dr. Phil as you discuss his gambling addiction and your undying commitment to your marriage. You picture him on the couch, playing Xbox, as you prepare dinner in the kitchen, while simultaneously feeding your two young kids and the dog, and him shouting at you, “When’s dinner going to be ready?” You picture killing him softly in his sleep because his sleep apnea is driving you fucking insane, and let’s face it – he’s an asshole.
  9. You Keep Telling Yourself To Get Over Him
  10. You Find a New Crush
1 comments
GeoffReed
GeoffReed

the humor of the piece aside, if said crush is available and/or your mutual lifestyles intersect at enough points that the possibility of something more is imaginable, why not ask them out?