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Why I’m Breaking Up With Online Dating

We’re over, Online Dating. I’m breaking up with you. We’re through! So finito, it’s not even funny. I understand that this is a great loss to you. My taglines were witty (after a thousand re-writes) and I was pretty much always up for some friendly banter (occasional bouts of loneliness and boredom means the Chatty Cathy within starts to stir), but honestly, I can’t do it anymore. I know you’ve worked out for other people, and I give major props to those successes, but I don’t see us riding off into the sunset together. I’ve deleted my accounts and I am never going back to you, and I really, really mean it this time. And here’s why:

It’s not you, it’s me.
Seriously, it’s totally me. I’m an organic kinda gal. I like relationships to grow from something natural rather than from forced interactions. I’m big into feeling and reading other people’s energy, and you just can’t do that very accurately through a computer screen. I prefer when relationships are borne through friendship and/or shared experiences. Also, I like when attraction and love takes me by surprise… and feels less like a job interview. That’s just how I roll. So it really is me, not you (except for the Erik Estrada-looking doctor who called me “an anorexic cunt with cheap-looking clothes” after I left mid-date. That’s aaallllll you, jerk).

I’m just so busy these days.
When I first started online dating, a friend (and veteran of the online dating scene) told me that it would be like having a second job. She was right. All the constant messages! The winks! The hellos! I can’t keep up with real-life communication, never mind deciphering emoticons from strangers. I don’t have the time to vet emails, scroll through pictures, and determine whether or not someone’s a feeder/psycho/married in real life or not. After working on the computer all day, the last thing I want to do is… work on my computer.

I can’t give you what you need.
You need someone who will message people regularly and who actually enjoys cyber-winking. You need someone who wants to actively date all the time. I’m not that person. I like spending time with my friends. I like spending time alone. I like what I like when I like it, men included. If the timing isn’t right, it doesn’t matter how accurate your algorithms are—it ain’t going to happen.

I need space.
I understand there are a ton of people looking for love online. I know some of them. I have friends and family who are actively looking right now. It’s a big community and for many a productive and exciting one. I get it. But then you had to go and match me with a former Axe-wearing intern of mine, didn’t you? WTF. And THEN this intern went ahead and messaged me! And THEN we had this awkward messaging where I had to shake him off! OMFG. You caused worlds to collide and my opinion of you was never the same. I knew then that I needed space. Tons of it.

I want meet dudes the old-fashioned way. You know, in person—doing things (eating, watching a comedy show, playing tennis), being in places (a grocery store, a coffee shop, wherever!)—not from behind a computer screen. I want these guys to find out about my favourite books and movies and activities by discovering them with me, not reading a list on my profile. I want to try new things and be brave in my real life as opposed to my online one. And I want to get *that feeling* about someone, not because a dating site told me he’d be a good match, but because I know he is.

2 comments
Lisa
Lisa

Three hours or so, before coming across this awesome article, I had deleted my two week old online dating account! This is my second time breaking up with online dating and I could never express my true intentions for doing so...until now! This article made my day. Online dating is not for everyone but it's a definte ego boost more often then not.

amy teil
amy teil

I kind of get some of this but I also think you may need to change your perspective.

The magic happens when you take the online offline and actually meet some of these people. There's something very refreshing about meeting someone who has no other connection to your life, you don't have common friends to crutch on, you don't have anyone else's opinion of that person to effect your judgement (whether positively or negatively), and you get to really learn and discover that person from a raw and fresh place. I went on a lot of bad dates stemming from both online and offline meetings, but the best date of my life came from meeting someone online - we have just moved into our second apartment together! But I would never have met this wonderful partner in my life if I had closed off experiences and narrowed it down to "just online" or "just in real life".