Dear Jennifer,

My extended family lives across the ocean, and every summer I fly out to visit them. One summer when I was 16, I met this guy there and instantly took a liking to him. We hooked up that summer, and when I came home we continued to keep in touch.

The summer of my 19th year we slept together for the first time. We spent the five of the best days of my life together, and I fell in love with him. I have never before felt about anybody the way I do about him. I felt like I had found the kind of happiness I had been looking for all my life. When I returned home we continued to talk every single day for five months. Being so far away from him became increasingly unbearable. I found myself crying everyday and missing him too much. I decided it might be best to distance myself from him, so I could function normally in my life at home.

Shortly afterward, I started dating a great guy who lives in my own city. I’m 21 now, still in the relationship, and unable to get over this other guy. While I don’t think about him everyday, and I don’t cry over him, I still think about him frequently. While he’s also been with other women, he’s told me he’s not as happy as he was the last summer we spent together. As much as I want to be with him, I find it unfeasible to pick up my life and move it halfway across the world, especially because I’m still in school.

I feel like I’ll never be as happy with anyone else as I was with him. Help me! What should I do?

-Longing Heart

Dear Longing Heart,

Thank you for your heartfelt question and for sharing your feelings around your deep connection with this guy. It appears that you are in a difficult spot right now being so in love, yet so for away.

Only you can answer what the best course of action is for you – there is no clear cut answer. I can’t tell you what you “should” do – what I might do is different than what would be right for you. I can, however, give you a few things to think about and reflect on.

There are many ways you can look at this and many different choices you can make. It is about finding one that feels good to you.

Here is what I see:
The guy across the ocean (GATH) made a big impact on your life and it sounds like his imprint is fastened deeply within your heart. You can’t be completely committed to your current relationship when your heart belongs to GATH. It sounds like you are feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place and wanting to make some kind of change before you drive yourself mad.

First off, don’t jump ahead of yourself. Before you think about moving overseas and your mind wanders into the future, bring yourself back to Toronto and the present time. Our minds have a natural tendency to wander into the past or the future and rarely stay in the here and now. Much of our pain and suffering is caused when we are off in the future or living in the past. Really, all we have is this moment right now.

You might want to begin by questioning your present situation. Are you ready or willing to leave your current relationship? Does GATH know how you feel? Do you know how he feels? Have you discussed your feelings for one another and possible options?

What about your current boyfriend? Are you prepared to sacrifice your current relationship to explore the possibility of a relationship with GATH? Think about the impact on your current relationship and whether or not you can be happy with your Toronto boyfriend if you are vested in someone else.

If you and GATH decide you’re ready to take the next step, it doesn’t have to be a huge step like moving overseas immediately. Have you considered meeting up somewhere, going to visit him or having him come to visit you? See if the physical attraction is still there. Plan a meeting and spend some time together before you even think about moving anywhere. You never know what could come about from your meeting – the possibilities are endless.

On the other hand, if you decide that you do not want to pursue your relationship with GATH, you might want to ask yourself if continuing communication with him is helpful to you or not. It can be unhelpful to continue communication with an ex when so many feelings are involved and you want to move on from the relationship.

Follow your heart and let it lead you. Trust that everything will unfold perfectly no matter what the outcome.

-Jennifer