by Radclyffe U. Hall
Throughout the course of time and the evolution of the world, there have been many wonders which have enriched culture and progressed society. Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. The Greeks invented the Olympics. Those French people built the Eiffel Tower. And sometimes, when the moment is right, two geniuses come together in one night of passion and create a lesbian. The unofficial Ninth Wonder of the World! Now, one might think that with such impressive historical forbearers lesbians would be incapable of doing wrong; that they are modern day super heroes with unlimited gifts. But, from my recent observations, lesbians seem to be incapable of quite a few things – things that most people find effortless and natural. These include: 

1. DRESSING THEMSELVES

It’s not just the individual clothes items but rather the way in which they are put together to spell “bad”. And often, these items are so ill-fitting and incorrectly conceived that they spell out “plague”. And despite how obviously horrible these combinations, most lesbians are proud and unaware of their dress and even go so far as to find these get-ups attractive on others. They are a unique species. I have seen signs of improvement in many lesbians, but the majority tends to follow these traditional tropes of dyke fashion: 

  1. Black or white wife beater/tank top. Okay, I admit this is not a terrible start. It looks good on Jennifer Aniston. However, lesbians routinely pair it with flared or baggy pants, chunky shoes, and a ridiculously large and often studded belt. The end result is a perfect fashion choice….in 1998. 
  2. Faded jeans that lack any definition and thus most closely resemble a denim sack. Said jeans are then help up with the assistance of a thick canvas belt with numerous loops – an item rarely seen on anyone but carpenters. And it doesn’t stop there. In addition are: a dark hoodie and dirty sneakers that resemble the ones your gym teacher wore.
  3. When lesbians want to look nice or classy they often turn to a black dress shirt. One that fits awkwardly and is always 3 ¼ length sleeves…in the WINTER! But they do mix it up. With flared or baggy jeans. And a large belt. And, occasionally, a chunky tie.

2. HAVING GOOD HAIR

With the exception of a few outliers, lesbian hair is either severely overstyled or criminally understyled. Their commitment to the molding of individual strands is just as fierce as their loose definition of the ponytail. The possibility that their hair might impale your eye is equally as strong as the probability that they might not even know their hair exists.

While the overstyled look is commendable for effort it is also baffling in its creativity. For example: spotty patches of dye, dangerously sharp angles, an upsetting lack of balance or symmetry or composition (I’m looking at you lopsided Mohawk), strange shapes and patterns devoid of hair, and that mini rooster style that looks trendy only on gay men and David Beckham. All of these are bad. But, then again, so is the opposite. When lesbians aren’t gelling their hair within an inch of its life, they often fail to recognize that it exists at all. Painfully frequent are the nights out when a lesbian appears as if her hair has spent the previous three hours within the confines of a hockey helmet. And, most likely, it has.   

3. DANCING

Straight off, I will say that I am an atrocious dancer. And no matter what they might believe, the rest of my kind is just as rhythmically challenged. Before you start to disagree, just picture a Friday night at a sleazy club on John and Richmond. Think of those straight girls in their four inch heels and how they manage to easily and sexily adapt their body movement to whatever new beat comes their way. Now compare that to a group of lesbians in the village, awkwardly quais-crumping to Reggae or excessively pumping their fists to Bon Jovi. If, God forbid, the DJ spins a new beat the general reaction is a prolonged state of surprise followed by a Stage One seizure and then a slow recovery back to uncomfortable movement. 

But despite these minor flaws lesbians are a perfect breed. What other group of people can possess or excel at: bare hand construction of everyday things; impeccable stick shift driving; innate genius for understanding, programming and developing computer systems; superhuman emotional intuition; impressive ability to keep Nike shoes looking brand new; a profound talent for turning straight girls with a mere soft touch; ridiculous knack for organization; intense strength at creating depressing yet award winning short stories, art pieces, and films. I’m going to stop here because this list could go on forever. The point is lesbians are miraculous. As long as they don’t dance, style their hair, or dress themselves.