While most of Toronto’s Friday night club scene is blaring techno beats from the long lines of traffic at John and Richmond, a small community of the city’s lesbians congregate at a tiny resto bar called Slacks at the north tip of the Gay Village.

And although Slacks is the center hub of lesbian activity it bears frightening similarities to even the direst of night spots. Take The Government, for example; even if most club hoppers see its existence as the epitome of old male sleaze and coked out Hos, it maintains a wrap-around the block line up every weekend that pays a hefty cover. In the same way, Slacks represents all that is shameful about lesbians. Including the cover (It’s only 5 dollars but lesbians are cheap). And yet we go. Every week.

Slacks can best be described as a pet store. You can possess all the resolve and determination in the world but it is impossible to walk by without going inside. It entices you despite the fact that it smells and you know you’ll regret it. The main attraction of the Slacks pet store is the joy you find from looking at all the animals on display. It’s always a mix of sadness and greed. You’re desire for them will usually cause you to embarrass yourself by acting like a creep or retard. And just as the pet store has an ample variety of lonely dogs and cats, Slacks has an entire kingdom of the lesbian species.

For a primer, here are a collection of the notable types:

THE COUGARS

Residence: North Toronto

Description: Self explanatory. Likelihood of smeared eye make-up and excessive hair layers.

Occupation: Appleby’s Hostess or Bartender; Stay at home Mom

Drink of Choice: Cranberry and vodka; light beer

DJ B-BOYS

Residence: Lakeshore Strip; Bathurst St.

Description: A fashion thunderstorm of clean Nikes, coloured hoodies and matching trucker hats; Slightly affected strut combined with a remarkable ability to schmooze

Occupation: Group home aide or hospice worker (unless you count DJ as an occupation)

Drink of Choice: Sleemans; shots of tequila

BEER STORE ASIANS

Residence: Scarborough, Brampton, GO Bus Destinations

Description: Named for their hangout of choice, a sort of hyper cocky munchkin land of baggy jeans, cool ponytails and Von Dutch Hats; Inexplicable bouncy energy

Occupation: Rogers Sales Team; IT Wizards

Drink of Choice: Anything

WEST END BEATNIKS & HIPSTERS

Residence: Queen & Gladstone; Bloor & Landsdowne

Description: Probably the only people who will read this column; Old school gentleman staples: pocket watches, ties, vests, suspenders, pork pies; Occasionally mimic solemn 14 year old boys; penchant for writing.

Occupation: Minor Corporate job; Sales clerk at trendy store

Drink of Choice: Keiths. On draft.

MOCK SOPHISTICATES

Residence: Little Italy, Forest Hill, Yorkville

Description: Buttoned down, 1 drink drunk, straight women; Exist in a bubble fueled by The L Word; Maintain an aura of stylish control without having to be cool; ability to have an actual conversation at a loud bar

Occupation: Doctors, Lawyers, Bankers

Drink of Choice: Red wine; vodka soda

THUGS

Residence: Mississauga, Keele North

Description: Loud, tough, unstoppable; inability to not reveal their boxers; Aggressively attack the dance floor, women, their drinks, etc. Most likely to break a nose at the bar.

Occupation: Freelance graphic designers; Police cadets

Drink of Choice: Canadian; Jack Daniels