I truly do love my boyfriend’s mom like she was my own, but sometimes when we’re visiting I have an uncontrollable urge to down all the Tylenols in the house and sit quietly on the couch, waiting for nature to take its course. It all started while I was living with my dude’s family last summer and the following statements caused me to contract a near-death case of Mother-In-Law Plague:

1. When you get married you should ask all your guests to wear cream-coloured outfits. It will look better in the pictures.
2. I can’t wait to be in the room when you give birth to your first child!
3. Are you really going to eat that whole box of cookies?

But the ones that bugged me the most…

4. What do you mean you don’t garden?
5. What do you mean you don’t clean?
6. What do you mean you don’t cook?

Even if you’re in a monogamous long-term relationship there will always be another woman – his mother. And usually she’s there to stay, so you better find a way to co-exist at least semi-harmoniously or else you’re in for a looooooooong and bumpy ride.

In my case the other woman often verbalizes personal fears I have about certain aspects of my personality (namely that I’m so far away from Suzy Homemaker on the domestic-adequacy scale you might as well call me Dirty Harry), so I often have a hard time laughing off her comments and moving on. But the thing that sets me free (besides a two-drink minimum) is realizing these are MY issues and I was using her comments as a scapegoat for not feeling grounded and secure within myself. Once I realized that and started looking inwards instead of outwards for approval, I tapped into the kick-ass Goddess I am.

So now every time Mother-In-Law Plague creeps up I fight it off by constantly reminding myself — I don’t like gardening, cleaning or cooking (who the fuck does anyway?), but I can write up a storm, hire a cleaning lady and have three orgasms in a row. And I feel good about THAT!

And come on, give her a break. After all if you’ve done your job right you’re the girl that has sucked every last drop of innocence out of her little boy.