Let’s see. How can I make a smooth segue into this piece? Sex is good. Music is good. Songs about sex are gooder. This is a list of my favourite songs about doing the nasty, all of which are quite nasty themselves. There. My English skills are impeccable. Done and done.

God-Des & She
Lick It
Are two lesbian rappers from NYC. They’ve got this pretty neat little ditty about eating vag… My favourite lines, and there are many, are towards the end, when these bitches say "I have to be blunt and not profound, but your wet pinky finger in her asshole, you’re in three different places, it’s time to go. Your pinky in her ass and your other in her hole, your tongue move fast, like a drum roll…" I’m no expert in the matter, but I’d take advice from these gals! Oh wait, no, I’d never go down on a girl in a million years, that’s right. Unless they’ve changed vaginas to look like cock. Have they done that?

Cazwell
All Over Your Face
Cazwell is also an NYC rapper… here’s a shit quality video featuring Amanda Lepore, famous New York City tranny. This song is fucking dirty. Here’s some choice parts: "I eat that ass like a cannibal" "Baby it’s all over your face, looks like you’ve been eating paste, I came to close in your direction, DNA on your complexion". If there’s a more accurate description of jizzing on someones face, I haven’t heard it. Listen for some of his other classics like "Watch My Mouth" and "Mission Possible".

Khia
My Neck, My Back
Khia was pretty popular for like twelve nanoseconds, and then disappeared until she recently showed up on VH1’s Miss Rap Supreme. Let’s not talk about all the things wrong with VH1 trying to find the next rap superstarlet and talk about how bitch was kicked off. All these other no name chicks, and Miss Motherfucking My Neck, My Back! "All you ladies pop your pussy like this. Shake your body don’t stop don’t miss. Just do it, do it, do it now, do it good, suck this pussy just like you should." You know what rhymes with back? Crack. She goes on to say, "My neck, my back, suck my pussy and my crack."

Next
Too Close
Remember 1997? I do. I watched Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, knew that ODB and Mariah went back like babies with pacifiers (after all, Ol’ Dirt Dog’s no liar), and listened as Next’s too close burned up the charts. You know how that song starts? "I wonder if she can tell I’m hard right now. Hmm". That’s right, the stuff of your dance floor nightmares, personified in song form. Best tribute to dancing boners I’ve ever heard. And this part, they’ll play on the radio no problem: "Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, ooh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it. Ooh, you’re dancing real close, (some unintelligible bit) real close, you’re making it hard for me".

Watch on YouTube

Salt ‘N Pepa
Shoop
I’d be remiss to not mention the song I have probably quoted in its entirety over the course of this column, so… Here we go. I won’t bore you with the details of quotes, because, fuck, you should know this song by now. What you may not remember, is the video. Fucking watch it. Fashions from1993 were fucking amazing.