by Radclyffe U. Hall

On the finale of MTV’s reality show A Shot at Love, Maxim and Myspace model Tila Tequila – a Bratz doll with excessive make-up – must choose between a man and a woman; a strange hybrid of The Bachelor and Next. 16 female and 16 male contestants endured ridiculous tests (mainly trashy variations on relay races and eating challenges) to secure a final spot in Tila’s heart and vagina. Most of the lesbian contestants fit the stereotypical frat boy stripper fantasy, except with scarier hair and bigger boobs. Despite Tila’s insistence throughout the show that she prefers “femme” or lipstick lesbians, she ends up chosing a butch fightfighter named Dani from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. With her bangs and her cocksure demeanor, she most closely resembles Shane – the lanky stud from The L Word who spawned a phenomenon of worship and irritating clones, dubbed “the Shanettes”. Most non-lesbians couldn’t give two skateboards about Shane’s cultural importance, but nevertheless her reign over fashion trends is still quite dominant. In other words, Dani is in many ways the Shane of Fort Lauderdale, except without the undernourishment or the drug problem.

So what is it about butch lesbians that is so irresistible?

As Dani began to beat the blonde competition, I was struck by how attractive a person she really is. Normally if I saw a person like Dani at a nightclub, I would…not buy her a drink. But perhaps I have been missing something all this time. Butch is clearly all that and a bag of chips! On the show, Dani is the only one who didn’t a) throw herself into a bucket of lesbian drama, b) list her occupation as model/go go dancer, and c) wear less clothing than a baby. In general, as a butch, Dani is so much more easy-going than the average woman (please don’t send me hate mail. I love women).

Case in point: My ex-girlfriend Jamie. Jamie is very intense and very attentive…to herself. For the first couple of months she was funny, loving and exciting. But then I began to fear for my life.

One time I was late to a dinner at an expensive restaurant only because of a freak rain storm that inverted my umbrella and destroyed my home. When I got to the restaurant, Jamie failed to ask why I looked like a wet rat and instead threw a hissy fit about how I made her wait and that I had made her look pathetic sitting alone. If Dani had been my girlfriend she would have caressed my cold face, toweled my drenched body and ordered me a glass of wine. Her main concern would have been my reason for being late and my well being.

I decided once to have a nice afternoon in the park with Jamie. I thought we could have a nice stroll and enjoy the colours of the changing season. Apparently in order to take pleasure in the two hour walk, she felt she needed her 60 ton Santa sack aka Chanel shoulder bag. I assumed she had packed a picnic, and a change of clothes, maybe some shoes and some skis. But she barely opened it and instead complained about its weight the entire time. Dani, on the other hand, would be able to carry everything she needs in her back pocket. We actually would have seen the leaves change instead of stopping every ten minutes to “rest our arms”.

Most of the time when I would go out with Jamie to a bar, she would talk endlessly about how whatshername was cheating on whosherface with Julie. Sometimes I wanted to dance or chat with my friends, but Jamie always complained that the dance floor was too crowded and that my friends didn’t like her. Dani would have started a conga line and would surely have bought my friends drinks. She would make everyone feel like they belonged. Towards the end of the season the lesbians were constantly backstabbing and trashing each other, but Dani refused to pass judgments on anyone and instead focused on their good qualities. She is a saint.

Dani is what we epitomize “the butch” to be: low-maintenance, relaxed, easy-going and observant. Dani always chastised the guys for manhandling Tila and failing to respect her. She actually remembered what Tila liked without coming across as a creepy pathetic loser.

All in all, I now understand why so many girls fall for the butch boi dyke. Dani is currently designing her own clothing line called “Futch” Apparel (Femme + Butch), for those lesbians who are stylishly androgynous but don’t quite fit into men’s or women’s clothing. We are currently myspace friends.