by Daniela Syrovy
I’m one day away from my due date and looking back on my pregnancy these are the things I learned.

1. Sometimes you just don’t know.
I’m at the bank running an errand. When I first walk in I feel like it’s a bit warm inside. I take off a layer of clothing. As I wait for the five people ahead of me to get their banking done my temperature rises just a little bit and I’m thinking they’ve really cranked the heat at the bank.

The next thing I know I’m laying on the bank floor passed out and when I come to the ambulance is already there and EMS workers are asking: are you diabetic? (no), have you eaten today? (yes), do you have any idea why you fainted? (no), do you have a heart condition? (not that I know of). I’m rushed to the hospital on the thought that I have some serious heart condition. My blood pressure is low, my heart is barely beating and I’m under 30 years old. Hours later in the emergency room the doctor comes gliding into my room and says, “Congratulations” and shimmies out.
Congratulations! Congratulations what? Congratulations I’m alive? Congratulations my heart is still pumping?
20 minutes later he returns and after I accost him he says, “Oh you didn’t know?! You’re pregnant! Congratulations.”

What the %*#@?! I’m thinking ok ok I must be a day pregnant; I must be a week pregnant. How could this be? Turns out I’m 11 weeks pregnant.
Instantly my mind races to all the bad things I’ve done in the last 11 weeks. Heavy drinking, smoking, debauchery. Check, check and check. Only nine weeks prior I had been working the Toronto Film Festival as a publicist running around like a chicken with my head cut off and just a few weeks earlier I’d gone on an indulgent camping trip. Now I was going to be a ‘mom’. For all the gals wondering I did get my monthly visitor—so when it comes to pregnancy anything is possible.
Poof! One plus one equals three!

2. A midwife is not a woman that does your husband during your pregnancy.
She’s a fully trained and certified practitioner that does everything your doctor or OB can do when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. The difference being that a midwife believes childbirth is a natural process that has gone on since the beginning of time and a doctor sees it as a medical procedure. My doctors’ appointments (pre-midwife) lasted 5 minutes maximum—my appointments with my midwife can last up to an hour long. They answer all of your questions and let you make informed decisions about how you’d like to proceed during pregnancy and labour. They also stay with your for weeks after the birth and check up on the baby. All of this is covered by OHIP! There is no extra cost to have a midwife.

3.You become the main character in the movie Memento
Everyone talks about nausea, vomiting, and fainting as the most common symptoms of pregnancy when what they should really be talking about is how you lose your mind! A few months in I found myself literally forgetting absolutely everything. I could walk away from a dinner party to go to the washroom only to return to the room to find I couldn’t remember what I was doing there.

I began meticulously writing it all down. I wrote down whom I had just spoken to on the phone, where I needed to be, where I stashed my black stilettos. When I asked my midwife about it she responded very nonchalantly, “oh yeah that’s completely normal-your baby is taking all your memory juices away to build their own”
Normal? So beware of the Memento Syndrome during pregnancy and take precautions. You can take omega fish oil supplements and this will help combat the brain drain. Start now ladies!

4.Buying a stroller is harder than buying a car
I never thought dropping the dough for junior’s wheels could be so complicated. Umbrella, jogger, 5 point harness, all-terrain wheels, mommy tray, travel system, canopy, bassinet, pram, window, tandem, swivel wheels, reversible handles—this is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to stroller lingo. My advice is to forgo spending a small fortune on the latest model bugaboo (this is a high end brand of stroller that costs more than twice some peoples rent) and go second hand if you can. Once the baby can walk the stroller is redundant. Don’t get lost in stroller land-steer clear of the smarmy sales reps at the baby stores.

5. People care…sometimes a little too much
The second you have a visible bump, every stranger walking down the street wants to touch it. They want to ask you how far along you are. They want to know if it’s a boy or a girl. They want to help you, they want to give you free decaf at Starbucks, and they want to give up their seat on the subway for you.
They also want to tell you that ‘oh my god you totally shouldn’t be eating sushi-you’re pregnant!” They want to scoff at you when you casually take a sip of wine from your partners’ glass. They want to lecture you about the benefits of eating spinach and about how you should be resting. They look on in disgust when you order a Caesar at the bar. I must say this was the most ridiculous part of pregnancy. People are very concerned with what a woman, drinks, eats and say when she’s pregnant, but as soon as the baby is out—it’s mass exodus. You could feed the child and yourself booze and McDonalds all day long and no one will bat an eye.

6. Exercise is essential and sex is great
I just don’t buy the, “I’m pregnant so I have to sit on the couch and get fat” theory. In my fourth month of pregnancy I did a fitness bootcamp. Ladies get off your asses and do something. It feels good and it’s great for baby who also gets a mini workout every time you move your body.
With sex you have to get creative but it’s fantastic once you figure out how to work around the watermelon attached to your mid section.

7. The name game
The instant you reveal your possible baby names to those asking get ready for a barrage of questions and concerned looks. I’m currently in a battle with my aunt over naming the baby after an Egyptian goddess. Auntie: “Are you insane?! She was a hideous goddess! There is no way you can name a little girl THAT! I will not speak to you if you name the baby that!”

Whatever you do when you’re pregnant and you’ve thought about your names—don’t reveal them to anyone. The names will be judged and scrutinized.
Once the baby is out no one will have a choice and no one will have a thing to say about what you chose to name the baby.

8. There’s more than one reason to eat your veggies
Not only do you need all the nutrients from veggies to sustain your body during the nine months you’re building a super human inside of you, it’s also good for the baby’s taste buds. If you want to avoid a picky eater eat a variety of stuff –even the nasty brussel sprouts you said you wouldn’t touch. If you avoid certain foods don’t be surprised when junior decides he’s not touching his veggies with a ten-foot pole. If you’re binging on Dairy Queen Oreo, Skor blizzards don’t be shocked when the little one throws tantrums for the sweet stuff as soon as he/she can talk.

9. An alien takes over your body
Stretch marks, bloated boobs, leaking nipples, thunder thighs and Sasquatch ankles are all a part of the experience. Somehow I thought I would be immune to these things. I refused to buy maternity clothes, I didn’t slather on the belly jelly. Until one day I looked down and couldn’t see my vagina. A huge belly was in the way and the stretch marks were fast approaching. There’s no avoiding the inevitable. So I gave into the lotioning and potioning. I’m still standing firm on the ‘no maternity clothes’ rule. Instead I shop in my hubby’s closet and in the clearance sections of boutiques searching for the XXL sizes.
I did splurge on a fashionable diaper bag because a girls’s got to treat herself once in a while, especially when she feels like Sigourney Weaver in the movie Alien.

10. Pregnancy is amazing and a beautiful labour is possible
After all the talk I hear of horrible pregnancies, no sleep, vomiting, sore muscles and mood swings, I found that none of that was true for me.
I had an amazing nine months. The hormones evened me out—I felt calm, zen, centred and ready to take on the world. It’s like being permanently stoned.
Through my prenatal ED classes I also heard about tons of women who had natural amazing births. Everyone concentrates on the pain and the horror of delivering, but there is an army of women with incredible birthing experiences.
I’ve already been visualizing my own big day as calm, beautiful and perfect.
Of course I’ve never done it so what do I know.
Check back with me in a week’s time and I’ll probably be cursing the whole 9 months and the labour.