Our Montreal Man-on-the-Prowl gives up sex for more than a month, and tells us all the (surprisingly) dirty details.

The days are beginning to meld together and pass at a turtle’s pace. In this race, slow and steady blows his load quick, fast and in a hurry.
There isn’t much interest in reading about the guy who stays home Saturday nights playing Warcraft, trying to abstain from sex. My trials these days are not so much with the opposite sex as with my own…sex. My right hand woman is a foul seductress with the sexual prowess of a Vietnamese masseuse. Every night she (my right hand is female) tempts me with the memories of nuts gone by. It is one thing to keep your dick in your pants and not practice penetration for a month or so, but I am pretty sure not busting a nut in that long is just plain unhealthy. I find myself praying for the day I wake up fused to my boxers; but that morning’s sweet relief hasn’t come. After talking to some buddies who get wet dreams from time to time I figured I was long past due for a good bed wetting. I don’t remember ever having one, but if I ever was going to, NOW is the time.

The other night my brother and I went to our Grandparents’ home for dinner. My Grandpa is the kind of outgoing joker who has always been the life of any party. No matter where we are; large family function, wedding of someone he barely knows or dinner at my parents place, he will no doubt end up making a speech, sing some top 40 from the 40’s a capella and tell a plethora of filthy jokes. He always comes through. In short, my Grandpa is an OG.

I arrived at their place before my brother and Gramps was already into the scotch. Granny served me a Jameson and we got to chatting. After showing me an old school leather flask holder he and my Granny used to use to smuggle booze into dances, he remembered he had something for me. “Your brother got to choose first, but I think yours could be worth something on Ebay,” he says. Gramps brings over a Manila folder held shut with an elastic. I am figuring it is some picture of me from when I was a snot nosed brat, or a drawing of Spiderman with my face that Grandpa used to get a kick out of drawing. Granny is sitting there with a big smile as my grandfather excitedly takes off the elastic and shows me that he is imparting to me his prized October 1974 edition of Penthouse magazine. My grandparents just gave me a porno. Are you fucking kidding me?

After perusing some of his favorite sections and well worn centerfolds my bro thankfully showed up and gave me someone to laugh about this with.

Even this weird as hell instance became temptation later that night when I got home. Thankfully the next day I was granted a disgusting gift from god that quelled even my most prurient urges.

~NM