It’s the episode six recap, coming straight to you from my laptop in The 6ix. This week’s episode can be encapsulated in one word: drama. Meghan and Brittany have now been solidified as sworn enemies, like Kane and Abel, David and Goliath, or Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian. Theirs is an epic blood feud routed in a deep suspicion in each other.
But first, let’s start at the beginning of Group Date Number One. The episode’s first outing saw the girls learning Dominican dance. This proved a stressful challenge for Meghan, Stacy and Jessie, since none of them self-identify as dancers, and Dominican dance looks complicated. I’d definitely eff it up. To make matters even more awkward, the ladies were forced to perform their moves in front of a live studio audience. Only Brittany enjoyed her stage time, lapping up the opportunity to perform for Chris, to whom she referred as “her boyfriend.” She was so cool and comfortable, it made me wonder whether dance is Brittany’s talent when she competes in pageants.
Brit obviously excels at sultry dancing. The woman has rhythm. She has moves; however, she also has a tendency to take eyef-cking a little too far. During her number, Brit never took her gaze off Chris, who found eye contact a little too intense. It’s the kind of prolonged eye contact you might make with a serial killer before they knife you. Now, I don’t for a second believe Brit wants to knife anybody. I just understand Chris’ aversion to eye contact that looks more like a staring contest.
After the dance recital, Chris enjoyed a dinner with his four dates. That’s when things got really explosive. While the other ladies were enjoying some quality time with Chris, Meghan and Brittany were left momentarily alone. This plot twist was more obvious than the lyrics in pretty much any John Mayor song.
Meghan took their alone time as an opportunity to accuse Brit of being “fake” (this, if you recall, is the worst possible insult in the Bachelor universe. It suggests you are not there for the right reasons. And the right reasons – though it’s not clear what they are – are basically The Ten Commandments of this show.
Meghan also alleged Brit manipulated her, gaslighting Meghan into believing both Chris and her fellow competitors hated her. For her part, Brit vehemently denied making such comments. Given that there is no camera footage of Brit saying such things, it’s impossible to prove or disprove Meghan’s claims. This, of course, did not stop Jessie from taking Meghan’s side in the altercation.
Meghan, Jessie and Stacey took on a united front in order to warn Chris of Brit’s reputed rapaciousness. They informed Chris that Brittany from Calgary was not there “for the right reasons,” a sin akin to killing defenseless baby pandas, as far as the morality of this show goes. They decried Brittany as “an actress,” who just wanted to win for the sake of winning.
Clearly persuaded, Chris chose to confront Brittany about her motivations. This proved the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Brittany’s mantra throughout the series has always been that nothing matters besides her relationship with Chris. She’s never seemed too upset by her fellow competitors’ disdain, as long as she had Chris’ approval. Chris turn against her, however, proved too disheartening to endure.
No longer content to play the villain, Brittany decided to leave. When a producer sought to convince her to say in the name “for true love,” Brit shot back, “It’s not true love!” Take that as you will. Either Brit never was there for the so-called right reasons, or Chris’ distrust was a major turnoff. Either way, Brit informed the cameras she intended to “leave like a queen.” She wasn’t about to wait to be eliminated at The Rose Ceremony. She hightailed it out of there immediately in a black SUV.
Next, came time for the episode’s one-on-one date, which went to Mikaela. Mikaela has been an obvious frontrunner for a while now. But almost as if the show was tricking us, she and Chris hadn’t enjoyed much private time. Of course, Mikaela made up for that by jumping on Chris as soon as saw him. The pretty Winnipegger looked positively giddy! I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited about anything as Mikaela was on that date with Chris. And that’s saying a lot, because I once saw Adele perform live in concert.
Chris and Mikaela walked around town, learned how to roll cigars, then enjoyed a private dinner at historic fortress. You know, normal date stuff. By the end of the night, they both looked positively smitten. If I were a betting woman, I’d put my money on Mikaela winning. Chris even declared Mikaela’s the one he imagines himself “walking down Queen Street with” someday. I enjoyed that very specific geographical shout out to Toronto. It’s those little details that remind you this is the Canadian version of The Bachelor franchise.
The third date of the episode was a group date featuring Kait, Catie and Lyndsey. It was by far the horniest date of the season; the women were tasked with making aphrodisiacs for Chris, then one by one serving them to him as he sat around without his shirt on. Why did he need his shirt off to eat aphrodisiacs? I’m not sure, but Chris has nice abs and I enjoy getting my Female Gaze on, so I’m not about to question it.
Of the three women, Catie was the most enthusiastic about her carnal concoctions. In addition to being a lawyer, a yogi, and a meditation coach, she’s apparently an expert at making love potions, too. Perhaps all these talents are why Chris later declared her “the smartest person” he’s ever met. Sadly, intellectual capacity does not look like a turn on for that dude. He once labeled Catie “too intense” for him. Chris then mansplained to Catie that she “needed to chill.” Yes, Chris mansplained relaxation to a freaking MEDITATION COACH, and he had no awareness whatsoever about why that was inappropriate. I guess straight white male privilege means having the confidence to lecture anyone on anything.
Lyndsey was the second competitor to serve up her aphrodisiacs. Apparently, they were effective, because after a few bites, Chris couldn’t keep his hands off her. She left with hand marks all over her ass. It looks like Lyndsey could give Mikaela a run for her money. Chris and Lyndsey have mad chemistry. I think she’ll certainly make it to The Fantasy Suite.
The third and final woman to give Chris a taste of her love potions was Kait. Strategically, she stripped down to a red bra and panties when it was her turn. Chris was so impressed by Kait’s efforts, he actually gave her the prized Group Date Rose. Chris explained how he appreciated Kait’s openness and vulnerability, but it probably didn’t hurt that she’s also a babe.
As is customary, the episode ended with The Rose Ceremony. This was where Meghan, everyone’s favourite Newfoundlander, went home. Chris chivalrously walked the scorned Meghan to a car waiting to take her home. He punctuated their goodbye with a reminder to Meghan that she “deserves the world;” she agreed. Meghan drove off into the night, insisting she will not stop searching for a lover who’ll treat her “like gold.” W Network, please, please, please let this search take place on the next season of Bachelorette Canada. There has never been a more adorable – or more quotable – contestant than Meghan in the history of this series! She deserves her time to shine!
Well, that’s it for this week! I’m off to tweet #MeghanForBacheloretteCA for the rest of the week. Please join me!