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The Bachelor Canada Recap, Episode 5

This week, the rivalry of Brittany versus everyone else became something from a Taylor Swift song. There were plenty of recriminations, but it was never clear what exactly Brit’s crime was.

As I write this recap, I’m prepared to be branded as a Brittany apologist. Admittedly, I have a habit of defending the villains, but that’s only because I do not always understand the popular definition of villainy on reality TV. The action that made Brittany persona non grata was leaving a love note in Chris’ bathroom on a previous group date. It was a couple sentences of flattery, some sweet nothings for the man she would like to make her sweetheart. You would have thought she’d murdered an adorable baby sloth or something!

It was Lyndsey who alerted the other ladies to the love note Brit left for Chris. While Brittany received what was billed as “the most romantic” date of the season, the other girls stayed home to sit by the pool and seethe. How did Lyndsey know about the note? Well, Brittany had voluntarily told her about it. Transparency is not the typical hallmark of a villain. Brit isn’t hiding her tactics; they aren’t underhanded. Brit was simply the only contestant creative enough to think of them.

Her fellow competitors insisted Brit’s behaviour was “disrespectful” and shady, as though she had worn white to her sister’s wedding or something. Interestingly, they accused her of “breaking the rules” with her love note, but that’s not exactly true. Anyone who’s familiar with The Bachelor canon will remember Sean Lowe’s season, where the winner (and his now wife) Catherine Giudici wooed Sean with her signature love notes. Do these people not study up on past seasons of this franchise before filming? What kind of strategy is that? Education is SO important.

Anyway, back to Brit’s one-on-one date with Chris. She definitely did score a plum outing. First, they went on a romantic helicopter ride (didn’t he do that a few episodes ago with Lyndsey?). Next, they made out by the pool in their bathing suits. They capped the night off by slow dancing, thanks to a private concert by the water.

Reflecting upon his date with Brittany the beauty queen, Chris said his attraction to her was “undeniable.” This was evidenced by the fact their kissing was so intense, it looked like Chris was trying to resuscitate Brittany with mouth-to-mouth breathing. Brit also received an assortment of free Michael Hill, so I’d say her night was a success. If she doesn’t get the final rose, she can sell those Bachelor baubles on eBay. I’d buy ‘em.

When it came time for the episode’s first group date, things got a little fishy, and I don’t mean that figuratively. Because the date card is always some sort of sexual pun, it told the ladies they would “go deep,” which referred to deep-sea fishing. The trio selected for this double entendre of an expedition consisted of Kait, Jessie and Meghan.

This group date was historic, because not one but two women were wearing one-piece bathing suits! Both Kait and Meghan opted not to wear bikinis, which must be some sort of Bachelor record. So the women are not actually contractually obligated to wear two-pieces after all! Good to know. This revelation blew my mind!

Jessie was in her element on the fishing boat, as her parents own a fishing resort. Meghan, however, was plagued by seasickness. Jessie nursed her, like the angel that she is. But Kait took the opportunity to snag even more one-on-one time with Mr. Chris. Kait also threw shade at Meghan in her on-camera interviews, worrying everyone’s favourite Newfoundlander was jealous of her “connection with Chris.”

I guess karma is a thing after all, because while Kait spent the most time with Chris on their group date, Meghan walked away with the coveted Group Date Rose. Chris complimented Meghan on her big heart, and just generally praised her for being lovely. Seriously, Meghan is one of this season’s MVPs. Can she please be the next Bachelorette? Let’s start a grassroots campaign! If you’re with me, please tweet #MeghanForBacheloretteCanada. If that doesn’t work, I will begin a Kickstarter campaign to produce my own off-brand version of the series.

This week’s second group date took the form of a baseball game. Because Chris has played in the Dominican Republic’s winter baseball league, he is enchanted with the country’s baseball culture. Hearing about his love for the Dominican baseball community was endearing. I was delighted by the idea that he and the women should play a game together, but the game was corrupt.

Lisa, AKA Mermaid Squirrel Whisperer, played hard. She actually slid on base, which is something Chris says even the professionals seldom do. Yet when it came time to pick the game’s most valuable player (who received extra alone time with Chris), he chose Lyndsey from BC. No shots fired on Lyndsey, but I’m calling bullsh-t! Lisa played her goddamn heart out. We all know Chris selected Lyndsey because he likes her more. The competition was not meritocratic at all! It was a fraud, a sham, an affront to the integrity of The Bachelor franchise itself! I expect better from our titular Bachelor than such obvious bias. Is Chris not taking the responsibility that comes with his role seriously?

Anyway, Lisa’s luck did not improve as the episode progressed. She was the one sent home after The Rose Ceremony. Apparently, bruising yourself on a baseball field is not the way to win a man’s heart. At least Lisa has her squirrels to keep her warm at night. As she departed, she told the cameras that she hopes they, at least, still love her. And I love you too, Lisa! Go wear your fishtail with pride and commune with vermin to your heart’s content. You do you! You will not be forgotten, you wonderful weirdo!

Anyway, that’s a wrap for this recap. Oh, and can someone please explain to me why everyone, including Catie, started giggling hysterically when she received her rose? I feel like we’re not getting the entire story. I will spend the rest of the week attempting to solve that mystery! I’m planning to pitch it as season three of Serial.

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