by Daniela Syrovy
Forget silicone. If you’ve ever dreamed of huge, porn star breasts that will turn heads I’ve figured out the surefire way to accomplish it…breastfeeding! 

That’s right ladies. You don’t even have to give birth – every woman is capable of making breast milk – even those who adopt.  

And voila!  In the span of a week your boobs go from their regular size up three or four sizes. 

Your nipples turn into gigantic cartoon pacifiers and no matter how you try to contain your puppies, your cleavage spills out of every shirt and into the eyeballs of every passerby. 

They get huge—I mean balloon huge. One week after labour every girlfriend I have that visited would start with, “Holy shit! Your boobs are enormous”.  Or the more common “Sorry what were you saying? I can’t concentrate your boobs are just too huge.” So you can imagine the attention you get when you venture out of the house into the real world toting your new Pam Anderson’s. 

I decided to take my little one for a breakfast outing to run a few errands. Instead of stopping at the Tim Hortons that was packed with potential gawkers I opted instead to sit at a quiet German bakery a few doors away. I figured a place that serves liverwurst sandwiches is as good as any to try my hand at my first public feeding. I was relieved to find only two customers in the whole place and both of them over 60. Perfect! 

To my dismay the seemingly nice geriatric couple enjoying their morning toast were both instantly attracted to my giant bazookas.  The man gives me an approving look, while smiling crookedly and raising one eyebrow as if to say, “if only I was 50 years younger I’d hit that.  The woman smiles thinking, “if only I was 50 years younger I’d bitch slap her!” Boob envy!  

Both of them fail to notice the baby snuggled safely in my sling. Then WHAM! I attach baby to breast and the man’s look turns from ‘yeah baby, I’d hit that’ to “run for your lives!” He’s shocked and appalled, and the woman turns away wide eyed. 

Ridiculous. I find it so disgustingly hypocritical that North American society celebrates the breast in movies, in magazines, on the runway, and on television but attach a baby to it and it’s the toughest sell in the world. 

I always joke that the same man or woman who scowls at the breastfeeding mom in public is the same man or woman that goes home to jack off to Internet porn. When are we going to get over it and realize that we’re just animals and as animals it’s normal and natural to feed our babies?  

After the first try I found myself feeding everywhere and anywhere. If a geriatric couple at a German bakery were going to be disturbed by my milk-making melons than I might as well throw caution to the wind and giv’er! Next thing you know we’re breastfeeding at the park, the corner store, the lawyer’s office and even at the bank. As the banker and I talked mortgage, baby was happily sucking away at my boob.  

It became a bit of an addiction. ‘Oh yeah you want to stare at my giant boobs…take this!’ Then I would bust out baby and attach her to the breast. It’s definitely a great way to ward off any nasty men who think they’ve got a shot with you. 

But it wasn’t always this easy, breezy just sashaying into the bank and whipping out my breasts in front of the teller. It took me a week to feel brave enough to go out and publicly feed. Why? Not because I was uncomfortable with people gawking, not because I couldn’t find a big enough bra to contain my boobs (although that was also a challenge). No, the reason it took me a week to go out was because it took me that long to figure the whole damn thing out. For some women I imagine it takes even longer. For others it probably comes naturally, but for me Breastfeeding 101 was tougher than grade 12 Chemistry. 

For the first days of your newborn’s life your breasts do not produce milk they produce pre-milk called colostrum. It’s dubbed ‘liquid gold’ because it’s the perfect meal for your baby packed with loads of nutrients. The only problem is that this pre-milk comes out in tiny dribbles. Take a really firm lemon and squeeze as hard as you can and watch as a tiny droplet of sweat appears on the skin. That’s about as much food baby gets from 30 minutes of suckling. So while you’re trying to get acquainted with your bundle of joy they are sucking as hard as they can suck as if their live depended on it (and it does).  

You’re probably thinking a tiny 8-pound human being is sweet and harmless. Well let me tell you about their sucking powers. Take the most powerful Dirt Devil vacuum you know and place it directly on your nipple. Now do it for 10 hours a day. Cracked, sore, raw and in extreme cases bleeding nipples is what you get.  Through some stroke of luck or perhaps years of having my nipples over-stimulated (ladies get your men to toughen them now), I managed to avoid the cracked, bleeding nipples.  

Engorgement on the other hand was another story. About the third or fourth day after labour as your milk comes in, your boobs swell to gigantic proportions and turn rock hard. When I say rock hard I mean hammerhead hard. You could seriously put an eye out with them, except you don’t want to because they’re on fire and you’re in pain. Milk is coming in fast, hard and hot and you need to empty the load. If baby is not suckling enough the rock hard, white-hot massive boulders could last up to two days. During this time I got my creative juices flowing in an attempt to find ways to cool off the volcanoes. Here’s the tip of the day: Should your breasts engorge and over heat, grab some cabbage, stick it in the fridge to let it cool. Then take the giant cabbage leaves and place them on your bare breasts. The first time I did this I almost had an orgasm. My husband began asking me if I was going to leave him for cabbage. It feels that good. I’m in the process of designing the first ever cabbage bra. I’m thinking of calling it the Cabbra.  

Day four I found myself getting in more of a groove with feeding but I was shocked to find how mental baby gets over breast milk. You’re feeding for what seems like 20 hours a day (literally every couple of hours for roughly 30 minutes), and if you don’t get to baby fast enough things can get ugly. When your adorable little angel first starts showing signs of hunger the trick is to get to her quick. At first she sounds like a little Gremlin –but a nice Gremlin.  

By the time you get to the crib Gizmo is turning into one of the bad Gremlins and she’s not very happy. Before you know it she’s beginning to lose her mind—you’re in 28 Days Later and she’s infected. She’s a vampire in need of blood. When you finally get to picking her up she’s completely rabid. I mean head bopping, foaming at the mouth, flaying arms rabid dog!  It’s like having a little heroin addict in the house and when she needs her hit – damn it she needs it now! It you don’t act fast by the time the baby is on the breast her little fists are punching your breast and she’s hungrily and hysterically trying to latch on.  Then the calm comes and before you know it baby is happily filling her belly with the good stuff. 

The most amazing thing about breastfeeding is how empowering it is. It’s been a few weeks and my little girl has gained an entire pound. When I found this out I almost cried. I know it sounds ridiculous but you feed the little sucker and you feed it and then one day she grows up right before your eyes. The pound she gained came out of my boobs! And while she’s gaining pounds, you’re losing them. I was overjoyed to find that breastfeeding burns 700 calories a day. That’s like an intense spinning session! And all because of milk that naturally comes out of my breasts. 

My body produces everything she needs to grow for the next couple of months – it really is an amazing thing.  Plus breast milk is super powered. The midwives were kind enough to inform me that breast milk is a magical potion. Cut yourself in the kitchen? Just express some breast milk on the cut and you will be healed in a day! Have an eye infection? Pour some breast milk right into your eye and the infection will heal before you can say, “Milk: it does a body good”.  Breast milk has crazy antiseptic powers. All natural, packed with nutrients and antibodies. I’m tempted to roam the streets spraying everything in sight with the good stuff. Milk jetting out of my tits landing in every passerby’s face, flowers blooming as the milk hits it, strangers jumping through the air, hopping around in joy, thanking me for the great healing liquid streaming out of my giant love guns. But first I’ll start with feeding my baby every two hours.