I saw a guy walking down College last week wearing a t-shirt you’ve probably seen, too. It was black and sported a simple graphic of a smiling bride, a frowning groom, and the words “GAME OVER.” I also recently saw an episode of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding (don’t ask) in which a bride-to-be refers to her pre-wedding bachelorette party as her “last night of freedom”. Now, I realize that a stranger’s torso and bad reality TV are likely not the best place to look for nuanced social commentary, but this equation of committing to someone with the death of one’s independence is hardly limited to messages I’ve received from strangers’ torsos and reality TV.

I’ve heard it from people I hardly know. They’ve approached me about my decision to live with my partner, saying things like “I don’t know you well, but how do you manage to be in a relationship and be independent?”, because these two ideas are mutually exclusive? I don’t get it.

I’ve heard it from people I know very well. To this day, both male and female friends have reacted to my marriage like it’s some kind of disease. People have jokingly (read: passive aggressively) said things like “Sorry to hear your life is over” and “Why are you abandoning us?” and “I guess you’re not a feminist after all, eh?” because embracing couplehood is never something a man or woman would willingly do and thus necessarily means that you’ve resigned yourself to someone else, will cut all ties with your single friends and no longer believe that all people should have the same rights? I still don’t get it.

On some level though, I do understand. Long-term relationships are rarely depicted as sexy or glamorous or even fun (see every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, ever). And people aren’t kidding when they say it’s a lot of work (and I don’t just mean balancing budgets and gross chores with date nights). I mean the work it takes to have some conversations that will make you so uncomfortable you’ll want to jump out of your skin and run to the nearest bar. I mean the work is takes to shift your perspective to understand your partner’s position on a subject even though what they’re saying goes against everything you believe in and WHY ARE THEY STILL ARGUING YOU WHEN YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY RIGHT? (Fun fact: You can’t spell “marriage” without “I am rage.”)

And maybe people think of that work as a loss of independence, but to my mind, that’s where much of it actually resides. There’s a freedom in being able to share your darkest thoughts and deepest shame with someone and still have them want to cook dinner with you. There’s a freedom to having someone smell your worst farts and still want to get it on with you. There’s a freedom in knowing that someone will still want to snuggle you despite your unforgivably terrible taste in reality TV.

But I guess that idea wouldn’t sell as many t-shirts.