"If you want me to 'see the other side of things,' I want you to see my other asscheek as I walk away from your baloney-peddling ways."

Facebook Fighting 101 – A Manual For Perfect Bitches

Look, it’s 2014. We’ve all had that hot-under-the-collar moment where someone has come in to “White Guy” a facebook thread. You know what I’m talking about—a large scale derail of the topic at hand to fight, argue, and eventually stomp off with a huffy, “I guess white men aren’t ALLOWED to have an opinion anymore!” This gets extra special when two dudes White Guy each other—like a magical double star of white-hot patriarchal privilege, locked eternally in each other’s gravitational forces, with notifications expanding forever and ever into the ether.

Of course it’s best to not engage in this nonsense. As a veteran Facebook Fighter and unflinching feminist, I can tell you that your friend who tells you to “just forget it” is probably right… but also, sorry to Those Friends but fuck their calm, smug faces. You’ve got beef. Let’s get down to it. Feel free to send this to any Argument Man who wants to throw sand on the playground.

Don’t Fuck With A Woman’s Timeline: If you come to my timeline where I’ve posted something earnestly important to me, and start arguing that I’m full of shit, you my friend have just started a Facebook fight. You will regret this after my 1,000 word response about your useless observation that something is “reverse racism.” No, it’s not. We’re trying to have a nice chat here and you are ruining the party, buddy. Go back to Junior College.

The Devil Does Not Need An Advocate: If you want me to “see the other side of things,” I want you to see my other asscheek as I walk away from your baloney-peddling ways. If you’re not bold and strong enough to have your own opinion and stand by it, fuck right off, sir. This “other side,” which you assure me you are not a part of, did not hire you as its legal counsel. You owe it nothing, it does not need defending, goodnight.

No, I Will Not Hash It Out Privately: Private messages are the perfect place for people who don’t want to admit losing but are also afraid of ongoing conflict with another person. They are the domain of the shady. If you want to fight with me, do it on my turf. Whispering in my ear that you secretly agree with me while telling the world that you don’t is grade-A fuckitude that I will not abide by.

Lived Experience Trumps Your Worldview Cobbled From TV, The Internet & Porn: If a person of colour, a woman, a queer person, a trans* person, a disabled person, or any combination thereof (ie: your favourite straw person to argue about) tells you their experiences in this world, you accept them as fact and adjust your view accordingly. You do not get to dismiss the lives of others because they do not fit your idealized version of the world. End of story, chumpface.

Offending People Sucks: Making people feel bad or upset is not the same thing as making a joke, getting a response is not the same as doing something funny. “Equal-opportunity offender” means asshole. Just say you’re an asshole. Own it or STFU.

No, We’re Not On The “Same Side,” You Are Disrespecting Me: Don’t appeal to my sense of goodwill and shared goals when your condescending, mansplaining self isn’t even bothering to process the things I am trying to say. Being an occasional ally does not make you my friend. Being half-right doesn’t make you never wrong. Threatening to pull your allyship over one argument pretty much cements that I’m right on this one.

Keep Your Gendered Nonsense To Yourself: Appeals to “logic,” saying I’m being “too emotional” or otherwise “hysterical,” “Now, now Ladies,” or any other gendered nonsense is going to get called out for the true BS it is. Your gender identity is a fiction created by cigarette ads and AMC shows. You are neither smarter, nor more logical, nor more dispassionately wise by virtue of your masculinity. My skirt does not sweep away logic and good sense. If you don’t understand that, consider googling “hysteria.”

Your Freedom Of Speech Does Not Come At The Expense of Other People: I want to send all the hardcore libertarian atheist arguing men to an island and let them fight each other to death, Lord Of The Flies-style.

Your Friendship is Not A Precious Gem: No, I will not step down “for the sake of our friendship.” Your friendship only means something if I value it. If you treat me like a child for my beliefs, the value of your friendship just dropped down to “Unpolished Turd.” Save me the effort and see yourself out. I said good day, sir!

If You Hate Feminism, Unadd Me Now: I will not tolerate your multitool of arguments that “prove” feminism is a conspiracy against men. The only conspiracy here is how the hell you got on my friends list in the first place.

Educate Your Damn Self: Don’t understand how sexism works? Google it. Read up for a couple weeks or months and get back to me. Understand that even then you have not 1/100th of the knowledge that people who experience it directly do. Appreciate that you are lucky—privileged—for this fact. Listen. Listen. Shhh—no, no talk-y—it’s Listening Time right now.

You Live In A Bubble: As much as you want to offend people, Arguing Guys are the very first to shriek off into the night about free speech, especially when everyone else agrees you’re dead wrong. Understand that as a completely non-marginalized person, you stomp around on people all day without noticing, yet also enjoy a safe, special, protected Bubble of Privilege that the world has given you and you alone. You are not “speaking truths” that “everyone else is afraid to say” you are deluded. Your world is a sham tunnel painted on a brick wall—don’t blame us when you bonk your head running towards it.

Yeah, I Am A Raging Bitch, And You Probably Can’t Take The Heat: I have at this point come to accept that every day I tick closer to another huge, disappointing argument with a guy I thought was a solid citizen. Another way to look at this is to see guys as Privilege Volcanoes, apt to erupt at any time, without warning. All you can do is keep your distance and try to avoid the fallout. I mean, sure, lava looks cool but you can’t drink beers and play video games with it.

You Are Not Alone; There Are 50 of You: You heard me. 50. So before you pout that this article is about you, understand that I have anywhere from 2-50 white dudes in a given month who feel the need to mansplain their way through thoughtful posts on such contemptible, misandrist subjects as rape culture, sexism and violence against women. So while you believe in your heart you’re a special, angry snowflake, remember that on my wall you are just one of a number and I don’t have the time.

We All Have Work To Do: Yes, I have been called out before too. I’ve fucked up before and realized that it was time for me to check my OWN privilege. I have a lot of privilege as a white woman and I work every day to be mindful of that. If you feel bad and guilty and ashamed and horrible and awful inside after asserting your opinion? There’s a good chance you’re in the wrong. There is redemption, but you gotta acknowledge that shit instead of trying to fight it away.

I’m Standing My Ground, So You Might As Well Quit: I’m never going to agree with you, for example, that “Men have it just as bad as women!” Or, “Misandry is real!” Or, “Christians are the most persecuted group in history!” Save your breath, homey. Greater minds than you have tried to “win.” You will not win. Your opinion is like a flea biting at my fat and mighty cankles. Be off with ye.

In summary, don’t fuck with Big Mama. You want to play rough with the big kids, you’re gonna get bruised. I’m not your mom, I’m not your girlfriend and I’m no gentle wallflower who will excuse any trespass against me, especially if the trespasser is “just playing Devil’s Advocate” to pass the time during a weekend away at their grandparents’ place.

To my fellow Facebook Warrior Women out there—read these statements and know you’re not alone. Unfollow, defriend and man slap freely at your own discretion. I will be here cheering you on like a perfect bitch.

49 Comments

  1. javachik
    February 10, 2014

    anne_theriault McCormCorp OMG on “the devil’s advocate” nonsense. YES YES YES YES YES YES. That shit needs to go.

  2. javachik
    February 10, 2014

    anne_theriault McCormCorp All of it was SPOT ON but I have a good friend who’s always representing opinions instead of owning them.

  3. anne_theriault
    February 10, 2014

    javachik McCormCorp “Just looking at the other side! Two sides of every story!” Augh.

  4. javachik
    February 10, 2014

    anne_theriault McCormCorp It wastes everyone’s time. And patronizes like I don’t know all of the aspects of what’s upsetting me?

  5. Superslaviswife
    February 13, 2014

    @javachik Actually, playing Devil’s Advocate is how you learn to debate and deal with real people, with real opinions, who WON’T be nice to you, give you the benefit of doubt or another chance. For example, I found this poorly written and idiotic. If she’d played along with her Devil’s Advocates a bit more, she may have been able to write a strong, sensical argument rather than a long, irritating, pointless ad-hominem.

  6. KathOMeara
    February 11, 2014

    GenShanahan Pimlids shedoesthecity That is SO funny & brilliant. Its all over folks, I probably won’t read anything as well written today

  7. kaitlinugolik
    February 11, 2014

    shedoesthecity McCormCorp Exactly what I needed after a heinous day of this yesterday!

  8. Maya_Abeille
    February 11, 2014

    thinksmrt LadySnarksalot shedoesthecity love this so much!!

  9. panzerottocrema
    February 11, 2014

    Maya_Abeille mamabook This is perfect.

  10. Maya_Abeille
    February 11, 2014

    panzerottocrema mamabook IKR!! How good.

  11. panzerottocrema
    February 11, 2014

    Maya_Abeille mamabook I can’t do ‘not engaging’. It’s just not in me. I even jump into other people’s TL arguments :-/

  12. mamabook
    February 12, 2014

    Maya_Abeille I am embracing the word “fucktitude” panzerottocrema

  13. Maya_Abeille
    February 12, 2014

    mamabook panzerottocrema I think it might have been fuckitude and I did a typo but either way, it rocks…

  14. mamabook
    February 12, 2014

    Maya_Abeille I think fucktitude is stronger… panzerottocrema

  15. KateOBrien
    February 12, 2014

    this is really, really great…except for the crack “Go back to Junior College.” that statement is actually pretty classist/racist, given the population of most two year colleges. and, as a two year college teacher myself, I can promise some pretty radical social justice education happens there.

  16. onekind
    February 12, 2014

    Maya_Abeille mamabook panzerottocrema I wish we could better distinguish between ‘being a fuckwit’ and ‘seeing the other side’.

  17. panzerottocrema
    February 12, 2014

    onekind Maya_Abeille mamabook sometimes the other side is just the wrong side. Stay on the good side.

  18. onekind
    February 12, 2014

    Maya_Abeille mamabook panzerottocrema I spend a lot of time seeing the other side of racism, for instance, in order to smack it down.

  19. Maya_Abeille
    February 12, 2014

    onekind mamabook panzerottocrema yeah I get that. But in this context I think it’s about ppl trying to insist they are “just” trying to >

  20. Maya_Abeille
    February 12, 2014

    onekind mamabook panzerottocrema get someone to see the other side; when the other side is the dominant privileged view.

  21. onekind
    February 12, 2014

    Maya_Abeille mamabook panzerottocrema Yup — obvs a tactic and *that’s* the problem, not seeing complexity, we need more of that!

  22. Maya_Abeille
    February 12, 2014

    onekind mamabook panzerottocrema and it’s actually used as an excuse to talk over marginalised ppl rather than an effort to understand.

  23. Boner
    February 12, 2014

    Hilarious article. This article is just one huge ad hominem attack. “You’re a white male, so your opinion means nothing.” Amazing logic. This is why no one takes modern feminism seriously.

  24. Boner
    February 12, 2014

    “You do not get to dismiss the lives of others because they do not fit your idealized version of the world. End of story, chumpface.” The irony in the statement in unfathomable. I’m curious if you’ve ever stopped and contemplated how quick you are to dismiss the actual lived experience of white men.

  25. White Guy
    February 12, 2014

    Ah ok, so everybody who argues with you is automatically wrong, especially if they are a white male. Gotcha.

  26. Steven
    February 12, 2014

    “The Devil Does Not Need An Advocate:”
    100 years ago, you’d be the devil in this conversation, so open your mind a little. Any ideology needs self critique to stay relevant. Once you get into the mindset of “I’m right, fuck you” you’ve already doomed yourself. The academic study of humanities is based on peer review, and you have every right to defend yourself, but with something a little more well thought out than:
     
    “Appreciate that you are lucky—privileged—for this fact. Listen. Listen. Shhh—no, no talk-y—it’s Listening Time right now”
    or 
    “In summary, don’t fuck with Big Mama.”
    Do you know how stupid you sound when you say that? I’m sure you’re a very smart person, but you SOUND like an idiot when you talk that way. Replicating the argumentative skills of a football jock doesn’t somehow put you on a higher plane, it puts you on the same level as him and makes you a hypocrite because you’re talking down to people. 

    And for the record I’m a white male who is, yes, privileged for that, by which I mean my path in life may have been more difficult if I’d been a different race or gender. I admit and accept that. I agree with feminism on many points and feel the movement would be better served if it wasn’t associated with the nonsense you’ve written in this post.

  27. April
    February 12, 2014

    I love all the White Males, STILL using their “logic” to explain how the author is wrong (and how women are somehow to blame for why people don’t take feminism seriously instead of, say, the people who choose not to educate themselves and therefore don’t take feminism seriously.) Just like it’s not POC’s responsibility to convince white people to NOT be racist, it’s not feminist women’s responsibility to convince men to NOT be sexist, or to be feminist. 

    Here y’all go again talking, talking, talking, talking. Barely hearing the message because of your need to compose rejoinders full of “logic” and to assert that your own world view trumps this woman’s experience. You make her point FOR her. And if you can’t see the irony of THAT… you, sir, are exactly who she’s talking about. 

    You can’t hear when you’re busy talking.

  28. Boner
    February 12, 2014

    See, you’re dismissing people simply based on them being white and male. I dismiss feminists and their opinions because they have bad arguments that aren’t supported by facts, they only have feelings and anecdotal stories. This whole article is just one big anecdote about her white male Facebook friends, which she uses to then generalize all white males. I don’t need feminists to tell me not to be sexist, I’m not sexist because it is illogical to judge people based on their gender. I also don’t need PoC to tell me not to be racist, I’m not racist because it is illogical to judge someone based on their race. Damn, there I go again with my oppressive “white male logic.”

  29. April
    February 12, 2014

    Boner  LOVELY NAME THERE, BONER. WHETHER YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL ARE SEXIST OR RACIST IS BESIDES THE POINT. GOOD JOB MAKING BLANKET STATEMENTS ABOUT FEMINIST IN ORDER TO SUPPORT YOUR STANCE THAT FEMINISTS ARE BAD PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY MAKE BLANKET STATEMENTS ABOUT WHITE MEN. (BOO HOO, WHITE MEN. YOUR PLIGHT ON THIS EARTH IS INDEED A CRUEL AND HARSH ONE.) 

    ALSO, LET WOMEN BE THE JUDGE OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE SEXIST, NOT YOUR OWN BIASED EGO. CHARACTERIZING FEMINISTS AS ONLY HAVING “FEELINGS” TO BACK UP THEIR ARGUMENTS IS ONE OF THE MOST SEXIST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

  30. April
    February 12, 2014

    Boner  the allcaps is not me – the reply box is doing it.

  31. Boner
    February 12, 2014

    So only women can decide who are sexist? You give authority to people based solely on their sex? Ah, ok. Also, I never said my life was hard, but you assume that my life is easy because I’m a white male. For all you know I could have lost my legs and suffer from PTSD from a tour in Iraq, but you assume my life is easy because I’m a white male. You also had to stoop to the overused and childish “male tears” crap. I did not say anything about women at all, therefore I could not have possibly said something sexist. I said something negative about feminists, which is something you CHOOSE to be. That’d be on the same level as criticizing Republicans. I respect smart women. Unfortunately the woman who wrote this article, along with the vast majority of feminists, are not smart.

  32. Dran
    February 13, 2014

    I really hope this is satire. As a woman who absolutely hates man-hating feminazi (A word for the crazies out there who think they know the definition of feminist….but obviously don’t.) BS, I truly hope this is not one of the real ones I have the misfortune to read from time to time. Love the Hypocrisy about leaving gender out of the argument, yet constantly throwing in words such as “mansplaining” and saying “Your gender identity is a fiction created by cigarette ads and AMC shows” and other unbelievably sexist and bigot comments. There are just as many man assholes out there as there are crazy bitch woman, and plenty of good on either side, as well, with both genders facing pressure and inequality. So come on! Stop the stupid gender war, already, I hate seeing any side pooling one side all into the same shitty definition. Any actual intelligence, tolerance and common sense will tell you it’s wrong to say all men or women are all alike.

  33. tresantes
    February 17, 2014

    @Dran “as a woman” lol what a joke
    (that and comparing feminists with nazis bc i dont know if you know this, but the nazis murdered six million jews, as compared to feminists.. who, y’know, haven’t killed anyone)

  34. Grand Muff
    February 13, 2014

    I take it that this is supposed to be some next/high-level über-meta satire? 

    As if it’s not PRECISELY that, then it has to be one of the most misguided, asinine pieces of wannabe sub-Paglian, gender-driven-anger-management-disorder conduits I have ever had the extreme misfortune to stumble across upon the web.

    Don’t give up your day job. I beg of you.

  35. lounsey
    February 17, 2014

    Grand Muff lol

  36. brieford
    February 13, 2014

    robbi_baker McCormCorp is that an order or an admission?

  37. robbi_baker
    February 13, 2014

    brieford McCormCorp Both!

  38. brieford
    February 13, 2014

    robbi_baker McCormCorp Good.

  39. clementine_ford
    February 16, 2014

    Maya_Abeille On a plane will read when I land! Xx

  40. clementine_ford
    February 17, 2014

    Maya_Abeille OMG BEST POST EVA.

  41. Maya_Abeille
    February 17, 2014

    clementine_ford IKR!!!

  42. crazyrex66
    February 17, 2014

    clementine_ford Maya_Abeille I would rather look at porn.

  43. ElizaCussen
    February 17, 2014

    ali_gay I said good day, sir!

  44. thegreenrat
    February 17, 2014

    clementine_ford Maya_Abeille oh wow, it’s wonderful!!

  45. jessrock35
    February 19, 2014

    margs__ shedoesthecity #preach

  46. olivia_lynne
    February 27, 2014

    Someone actually posted a status trying to start shit and promptly deleted my eloquent comment. #familyfuntimes #whyarewefriends

  47. White Male
    March 1, 2014

    Bitch needs to get laid.

  48. iaafrikan
    March 2, 2014

    iaafrikan insert the words ‘workplace’, ‘classroom’, ‘bathroom’ whatever… instead of post or FB & this can be a survival guide overall.

  49. iaafrikan
    March 2, 2014

    iaafrikan it’s actually McCormCorp for your reference folks

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