“Where do you get your confidence?”
“Bless her heart,” I have to say this in my head when women ask me this question. I take a breath and keep in mind they are not trying to be rude.
The way it sounds to me is, “Hey Fat Girl, why are YOU so confident?” But I think I know what people mean when they say it to me. What they are saying is, “Damn, you are so fat and you love great sex. You are a large woman and you talk about and write about sex constantly. How did you ever get to where you could talk about sex in a fat body?”
In our western culture, if we are living in a fat body, we are not given “permission” to be a sexual being. I mean, when is the last time you saw a fat woman as the romantic lead in a movie or TV show? You can probably count on one hand when you have seen a woman of size enjoying romance or sex of any kind in a mainstream show or movie, right? Gabourey Sibide’s scene in Empire comes to mind. Sadly, there are not many more out there – yet.
But I can assure you that people of size have lots of sex and sexually satisfying relationships, despite the lack of representation in the media. I have owned my boutique, Curvy Girl Lingerie, for the past five years and sold sex toys at home parties for ten years prior, so I have a lot of experience talking with people about their sex lives.
Hot sex happens for people of all sizes, all ages and all abilities. Where there is a will, there is a way. And just like “normies,” we also sometimes hit a little plateau and have to work to keep our boudoir sizzling.
I make my sex life a priority. I do the same thing with business or other personal needs I have. If I make it a priority, then I am intentional. Why grown adults leave their sex life to chance is beyond me. I mean, if you are over twenty-five, how many things do you leave to chance? My guess is that if you have a job, a partner, kids, life, friends, a household – you likely keep things going and organized by planning and plotting. Give your sex life as much importance as you give keeping your laundry done or your rent paid. Know what I mean? You would not leave your car payment to chance, so do not leave your sex life to chance.
Schedule a date night, even if that sounds cliche to you. Schedule time to sit down with your lover and bring your laptop to bed and browse some sex toys or lingerie online together. You do not have to buy anything. Just be intentional. Tell them, “Babe, let’s check all of these sex toys tonight and see if any of these look interesting to us.”
Put some time on your calendar to have a sexy dinner together. Buy a remote control vibe and give your lover the control at your sexy dinner. Let him or her know your idea a few weeks ahead of time so you two can talk about it leading up to the big dinner. Remember that anticipation and surprise is one of the first things that goes in a long-term relationship. So plan something you can talk about a think about for a few weeks before and after. Get each other’s engines revving.
Schedule some quiet time home alone – with no kids or interruptions – so you two can lavish each other with a non-sexual massage (of course, it can send in sex, but do some of the things you sometimes are too rushed to do every day – like foreplay). Turn off your phones. Turn on music and take turns rubbing the stress out of each other’s necks or feet. Being kind and compassionate creates that yummy oxytocin, which creates so much goodwill between partners. It’s not always about sex, but this kind of intimate touch can create trust and a sense of love that can sometimes only be spoken through contact.
Get a little kinky. Why not go to a strip club together or an adult club? Do not deny yourself these kinds of kinky events because you are a person of size. Believe me, erotic dancers and people who are in sex clubs are very open minded, and often they are exhibitionists who are just looking for a new set of eyeballs to perform in front of. So don’t be scared. Try it out.
Hot sex is for everybody and for every body! Beat the bedroom boredom, turn the lights on and have lots of hot fat sex…or as I like to call it: “SEX!”
Chrystal Bougon is a published author, blogger and sex toy expert; she’s also the founder of Curvy Girl Lingerie, which carries super-sexy lingerie in sizes 12-28, Bliss Connection, which carries a variety of sex toys, and the host of Everybody Wants Better Sex, a radio show.