Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Never getting a good night’s sleep again

You’re a Grown-Ass Woman. So why are you reading this at 4am on a worknight? You said you would go to the gym tomorrow morning. The truth is, despite sleep being scientifically the best thing in the world (“Zzzzzzzzz” – scientists), most of us seem to just plain hate it! Or so you’d think from the amount of time we spend tossing and turning and generally being awake in the dark, dark nighttime when the world is in bed and we should be snoozing instead of watching the eastern seaboard wake up on Twitter. So, not that you need any help, but here are my top tips for joining me on the Insomnia Express—the conductor is dark circles!

Latte, Rinse, Repeat

Don’t you just loooooove caffeine? You sure do. Coffees, red bulls, chocolate, sodas, teas, candy, hooooo boy. There are just so many ways to enjoy a quick and pain-free pick me up! The best part about caffeine is that you need it when you haven’t been sleeping, but it also actively contributes to sleep deprivation by keeping your body awake and buzzing until all hours of the night! More like horizontal integration, am I right? Try it after 4pm for some added “why god why can’t I sleep, please just one precious hour, I’ll do anything, I’m sorry I shoplifted that lipsmackers in Grade 5, forgive me.”

What if

“What if” is a fun game to play instead of sleeping, and it can last for literal hours. What if you had gone to Europe with that guy? What if you got a very short haircut and everyone loved it? What if you quit your job tomorrow and became a box-car ridin’ hobo? What if a hand reached up from under the bed and grabbed your ankle right now? WHAT IF THAT HAND THING FOREVER.

Do away with your A/C

A fun way to never get a restful sleep again is to make sure you are always too hot and/or cold to really get into a good REM zone (zone? Is that the term? Can you get into a REM zone? “Zzzzzzzz” – scientists). Cold is a bit trickier, because sometimes there truly is nothing nicer than snuggling up under a warm duvet when your room is wintry cool, but if you get subzero enough about it you’ll be kept up by the clattering of teeth-on-teeth, not to worry.

Remember sharks

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Say no to nightgowns

Once, in university, I was travelling with a group of girls and one of them stopped as we were unpacking in our hostel to make an announcement: “Okay, guys, I’m just going to tell you now so it’s not a big deal. Just so no one’s weirded out.” What was she going to say? “I have a tail”? “I have sexsomnia?” “My suitcase is full of wigs and nothing else”?? She looked at us timidly and said, “I wear a nightgown.” Oh, my sweet Anne! Great secret. Probably the best secret of all time. I don’ t know how she thought we were going to react, but we played it REALLY cool and did NOT make a big deal about it, even though inside we were like “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” … JK, inside we were like, “Ah.” But it turns out Anne is a genius because actually nightgowns are the dream sleeping garment (aside from no sleeping garments which is the ideal, doy-oy-oy). Don’t wear one if you want to be uncomfortably awake all night with a seam up your crotch. 

Put a lot of concentrated, glowing light on your face

Sure, the lights are out and the curtains are drawn, you’ve done some mindful meditation and the soothing nature sounds are playing, buuuuut whaaaaaatttt’s happppening on Twiiiittterrrrrrr? Facebook? Instagram? You should check. You should probably have a quick check. Feel free also to grab your phone and google your ex. Save a bunch of tweets in your draft folder to unleash at “high volume” hours (#yikes) or consider Instagraming a series of cute sleeping selfies. Spend as much time with that little screen shining mixed signals into your eyes as possible, then shut it off, prepared fully to sleep. Check again in three minutes. 

Remember, guys: You can sleep when you’re dead. Also, if you’re ever stuck for ways to keep sleep at bay, remember how you’re going to die one day and it probably feels a lot like going to sleep and just staying that way, forever! Also: what about the concept of forever, hey? Niiiiiiiighhhht!

Follow Monica on Twitter: @monicaheisey

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