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An imperfect life guide for women
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Guys Talk: The Butthole Edition

THE QUESTION:
My boyfriend watches a lot of porn, and mentioned to me in passing that bleached anuses look a lot better on girls than au naturel. Is anal bleaching regular practice in your experience? Does it make a big difference? Do you think it makes girls look better, or too much like a porn star?

THE FORUM:
Rusty Dust: Let it be known: the only thing my woman should be bleaching is my collection of fine Egyptian cotton shirts.
What ever happened to the good old days, anyway? I get horny as shit every time I watch 70’s porn stars with big old healthy undergrowth. And now I learn that it is this very industry that is to blame for this outlandish practice of rectal Javexing.

All I can hope is that the mighty wheel of porn fads will circle round, and both women AND men will stop worrying so much what their shitholes look like. Dirty sex is the best sex. It’s messy, ugly and stinky. Let’s keep it that way.

McFly: I’m worried about 90210 girls. There was a time, not so long ago, when I remember the girls around me regurgitating lines and actions from Sex and the City like gospel. At the time, it was nauseating but in retrospect I’ve gotta hand it to those 4 neurotic, nymphomatic and sociopathic women for having some self-respect. Fast-forward a few years and the pervasion of LA and Vegas into mass-culture has left us in a reality TV era where the best example of a woman with some ambition and respect is Whitney fucking Port. Even more disturbing is that I’m not gay, and yet I’ve been “privy” to more than a couple sessions where my female friends have sat around and talked about how they hate that they have the Stevie-Wonder-Braille nipps, or that their vags look like day-old deli meat, or that their knees look like Jabba-the-Hut’s face. What I want to know is what happened to all the good girls? You know … the simple girls, with the brown assholes. Have they been so corrupted by the Lauren Conrads, Kendra Wilkinsons and Jenna Jamesons that they can’t see a world without plastic vaginas, and assholes whiter than their teeth? Say it ain’t so. Call me old fashioned, but there’s something about the realism of knowing that the girl I’m fucking eats, breathes and takes shits just like I do occasionally, that attracts me to her.

The Folksman: I’m not really into butt stuff to be honest. But I guess if I were in a life-or-death scenario where I had to ass-fuck a girl at gunpoint or be killed myself, I’d probably go with the option that looks least like an asshole. Bleached it is. However, if Mrs. Right really wants to take the fast lane to my heart, she should put aside her anal-bleach money and buy me something nice – like alcohol or guitars.

Al Batrosse: Oh porn, is there anything that you don’t know? Does the porn industry have a tie-in to anal bleaching products? I cannot but ponder on how people may feel that they are behind on anal bleaching.

Van Stanley: I’m thinking that if a guy is really into that specific region, well then he shouldn’t be too picky about how things turn out. But I suppose, an anal bleaching (I feel dirty typing those words) would be appreciated if he is spending any serious amount of time round back.

The Hitman: I have trouble figuring out if my girlfriend’s done something different with her hair. How the fuck do you expect me to keep track of the colour of her asshole?

I’ve watched a ton of porn in my life and I can’t tell you that I’ve ever stopped to say “Hey, something looks super different here…” This is simply a matter of personal preference. If it’s really something that your boyfriend is pushing for, you should probably be questioning why he’s looking so deeply into your butthole.

I mean seriously, that’s fucking weird.

Jensen: I don’t have sex outside in broad daylight. Nor do I have sex with a 12-watt light-bulb blaring up her schvinkter. Nor am I typically granted a gazing period between her legs. What I’m getting at is that sex is a clumsy affair often relegated to the pitch-black (or dimly lit) world of total inebriation and egregious decision-making; not the zoomed-in, maximally-vivid porn world of bleached anuses and money shots. So yeah: a bleached anus is nice. But know what’s also nice? Sucking us off after sex, or welcoming a shot-glass worth of semen on your face, or making sex a one-sided affair meant to please us and us only. Not gonna happen though, right? I don’t blame you. Porn isn’t real sex; so don’t worry about bleaching your anus.

Leave It To Beaver: If you’re a girl with some sexual experience or one who hangs out with a lot of guys who speak openly around you, then you have probably come to the realization that having things around or in your butt turns us on. Perhaps it is the taboo act placing our “unmentionables” into a part of the body that was designed to push things out – that’s right, fuck you, Mother Nature.

I was first exposed to the practice of anal bleaching on the hit TV show Californication, when David Duchoveny’s agent pays for the porn star he’s representing to have her anus bleached. In my personal opinion this is a practice that should only lend itself to women who are being filmed by high-definition cameras lens to lens, so to speak. It may in fact make the anus look more appealing by disassociating it with what comes out, but I assure you this is in fact not a natural look. The varied coloration of the anus is part of what makes the act of anal sex so tantalizingly different.

If your boyfriend happens to remark at the pigment of your brownhole, remind him that they don’t call it a brown belt for nothing. Remember everyone although men are visually stimulated there is a reason God put our eyes 3 feet away from where we pee, poo and have traditional sex.

11 comments
Sitting on shaft
Sitting on shaft

From my experiences.....sitting on shaft I prefer it with a bleached ass. Less mess and more fun for all 5 of us....you know how I do....Thats of course unless Dirty Sanchez is invited to party, and then damn all bets be off.