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Guys Talk Toothbrushes

THE QUESTION:

“So I’m sleeping with this guy on the regular and have been doing so for a few months. We’re not really ‘dating’ per se, though that’s what I tell my mother. We’re mostly just hooking up. He stays over a few nights a week and I’m getting seriously sick of his stale beer breath in the morning. I was going to offer him a spare toothbrush but my guy friends say that is too domesticated and high-commitment…seriously? Are men that easy to scare off? True or false, guys?”

THE FORUM:

The Hitman: Sounds like your guy friends have read one too many Maxim magazines.

I really don’t see an issue here; you’re not exactly offering the guy a promise ring. If you guys are really only “hooking up,” then there’s no reason that you should have put up with his stinky ass breath. That’s something a girlfriend does, not a sex buddy.

Besides, he should be thankful – him doing you this little favour is going to result in him getting laid more often and what guy wouldn’t be happy about that?

Al Batrosse: This is a gift and therefore flattering. Believe me, it is nice to be considered worthy of any gift. A brief suggestion about giving: The best way to give a gift to anyone is to present it nicely and say, “It is nothing, don’t even think about it.”

Freddy Jupiter: Let’s run down the facts.

1. You’re “seeing” a guy for months but not dating.

2. Your biggest complaint is his breath.

3. You chat with your mom about this boy.

Now let me translate these facts for you from a man’s point of view.

1. You’re a booty call.

2. Be happy the worst bodily function you experience is his breath.

3. Don’t ever tell him you discuss him with your mom.

Conclusion: Toothbrushes are for boyfriends, mouthwash is for boys that you sleep with. Oh, and original Listerine is gross, buy one that tastes good.

Valmont: If I was regularly staying over at a girl’s house, I’d greatly appreciate a toothbrush… and McDonald’s hotcakes and sausage in the morning… and maybe my own bathrobe, but I digress. If you’re not dating after all that time then you probably won’t ever be. A guy is not going to wake up three months in and realize that he wants more than to get laid. Assuming this to be correct, whether or not he’ll run away will end up being a question of your delivery. You can get all real talk and tell him that the sex is well and good but that you stopped putting up with foul smells when the garbage strike ended, or you can show him the matching toothbrushes you bought with your names on them and hope for the best.

Van Stanley: Double True. It really depends on where you want to go with the ‘relationship’. If you want to get serious and you’ve been hooking up for a while now, then drop a Colgate bomb on him and see how he reacts. If he gets all weirded out then good riddance. If not, then you’ve sneakily roped him in, and he won’t be able to escape your kung-fu grip of love.

On the other hand, if you want to keep your whoopie casual then your best bet is just to tell him that his breath smells like rotten PBR. If you are giving him no-strings love, he won’t fuck with that. Just tell him to get a toothbrush for your place… if he is any sort of man, he’ll take it for what it is. Which is nothing, right? Here, I’ll make it really easy for you:

You: Hey, Cornelius.

Cornelius: Sup, Baby Doll?

You: Your morning breath is rather whack, could you get a toothbrush for when you stay over?

Cornelius: What?

You: I think you are the cat’s pajamas and would like to continue having casual sex with you, I just don’t like bad breath.

Cornelius: No problem, want me to make some pancakes?

Perfect. He knows exactly what’s up and will likely take the situation for exactly what it it is. YOU, on the other hand get some delicious pancakes out of the deal.

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