This morning, I deleted my Instagram. It’s not that I’m spending too much time daydreaming about food porn or lol’ing over Drake memes; I deleted it because I’m not at Miami Art Basel this weekend.

Every year, in the wake of Toronto’s most unpredictable weather forecast of non-committal snowfall and make-up smearing rain, Miami Art Basel crashes my photo feed. For 13 years, cliques of high society VIP, industry no-names, bandwagon luxury brands, cool rappers, famous pets, hype artists and hipsters join hands in the first week of December, to party; and see art and stuff.

Somewhere between Biscayne Bay and the Atlantic Ocean, this contemporary art trade show has become the Cézanne of the Sotheby’s auction. In other words, the most impressive excuse to party like it’s 1999 – or 2002, when the first Miami Art Basel started and Britney Spears belted one-hit wonders in the movie Crossroads. Since then, the invites have changed, and the party has super-sized.

To remedy my Seasonal Envy Disorder, I’m venting my resentment into a list of all the things I would kill to see at Miami Art Basil if I wasn’t broke and eating Pizza Pops at my computer right now. So grab your bag of all-dressed chips, wear your onesie and pretend (just for a second) that you’re going to Miami – because this is your long-distance must-see-through-other-people Miami Art Basel events, performances and art that’s happening right… now.

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Pre-Release Screening of Tim Burton’s Big Eyes

A.K.A. Where you won’t be on Friday: 8:30 p.m.

In 1950, before Jay-Z had 99 problems and Frank Sinatra was the Kanye West of the television, Walter Keane became famous for paintings he didn’t actually paint –Tim Burton created a movie about it. And what better way to enjoy a pre-screen movie release than sitting down in a pink inflatable chair, on fake grass, watching a 7,000 square foot projection?

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Ryan McNamara, “ME3M Miami”

Imagine what the Internet would look like as a choreographed ballet. New York-based artist Ryan McNamara takes the audience into a world of A.D.D. performance art; A vortex of broken rap hits, chandeliers and flying chairs. It’s basically like watching Disney’s Fantasia, on ecstasy.

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FKA Twigs (Thursday), James Blake (Friday) and SBTRCT (Saturday)

Beyond this boss headline of a subtitle, there’s really not much to add here. Except I’m jealous, and FOMO is real.

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Other reasons to be jealous, and feel angry, and eat more chips:

  • The limited edition skateboards from Takashi Murakami, Jeff Koons, John Baldessari, Christopher Wool and Richard Prince featured at Art Markit
  • Smell the magic of the 416 talent with Canadian painter Kris Knight and his eerie male portraits. Gucci was so inspired by them, they even created a men’s fashion line.
  • Teaming up with Pharrell Williams, Daniel Arsham turns the non-profit space Locust Projects into an apocalyptic construction site of sculpture, filled with VHS tapes, keyboards and modern society’s most prized gadgets.
  • Take a break from the weekend of booze with a temporary escape into hypnoses with Pedro Reyes and his Sanatorium, a welcoming group of trained therapists for some good, old-fashioned healing.
  • Miley Cyrus – omg, Miley Cyrus.