My Best Friend’s Wedding in 9 Emotional Stages

This holiday past, no less than three of my friends put an engagement ring on it, including my bestie. In fact, most of my closest pals are either hitched, planning upcoming nuptials, or shacking up with their long-time partner.

Here are the nine thoughts you’ll have following your BFF’s engagement, from a perpetual third wheel.

  1. YAY! Cue squeals, giddy laughter, and much jumping-in-place. You morph into a starving wild dog, salivating at every morsel of juicy detail of the proposal, the rock on her finger, and The Plan for The Big Day.
  2. So, this is seriously forever, like till-death-do-us-part kind of eternal. You know, filing a joint tax return and swapping out club night with board game night.
  3. “Wait, am I losing my best friend?” you’ll wonder. “Does this mean her life is going to be all about him now? And who is this guy, really, to make him worthy of her happily-ever-after?” You’ll trawl his social media profiles, playing judge, jury and executioner, to make sure he is indeed a deserving match for your girl.
  4. “Am I going to be the third wheel? Will they only hang out with other couples now?” Jealousy, or something resembling it, ensues. Remember how you felt when your best friend in fourth grade had her first kiss with tongue before you did? That monster resurfaces full throttle, in all its green-eyed glory.
  5. “I’m going to die alone.”
  6. Frantically, you skim the contacts in your phone, looking out for keywords like, “Brad Nice Buns” or “Sexy Wesley.” Spruce up your online dating profile and set up a meeting with that pesky boring dude that you’d be fine to settle down with for a passion-less life. Drink too much Pinot Grigio and text your ex with whom you made a pact to marry if you were both still single by a certain age.
  7. At the bachelorette, with junk in sparkly thongs writhing in the bride’s face: Who would want to give up this smorgasbord of eligible hotties so soon? Maybe you’re the lucky single one after all.
  8. At the ceremony: Pride swells inside you and drips out like maple syrup from a tapped tree trunk. Your bestie could give Kate Middleton a run for her money in that dress. And don’t they just seem so in love?
  9. Your faith in that true everlasting big kind of love is fortified.

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