You know what I’m not going to miss about being pregnant? Not being able to properly lean over my bathroom sink. My belly gets in the way. Whenever I wash my face or brush my teeth I end up with water and toothpaste all over my shirt. So annoying!

When I’m not busy smearing toothpaste on myself, I’m working on my birth plan. Yes, a birth plan. This was not my idea. Yes, I like to plan things and usually have a to-do list or 10 going, but it never occurred to me to write one for the big D-Day. However, we were told it’s a good idea in our pre-natal class, and every single book I’ve read stresses the importance of having one. Personally, I think it just sets you up for inevitable disappointment. I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

But hey, when in Rome…

My Birth Plan

Otherwise known as: ‘My Desperate Attempt to Control an Uncontrollable Situation.’

Dear staff, students and volunteers of Mt. Sinai Hospital,

Thank you for being a part of this very special time in my life. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any whining, complaining, bitching, yelling, screaming, cursing, object-hurling, vomit-spewing and head-spinning you may witness in my presence. Under normal circumstances, my temperament tends to run along that of a sweet, caring, dog-loving, cookie-baking woman who hopes to one day, end world hunger. However, these are not normal circumstances. I will be forever grateful for your never-ending patience and hard work to make this experience as smooth and memorable as possible. I realize that birth is a dynamic process and that despite our best intentions, it can be unpredictable. Below are some of my preferences for labour and delivery. Of course, my baby’s health is top priority and steps/procedures/interventions to ensure it must always take precedence over any of the following:

• Drugs? Yes please! (epidural)
• Too late for drugs? I will not be held responsible for anything I say, do or throw.
• I’m going to be a sweaty, cranky, exhausted mess. No need to capture it for posterity. Besides, at this point, even Annie Leibovitz couldn’t find my good side. Please no mirrors, camcorders or cameras. Except for the official first family photo after the baby has been checked, bathed and wrapped.
• No visitors please. Until the drugs wear off and someone brings me some coffee and a paper bag to put over my head (partner + immediate family excluded).
• During the actual delivery, the only person I would like to see in the delivery room is my partner.
• Despite desperately wanting my baby out of my body, I now am not ready to part with him even for a second. Assuming the baby is healthy and the delivery uncomplicated, I would like immediate skin-to-skin contact as soon as he is delivered.
• I would like to avoid an episiotomy. Please take all steps necessary to try and avoid this procedure if possible.
• If, however, it is required, I would like a doctor to do the stitching please. Not a student or resident.
• I work in advertising and am the first to admit scare tactics work like a charm: we have decided to bank our baby’s cord blood. Please ask me about the special banking kit.
• I would like to try and breastfeed my baby as soon as possible.
• Please do not feed my baby formula, sugar water or anything other than my breast milk. But if you feel compelled to change his diaper, knock yourselves out.
• I am an extroverted people-person, but my insurance covers a semi-private room and therefore, if there is one available I would prefer it to a ward room.

Thank you.