New Year’s Resolutions for Neurotics

Shauna is our 25-year-old writer in a state of quarter-life crisis. She’s a full-time nanny and a part-time comedian, but trust us: she’s always funny.

Since seeking professional counseling is expensive and time-consuming, I’m just going to mind-barf my thought-feelings at you guys instead! Here are all the things I hope to start/stop/change/keep doing in 2013:

1. Continue to exercise and eat well because it makes me feel nice, and not because I’m obsessed with looking like an anorexic Russian teen model.

2. Stop being obsessed with looking like an anorexic Russian teen model.

3. Read from a book that is made of paper for one hour every day. (Note: staring at the page and silently panicking about my finances while holding an open book does not count as reading.)

4. Sex.

5. Falling in love again would be cool, but whatever.

6. Keep in mind that sex =/= love, which is totally fine, but is nonetheless an important distinction.

7. Understand that the sense I have that I could be doing more and/or better is eternal and essential. Learn to embrace it.

8. Never discuss “learning to embrace” anything in a professional writing capacity ever again.

9. Continue to make to-do/to-be/to-make lists, because they are like wringing hands for my brain-sponge (it’s a good thing), but also consider making regular lists of all the things I have already accomplished. Read over these lists in times of stress or dejection, and see if it works as a way to quantify the act of giving myself some goddamn credit sometimes.

10. Know that overdrafts and bank fees and interest charges will not matter in six months or 20 years or after I am dead. I will muddle through the mean times and celebrate after. These are rites of passage, and I am grown and will rejoice, using the shackles I have thrown off as maracas!

11. But seriously, maybe get a little bit better at budgeting.

12. Stop saying things like, “STOP IT,” and, “COME ON, MAN,” to inanimate objects.

13. Stop starting sentences with, “This one time, my ex-boyfriend and I…”

14. Every time I feel like opening Facebook on my phone, I will instead close my eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine the arc of a hawk in flight as it passes in front of the sun on a cloudless day in winter.

15. Draw one comic every week! Hey, here’s a shameless plug and a way to force myself to actually do this: Check brick-feet.blogspot.ca every Sunday and I promise there will be something funny and silly and probably involving people who look like they are made of potatoes for you to look at.

16. Stop comparing my inside-feelings to other people’s outside-talkings.

17. I guess I could get better at Twitter. SIGH.

18. Coffee is not water, and red wine is not supposed to be used as a muscle relaxant.

19. Learn to take a compliment. Ex: Do not respond to someone saying, “You have nice eyes,” with: “Do you want them?” followed by a mimed scooping-out-of-sockets action. It is not appropriate.

20. Calm down, grrl. It’s goin’ good.

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