Resolutions were made to be broken

After the bubbly had spilled and the vomit had dried I woke up and thought “I’m too old for this”. Actually, it was more like “Where am I? Why does my hip hurt? I need waaaater.” And then 2 minutes later: “Dear god, do I EVER remember New Years? How old am I?” But such is the way with New Years, no? Just as Halloween is the one holiday where sluttiness is not only sanctified but expected, New Years may as well be renamed “Wear Sequins. Vomit Prosecco.” But unlike Halloween, St. Patty’s and May 2-4 (aka Victoria Day), New Years comes with a conscience. Upon stumbling home, inhaling a box of Kraft Dinner and having an obligatory New Years Day nap I felt ready to tackle 2009. You see, in my 22 years of life I have never made a New Years resolution. ‘What for?’ I had always thought. I was able to drag myself to the gym more than most, didn’t smoke and hadn’t yet begun to view my drinking as problematic (perhaps that was a problem). Far from perfect, I’ve always been aware that there are things I could improve upon but preferred rather, to change throughout the year, far beneath everyone’s resolution radar. This year, I resolved to make resolutions. In 2009, my somewhat ridiculous, mildly outlandish behaviour would become accountable and hopefully, open to change. I bet you think I will outline them for you in this article, don’t you? Ha. I said accountable, not set in stone. While I did write them down (a first!), I will do something completely out of character and keep them to myself. (Ok, I’ll give you a hint: One is to stop babbling about personal problems to anyone who’ll listen… but moving on).  

In an effort to help friends and strangers alike, I chose to outline some resolutions for others in a sort of pseudo advice column that no one has yet asked for help. Hey, I never promised to stop babbling about others’ personal problems…! 

From me to you, with xoxo. 

For the girl who settles down just in time for the rug to be pulled out: Learn from the past and let them in earlier. Relationships are really a series of compromises between two people who are comfortable enough to try anal sex.

For those who have never been in a relationship and feel left out: While you don’t know what you’re missing, I can tell you that when you finally let someone into your life you’ll be better off. In the words of Journey, don’t stop believing. When you find that person, don’t settle for anything less than awesome.

For those guys who thought university was better spent developing bro-mances and a vast list of one night stands: You are probably bad in bed. Resolve to lower your neurotically high standards and actually date someone long enough to make eye contact between your thrusts. News flash: relationships mean regular GOOD sex.

For those who think their heart will never mend: It will, I promise, it just won’t be the same. In the mean time, stay away from sharp objects and bottles of Tylenol. And when it cleaves together again, be choosy with who you give it to. Remind yourself that you deserve the best. As for the ex, take the high road. Trust me.

For those who are terrified to risk it all and try something new: You only learn about yourself when you put yourself out there. Take that trip, join that club, say hi to that hot boy at the party, ask for the raise. Coming from the person who probably thinks too much about what others might think of her, I too am working on this one. The scariest part of any decision is just before you make it. We are more cat-like than we think; we all land on our feet after even the highest of jumps. If you can’t do it alone, bring a wing man. Chances are you won’t need her for long.

For those who think they have it all: Maybe you do, you bastard. Eat your veggies, drink your water, run your laps. Be nice to your waitress, your cab driver and your parents.

For those who resolved to change in 2008 and didn’t: Not to worry. Resolutions were made to be broken.

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