You’re a grown-ass woman in a relationship with a grown-ass man. One day, you wake up, pick up your phone to give your partner his daily wakeup call, and realize that something’s gone terribly wrong. You’re no longer a girlfriend. You’ve become a Google Calendar Sex Mom (GCSM). You are now providing him with all the food, love, validation, tidying, and general mom-ness of a mom, plus keeping track of all his shit, secretary-style, plus boning.
How could this have happened? It started so innocently! He said he wanted to smoke less weed, you asked if there was anything you could do to help, and the next thing you know, you’re responsible for all his responsibilities (plus blowjobs).
As a recovering GCSM myself, I know your pain all too well. And so here I would like to present some of the signs that you too may be a Google Calendar Sex Mom:
- When your partner is staying over at your place, you cook his favourite foods and make sure you have his favourite snacks and drinks available. When you stay over at his place, he just “hasn’t been grocery shopping in a while.” “A while” can be defined as the duration of a relationship lasting one year or longer.
- When you are getting brunch after the first time you have slept together (the sex was at his place, so there was no food to be had there), you say, “Oh, let me get my half.” He proudly responds that “any girl who won’t split with me goes in the trash.”
- Your partner requires daily reminders to eat and stretch. Though you feel vaguely awkward and uncomfortable delivering them, you continue to, despite the fact that your partner rarely responds.
- You find yourself reminding your partner of things he expressed a desire to do, yet never gets around to, such as making doctor’s appointments and taking his anti-depressants. He seems vaguely resentful of this, but tells you he wants you to continue when you ask if you can stop. Your voice begins to sound more and more like a Google Alert, even to your own ears.
- He refuses to give you oral sex because it is in violation of some unspecified “standards” of his; however, he informs you generously that you may continue to suck his cock. You do. You find yourself relating more and more strongly to Carly Simon songs.
- Over the course of your relationship, you give your partner gifts for Christmas, his birthday, Valentine’s Day, and “just because.” Your partner often states that he is going to give you a gift, but when significant dates arrive, he says, “I’m sorry baby. I’m just bad at presents.” He then expresses his guilt by pouting while you comfort him.
- While you have memorized his many dietary requirements and limitations, he is incapable of remembering that you are a vegetarian.
- Despite having never given you an orgasm, he desperately reaches for compliments on his sexual prowess, mostly by giving them to himself and waiting for you to agree. “The D is so bomb,” he declares after giving you a detailed description of his own penis, which you have in fact seen, frequently, at eye level.
- When reminiscing about former partners, he tells you that his favourite thing about his last girlfriend was that she would clean his room for him. He stares at you pointedly as he says this. Later, you realize that you are collecting his trash and throwing it out for him. You may feel a slight sense of nausea at this point, but the cleaning continues.
- When asked why he never initiates contact with you and only sporadically responds, he says, “It’s not that I don’t think about you, baby, it’s just that when I do, it’s just a nice thought and then I do something else!”
- He doesn’t want you to post any evidence of your relationship on Facebook, because he doesn’t want his actual mom to find out about it. He’s 27.
If you recognize these signs, or suspect you are a Google Calendar Sex Mom, remember, it’s not too late. You too can stop boning the dude you’re starting to feel weirdly maternal towards.
Remember—real kids actually grow up eventually, and this guy never will.