Some people spend the holidays eating chocolate. Others get laid. PartyPam's guide to sexual conquest.

What is it about the holiday season?  So full of cheer.  Cheer and libido.  Around every mistletoe’d corner is another set of bedroom eyes, around every punch bowl of nog a group of wiggling brows.  What’s a girl to do?

When an extended courtship with an impossible man came to a tragic close, punctuated by a double dose of stupidity-induced self injury and framed by hours-long weeping-in-the-bathtub, lovers-in-love-movie montages screened on my eyelids several times daily, it became clear to me that it was time to move on.  No one spends the holidays in their bathtub, I said to myself.  People spend time with people during this time of festive high spirits.  And boy did I ever spend time with people.  Cough cough wink wink cough ohhh yeah.

My sister said that I should look at December as the holiday episode of my sex life.  I thought, “Why not?”  Who doesn’t want to think about their life as a TV show?  Not me.  I don’t not want to do that.

Please find below the steps I followed in preparation for my holiday role.  Let’s call her Party Pam.  Just your average girl looking to fill her days with adventure and her nights with wild and crazy sex.  A penchant for midday brunching and an insatiable appetite for cultural texts make Pam a real classy gal to have on your cocktail party’s guest list, but she also knows how to get down on the d-floor.  Woohoo….

1. Sit really close to people.  Whether or not you have “big plans for them later”.  Take care to register when people become uncomfortable with your proximity to them.  Most of the time people don’t get enough physical contact, so they’ll either think you didn’t notice you were draping yourself over them, or they’ll really really dig how many times your elbows bump into one another.  Sling your arm around your nearest friend, man or woman.  Everybody likes feeling like they could get a surprise attack hug at any moment in time.  Also, sitting in this power stance allows you to put the moves on someone mere seconds after deciding you’re going to put the moves on them.  Knees touching are also a classic way to say “I wanna fuck you.  Later.”

2. Disappear for calculated periods of time. When people ask you where you went/where you’re going, just giggle and move your eyebrows around.  More giggling=more mystery.  If you’re feeling extra cheeky, wink.  If you’re feeling triple cheeky, invite them along and change course from nowhere to somewhere secluded and hilarious.  The laundry room?  Go-karting?

3. If you’re in a place where dancing is the activity at hand, dance with extra emphasis. Swing your arms around, twirl, dip someone or encourage them to dip you.  Wear a flowing skirt that swishes when your butt twitches, or flashy dancing shoes so people know you’re for real.  Wave others onto the dance floor, get the DJ to play “your jam” but don’t tell anyone it’s yours, and then whip their asses by knowing when to do all the right movies.  Rehearsing for these numbers while your nails dry is a great way to avoid watching the Barbara Streisand movie you have on, and it’ll really boost your credibility.  The sexy application of dancing is obvious, so I won’t belittle you by spelling it out.

If you’re in a place where dancing is not the activity at hand, push everything in your path to the side of the room and turn the music way, way up.  The initial anger you may encounter will subside faster based on your music selection, so come prepared.  This is a real life application of a mathematical equation.  It’s what your teachers said would happen!

4. Remember names and use them as frequently as acceptable. “Oh hi Bryan, how was your day, Bryan?  What are your plans later, Bryyyyyaannnn?” is not an acceptable application.  It is a scientific fact that the more often someone hears their name, the more they like the person saying it.  My dad told me, and I know he knows science.  What is the sexy application of knowing someone’s name?  I bet that fact about the person liking you more the more you say it can work backwards, too, especially in the sack.

5. Bring treats wherever you go.  Bake a million cookies and put them in tiny bags to pop in your purse and cure your friends of crankiness or hunger.  Steal the cookies from your mom/resident cookie guru if your skills haven’t made it into the kitchen yet.  Even if you’re all going bowling, you can still treat your friends to hot dogs or something.  The sexy application of this particular food is obvious, and definitely skanky.  So don’t do it.  Or if you have to, don’t be 100% skanky about it.  Wink or something and say, “I’m not a skank, I swear.”  But don’t say that, say something smart.

6. Wear an apron while you cook.  People’s reaction to this, 100% of the time, is laughter or ridicule.  Do not let this affect you.  Do not laugh back.  Do not concede that you look like a fool.  Tell them it’s much more convenient than their crazy tea towel on the back of a chair idea if you absolutely have to.  Because secretly they want to wear an apron, too.  Wearing an apron shows that you’ve cooked more than twice, have probably tried baking, and have a range of skills that could potentially benefit them.  Just flash them a two parts superiority, one part anger, four parts benevolence look.  Or as my grandmother says, kill them with kindness.

7. The way to anyone’s heart is so often through their stomach.  It’s not just a line you’ve heard in movies/from really old people.  Ask about what your man/lady likes to eat, and make it for them.  Sexy application time!  Wear less clothing than you usually would under your apron, cook in the dead of night, and seat them at an opportune angle to you while you wiggle your tush and make adorable noises/hum while you prepare their tasty treat.  Next, dine together.  You can spice eating up with pepper or cayenne (ha), or by having a picnic in some crazy location, or blanket fort.  Try a picnic on your special guest’s body and see what they have to say about that.  Prrrr.

Each of these steps is a gift you can give another person.  And while it’s better to give than it is to receive, I can bet a little bit of both will be happening as the hours wear on…

Party on… ~ Pam

Sexy apron available at ReDivine on Etsy

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