“So I got together with this guy last week, and I told him ‘let’s fuck.’ Instead, he bent me over the bed and spanked me fifty times and then walked me home. What am I supposed to think about this?”
THE ANSWERS FROM THE FORUM
Al Batrosse: Jayne County wrote a song called “If You Don’t Wanna Fuck Me Baby, Fuck Off.” If you like the guy enough to have a walk home with him is he therefore a meaningful person to you? Or is he just a douche who doesn’t listen? Either way, proper guy etiquette is for him to contact you and explain his wicked ways. If he doesn’t articulate it for you, you know how the song ends.
Valmont: I’m inclined to say that this man’s a genius. He treated you like an object and yet was a total gentleman. And you liked it. Maybe not immensely, but it was enough of a change from the usual ‘5 minute missionary only to collapse heaving on top of you’ fuck to leave you intrigued. If I’m wrong, then don’t call him and you’ve got a story for girls’ night. If I’m right, give it another shot.
Frank LeBaron: Have you ever had one of those days where things just don’t work out? Your alarm doesn’t go off, you’re late for work, you miss your lunch because your co-worker Brian didn’t hand in the status report, you spill your coffee on your brand new shirt, then you get in an accident on the commute home? We’ve all had those days. Maybe this guy had that kind of day. Maybe he had a way worse day, or at least I hope his excuse runs something like that.
All this to say sometimes you just gotta let things sliiiiidddde. I would love to hear his opener on the call a few days later. “Hey, there, I had a great time spanking you, and would love to take you out again. I just bought this new ping-pong paddle…” Hopefully this doesn’t happen again (or at least without some release on your side), and we can chock this up to just a rough day at the park. If it does happen again you need to run on over to my house, and I’ll fix you up good…
Jensen: This is a uniquely bizarre situation, one which I have no confident answer for. My only hypothesis is that he’s gay. There’s no carnal gratification from slapping a girls ass repeatedly, independent of actual sex. I’m all for staying loyal to your own sexual preferences or desires, but this is a case that defies sexual instinct, which is to actually have sex in some way. Unless he can ejaculate simply from slapping a girls ass 50 fucking times, I don’t see how a straight guy can refuse sex from a woman in favour of ass-slapping.
So yeah, I don’t know if you should bring him home to mom.
Oh, and why didn’t you ask after, let’s say, the 30th or 40th slap, “hey man, what the fuck is going on?”
The Doctor: First off, I want to commend you for your aggressive "let’s fuck." Crude? Maybe. Effective? Definitely. Your guy’s response is about the weirdest I’ve ever heard. FIFTY TIMES!? That must have been one hell of an awkward and painful walk home. Drugs/alcohol can make people do crazy things, but that’s about the only scenario I can think of where this makes some sense. May he’s into S&M? If I were you, I’d avoid this guy, Unless of course, you’re looking for a good spankin’.