Stressing me out right now: BED BUGS

My leather goods are currently in a bag in the freezer. Two bags, in fact. You can’t be too careful.

Baby got bed bugs. They’re THE WORST. I’ve spent the last week or two in a haze of laundry and rubbing alcohol and frantic calls to Avery, my confusingly handsome exterminator who is probably very bored of fielding calls that go something like “I FOUND SOMETHING. EVEN THOUGH YOU SPRAYED. I CAN’T BELIEVE TH– wait, it’s a seed. It’s a seed, Avery. Don’t worry. Just a seed. Okay, goodnight. Miss you.”

Since waking up over ten days ago with my hands covered in itchy, gross welts, I have been a woman gone mad. I am Lord Rochester’s secret attic wife, always banging about upstairs at weird hours, babbling to myself, switching all the lights on and overturning furniture. I am Dexter, shuffling tightly knotted garbage bags to my car with shifty eyes, hoping the neighbours don’t notice, scanning my sheets for blood. But mostly I am that whiny friend who won’t stop talking about bed bugs and it is getting old. 

There is a wealth of information online about how SUPER CRAZY NUTS bed bugs can make you, but there is nothing that tells you how to de-stress and calm down now that this is a reality of your life. Anyone with a bed bug success story logs off the weird crazy-person forums and is like “Goodnight to this issue, I will never speak of this again, who wants to wash the sheets one more time before a triumphant nap?!”, so the only stories you read are about people on their third move (THIRD) still dealing with “bbs,” as they are called on the crazy-person forums. 

I have cut myself off from the forums, washed and dried all my clothes, turned my bed into an “island” (not as relaxing as it sounds) and keep my purse in the freezer when I get home. I am slowly dealing. The confusingly handsome exterminator has come and gone and will be back again to kill any eggs (ew) that survived the treatment (EW) and hatched in my bed (!!!!!) in the past week or two. It’s gonna be fiiiiine. Bed bugs do not have to be a life-ruiner. I am the personification of zen. 

JUST KIDDING, last night my boyfriend breathed on my neck in what I suppose was a sexy way but I thought it was a bug and immediately started crying! I am a stress case! BACK ON THE FORUMS EVERYONE! See you at bedbugger.commmmmm!

5 Comments

  1. kay
    August 19, 2013

    bedbugregistry.com

  2. Jo Gale
    August 19, 2013

    Also been through this. The worst…

  3. monicaheisey
    August 19, 2013

    feel like i should add that this is an older piece about an apartment i was housesitting for, and not to do with the apartment i just invited everyone to come buy shit from? that place is fine. just FYI.

  4. Shelley
    August 23, 2013

    Hahahhahah! I went through the same thing at the beginning of the month and had the same exterminator. I had a crush on Avery too, in a handsome Patrick Watson (beautiful musician from Montreal) way! My housemates and I have calmed down a little since his visit but we are ever aware they could be waiting somewhere for us to relax before they will launch a secondary attack. It’s the worst, I know! Boo Toronto bedbugs.

  5. Davis Smith
    December 31, 2013

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