My leather goods are currently in a bag in the freezer. Two bags, in fact. You can’t be too careful.
Baby got bed bugs. They’re THE WORST. I’ve spent the last week or two in a haze of laundry and rubbing alcohol and frantic calls to Avery, my confusingly handsome exterminator who is probably very bored of fielding calls that go something like “I FOUND SOMETHING. EVEN THOUGH YOU SPRAYED. I CAN’T BELIEVE TH– wait, it’s a seed. It’s a seed, Avery. Don’t worry. Just a seed. Okay, goodnight. Miss you.”
Since waking up over ten days ago with my hands covered in itchy, gross welts, I have been a woman gone mad. I am Lord Rochester’s secret attic wife, always banging about upstairs at weird hours, babbling to myself, switching all the lights on and overturning furniture. I am Dexter, shuffling tightly knotted garbage bags to my car with shifty eyes, hoping the neighbours don’t notice, scanning my sheets for blood. But mostly I am that whiny friend who won’t stop talking about bed bugs and it is getting old.
There is a wealth of information online about how SUPER CRAZY NUTS bed bugs can make you, but there is nothing that tells you how to de-stress and calm down now that this is a reality of your life. Anyone with a bed bug success story logs off the weird crazy-person forums and is like “Goodnight to this issue, I will never speak of this again, who wants to wash the sheets one more time before a triumphant nap?!”, so the only stories you read are about people on their third move (THIRD) still dealing with “bbs,” as they are called on the crazy-person forums.
I have cut myself off from the forums, washed and dried all my clothes, turned my bed into an “island” (not as relaxing as it sounds) and keep my purse in the freezer when I get home. I am slowly dealing. The confusingly handsome exterminator has come and gone and will be back again to kill any eggs (ew) that survived the treatment (EW) and hatched in my bed (!!!!!) in the past week or two. It’s gonna be fiiiiine. Bed bugs do not have to be a life-ruiner. I am the personification of zen.
JUST KIDDING, last night my boyfriend breathed on my neck in what I suppose was a sexy way but I thought it was a bug and immediately started crying! I am a stress case! BACK ON THE FORUMS EVERYONE! See you at bedbugger.commmmmm!